March 25, 2009

The Women of the World Championships

by Jerry Thornton ()

We're deep into March, which can only mean one thing. It means we're in the throes of the biggest, most exciting, most anticipated, most talked about championship tournament in all of sports. All next weekend everyone you know will be riveted to the tourney and it's all your office will be talking about Monday morning. Of course I'm talking about the World Figure Skating Championships, which are being held in Los Angeles all this week. And since Barstool Sports has staked its claim as THE online resource for all things figure skating, there's no better place to offer a comprehensive preview of the event. If by "comprehensive" you mean "salaciously grading the hottest women of the competition like a pervert." Because say what you will about figure skating, but it has hands down the best looking female athletes of any sport. Girls who would be pin up calendar fodder if they played tennis or golf typically aren't fit to sharpen skate blades for the goddesses of the ISU.

Since legendary two-time Olympic champion and Playboy model Katarina Witt is the standard by which all toe-pick smokeshows will forever be judged, here are this year's entrants and how they grade out on the Witt Scale:

Tanith Belbin

Event: Ice Dance (with Ben Agosto)
Country: USA
Celebrity Look-alike: "Pretty Woman" era Julia Roberts
Witt Scale: 9 Katarinas

Kiira Korpi

Event: Ladies Singles
Country: Finland
Celebrity Look-alike: Young Charlize Theron
Witt Scale: 9 Katarinas

Irina Movchan

Event: Ladies Singles
Country: Ukraine
Celebrity Look-alike: The cover girl of "Barely Legal" DVD
Witt Scale: 8 Katarinas

Tessa Virtue

Event: Ice Dance (with Scott Moir)
Country: Canada
Celebrity Look-alike: Christa Miller
Witt Scale: 7 Katarinas

Yu Na Kim

Event: Ladies Singles
Country: South Korea
Celebrity Look-alike: Michelle Branch
Witt Scale: 7 Katarinas

Joannie Rochette

Event: Ladies Singles
Country: Canada
Celebrity Look-alike: Natalie Gulbis
Witt Scale: 7 Katarinas

Alissa Czisny

Event: Ladies Singles
Country: USA
Celebrity Look-alike: Lacey Chabert
Witt Scale: 7 Katarinas

Miki Ando

Event: Ladies Singles
Country: Japan
Celebrity Look-alike: Gogo Yubari
Witt Scale: 7 Katarinas

Laura Lepisto

Event: Ladies Singles
Country: Finland
Celebrity Look-alike: Jenna Fischer
Witt Scale: 6.5 Katarinas

Jessica Dube

Event: Pairs (with Bryce Davison)
Country: Canada
Celebrity Look-alike: Young Katie Holmes with a very, very serious asterisk attached
Witt Scale: 6 Katatrinas*

Keauna McLaughlin