Worst. Seasons. Ever.
A few weeks ago, the Herald put together a reader survey that asks “Who’s the Greatest Patriots Player of All Time?” complete with a two-page pullout March Madness-like bracket of 64. While I’m loathe to criticize the Herald, a paper I truly enjoy (and not just because they mention Barstool all the time and there’s a million-to-one chance they might give me a job someday), but this has to be the stupidest sports debate of all time. No kidding how do you even pose this question? It’s like asking “What was Dexy’s Midnight Runner’s best song?” or “Among famous women named ‘Johanssen’, which one has the greatest rack?” No matter how long the list, there’s only one possible choice. A truly great sports debate is one that would start an argument in a bar, and the only argument the “Greatest Patriot” poll would start is “Who gets to beat the piss out of the nimrod who asked the question in the first place?”
Remarkably, the Globe is currently running a much better Patriots-related reader poll, proving once again the old axiom that even a blind squirrel can find a nut. They’re asking “Who had the best individual season by a Boston athlete ever?” And I have to hand it to the sweater vest-wearing bastards... that’s a hell of a question. For certain Tom Brady’s 2007 season belongs in the discussion. And Ted Williams .406 season in 1941 jumps quickly to mind. Ditto Yaz’s 1967 season where he not only won the Triple Crown, but according to legend the pennant race was a month-long movie montage of walk off homers, diving catches and nailed baserunners like when Roy Hobbs started going back out with Glenn Close. Larry Bird had three MVP seasons and Bill Russell won five, including one where he averaged 23 rebounds per game. Bobby Orr led the NHL in scoring as a defenseman, and Phil Esposito had the pre-Gretzky scoring record. Pedro’s ‘99 season was maybe the best ever by a pitcher. So like I said, there’s a lot to think about here. (Of course the Globe just can’t resist being the Globe, so they put Cy Young and Smokey Joe Wood on the list, who are expected to split the vote among the 127 year old internet-savvy readers.)
Plus it’s a great question because everyone, even the most casual fan, can have an opinion. You didn’t have to sporting a straw hat and trolling for zaftig hookers in Scollay Square in ‘41 to know Williams had a season for the ages. In the same way that 66 years from now everyone will remember how Brady threw 50 TD passes back in ‘07 before he retired to a life of stud, siring kids for lonely, aging, hot celebrities. Because in a world of mediocrity it’s the truly great performances that live on.
But not always. Not for me. Personally an individual performance doesn’t have to be great for me to find a place in my heart for it. For some reason I have a bizarre fixation on the really horrible seasons as well. I’ve got a fascination for total, abysmal disaster. As much as I like the Globe’s list, I’d rather list the worst of the worst. The guys in my lifetime who floated the big, German dirigible of ineptitude too close to the high tension wires of failure until it exploded in a fireball of calamity.
10. 1992 Eugene Chung- The Patriots took Chung in the first round of arguably the worst draft in NFL history. His time in the lineup marked the end of the John Hannah Era and ushered in the Era of the QBs with Fractured Ribs as he blocked with all the effectiveness of a parking lot speed bump. His claim to fame was wearing No. 69, which was appropriate because he not only got licked, he sucked at the same time.
9. 2002 Tony Clark- Clark had the perfect Fenway swing and was guaranteed to hit 30 HRs, which he did. Three years later with Arizona. With the Red Sox, he produced the unlikely total of 3 HRs, which he should’ve had if he came to the plate swinging a car antenna. But he was bright, pleasant and articulate, so he got a free pass from the Boston press, despite the fact he produced as many RBIs (29) as whipping boy Manny does in a typical July.
8. 1978-79 John Y. Brown- OK, Brown was just the owner. But he stands in here for the conga line of disasters he brought to the Celtics over Red Auerbach’s objection. Sidney Wicks and Curtis Rowe were underachieving malcontents. Marvin Barnes, who not only once held up a Rhode Island liquor store wearing a Providence College basketball jacket that said “Marvin No. 21" on the sleeve, but allegedly snorted cocaine from the Celtics bench during games. The kicker came when Brown’s wife, CBS football cupcake Phyllis George, told an interviewer her favorite player was notorious ball hog Bob McAdoo, and 24 hours later, Brown traded for the guy without as much as leaving a “While You Were Out” on Red’s desk.
7. 2001 Terry Glenn- While his “teammates” were on their improbable run to the championship, Glenn spent the year pouting and faking injuries. He was the Lance Armstrong of the sideline stationary bike. The fakeness of his injuries was proven in Week 5 vs. San Diego when he was forced into the lineup and had 110 yards in the first half, only to go back to the Tour de Sidelines by halftime. He was the Anti-Troy Brown, finishing the year with 14% of Browns receptions, 20% of his yardage, and 0% of his heart.
6. 1995-96 Kevin Stevens - You’ve got to have a token Bruin on the list, and Stevens is as good a choice as any. They gave up three solid players to get Stevens, only the third guy to outscore Wayne Gretzky in a season. For that he produced 10 goals in 41 games. A couple of years later with the Rangers, he was caught in a hotel room with a hooker and bag of crack, proving he was at least capable of scoring something.
5. 1988 Reggie Dupard- Reggie got stuck with the nickname “Two Yard Dupard” which was unfair since he actually had a robust 2.9 YPC. Of course, he was six feet tall, so he could’ve had 2 yards just by making it to the line of scrimmage then falling over on his face.
4. 2005 Duane Starks-stark, adj. harsh, grim, or desolate... which accurately describes the area of the secondary Starks was supposed to be covering. The Anti-Troy Brown Part II as he finished his Pats career with 0 INTs, where Troy had 3 the season before.
3. 1989-90 Michael Smith- A couple of years after the Len Bias tragedy, the Celts drafted Smith. If the goal was to bring in a good Mormon boy who wouldn’t die of a cocaine overdose, mission accomplished. If it was to bring in a basketball player... not so much. The 6'10" Smith finished with 5.0 PPG and 1.5 RPG, which is what you would’ve gotten if you put his uniform into the t-shirt cannon, launched it into the stands, then suited up whomever caught it.
2. 1992 Matt Young- Never confused with Cy, except for what the Sox paid him to put 150 baserunners on in 88 innings. Whether it was finding the strike zone or making the throw to first, the ball came out of Young’s hand like he was playing beer pong in a tornado. His place in baseball history was secured when he lost a game in which he gave up no hits and MLB changed the definition of “no-hitter”; known forever as the “Matt Young Rule.”
1. 2007 Eric Gagne- Did more to slow down the Red Sox inevitable run to the championship than the Angels, Indians and Rockies combined. To all the anti-performance enhancers out there, this is what a steroid-free future looks like.