World Cup 101

As a self-proclaimed “Ugly American”, I am surprisingly entertained by the World Cup.  This year I found it to be a little less enjoyable because our boys looked like the Kansas City Royals of international soccer, but I was still able to watch the championship game with interest and am honestly a little sad that it’s over.  Watching the Italian team celebrate their ability to kick penalty shots more effectively than France reminded me of the fact that I won’t be watching soccer again for four years, and because I have a feeling I’m not the only one who does not enjoy watching soccer outside of the World Cup, I think its important to review some of the valuable lessons we learned this year or we might be forced to learn them again.

Lesson 1:  David Beckham isn’t very good.

I don’t think this is a shock to anyone who knows soccer, but since I don’t know much about the international game, I at least expected him to be above average.  While I think we all grew tired of hearing American broadcasters mention how Beckham can “bend it” every time he touched the ball, the actual lesson that his terrible play enabled us to learn is that most Americans don’t know what good soccer is, so the analysis of different players or teams is not to be trusted prior to the event.  American analysts like Judy Foudy continuously allowed us to believe the American team was good, France was too old, and Brazil was unstoppable.  Next time, we all must remember to only listen to broadcasters with foreign accents when trying to figure out what teams and players we should bet on.

Lesson 2:  Zidane is a complete moron.

I can’t tell you how pissed off I am about this guy, it’s just hard to put it into words.  I watched the championship game wholeheartedly rooting for Italy, but I enjoyed watching Zidane throughout the tournament, and I really felt that his story was almost too good to be true.  It was just inspiring to see the aging star come out of retirement to not only help his team qualify for the World Cup, but then lead them to the championship game?  Not even Hollywood could script a story like this (of course, Hollywood execs are probably too busy making blockbusters like “Snakes on Planes” to focus on a sports movie at this point anyway).  Then it all came crashing down as the French captain head butted an Italian guy directly in the chest and got himself red-carded in overtime.  While I was impressed by the fact that his bald dome destroyed the guy with one blow, I just can’t believe a veteran player with his experience would lose their cool at such a pivotal moment. I can’t even think of a similar event in any other sport, and it probably cost his team the championship.  I truly feel bad for the fans of the French team (well, not that bad, but I’m trying to be dramatic), but I think the lesson we can learn from his lack of emotional control is that no matter what happens leading into the next World Cup, root against France.  I would hope most of you were planning on doing that anyways, but I hope that Zidane’s lack of respect for his fans and countrymen will sway the rest of you to join our side and take a shower next time around.

Lesson 3:  The guys flop around on the ground.

Okay, this is the one thing that really seems to piss off Americans, and it’s about time we all got over it.  Soccer is a lot like basketball, and if a player can draw a penalty by falling down and grabbing his foot, he’s going to do it.  Lets all remember that Dwayne Wade falls to the ground every time he goes to the hoop, and he’s not doing it to generate sympathy from the fans.  While soccer players tend to be a little more dramatic than America’s favorite NBA superstar, it’s pretty much the same thing.  The lesson we need to learn for the next World Cup is that complaining about players taking dives and faking injuries is even more annoying than watching it happen, so remember to avoid getting drawn into these conversations at all costs next time around.

Lesson 4:  Penalty kicks aren’t that bad.

The second thing that your average “soccer-hater” will bring up about the World’s favorite sport is that penalty kicks are a crappy way to break a tie.  I can remember sports analysts saying this when I was a kid, and for some reason, they still just won’t let it go.  The fact is, some of these games would go on for days if there wasn’t an effective way to break a tie, and while it’s not the fairest way to do it, it gets the job done.  I will agree that I don’t think penalty kicks identify which team is better at the sport of Soccer, but I’ve never heard anyone throw out any alternatives, and therefore instead of trying to think of one myself, I will assume that someone else has already put a lot of thought into the topic and has discovered that there is absolutely no other way to do it.  Therefore, the lesson we’ve learned for the next World Cup is that when someone starts to complain about penalty kicks, it just easier to change the subject than to argue with them again.  Try complimenting them on their devotion to justice and equality in the world, and then ask them when they plan to put their ideals into action by joining the Peace Corps or some other pinko organization.  This should end the conversation in a timely manner and allow you to go back to enjoying the soccer game.

The great event known as the World Cup undoubtedly provided people with many more learning experiences than these four, simple lessons, but I’m not an expert on the sport, and I’m not writing a book.  I just believe that if we can all remember these four things over the next four years, the next World Cup will be sixteen times more enjoyable (a math lesson…zing).