Why Stop at Two General Managers?

Boston, MA--

The Red Sox are pleased to announced that Jamie Chisholm, formerly of Barstool Sports and his couch, has been named as the team's new general manager, joining fellow GM's Jed Hoyer and Ben Cherington in a revolutionary three-GM front office, the first of its kind in baseball.

"Jed and Ben made a solid duo," Sox tsar Larry Lucchino said, "But why stop at two general managers?"

"We are determined to be a championship contender and the best way to achieve that is to create an organizational hierarchy only slightly more complicated than the new Iraqi government. Having just one general manager is the way things used to be done, it's the way they do things over in the Bronx," Lucchino said, "We may not be able to match the Yankees' on-the-field spending but we sure can trump their general manager spending."

Chisholm, for his part, explained that he wasn't surprised that Lucchino contacted him over the weekend.

"I was just sitting on my couch, watching the Pats and eating some Wendy's when I got the call from Larry," Chisholm said, "I figured it was just a matter of time until the Sox got in touch with me since every other person with a shred of baseball experience had turned down the chance to be the Sox's GM. Once Obidee McDowell brushed off Larry, I knew that a phone call from Yawkey Way would be coming."

Lucchino explained that Chisholm's baseball experience consisted of several years of playing in the West Medford-Hillside Little League system as well as two years of high school varsity baseball.

"With Jamie we are getting more than just someone who wore the fabled blue uniform of Gaffey's Funeral Home for a two year stretch between 1985 and 1987. He also has a firm understanding of the rules having umpired Little League games for several seasons," Lucchino said, "He has experience in player acquisitions having been a solid fantasy baseball performer for several years and also is comfortable with our players having gone to high school with Mark Loretta's brother. He's the total package."

Chisholm was confused about some people's roles within the organization but felt confident that he would have a hand in player personnel decisions.

"What do I do," Chisholm said, "I have absolutely no idea. As far as I can tell, there are over 20-people with a say in what happens over here. Charles Steinberg showed me an orientation slide show but it made me even more confused- it was like that episode of Lost. As far as I can tell, Jed, Ben and I make certain decisions about players. But Bill Lajoie and Craig Shipley also have some power in terms of player acquisitions. And I think Jeremy Kapstein does something with players too- that's what Dan Shaughnessy explained to me. Steinberg also has a hand in some stuff- I think he scouts the most marketable players for the Sox. Tom Werner is still around here somewhere- is he the head of West Coast scouting? I really have no idea."

"And then there is Theo," Chisholm said, "Most of the Theo stuff is highly classified and as just a general manager, I don't have the clearance necessary to know everything. But from what I've gleaned from conversations with low level stadium employees and the destitute children currently basking in the glow of Theo's halo, Theo is like the KGB in the old Soviet Union. He has tremendous power but it's all in the shadows and he only answers to the absolute ruler, in this case John Henry. Peter Gammons is Theo's mouthpiece- it's all a little too Animal Farm if you ask me."

At the mention of Epstein's name, Lucchino rushed over and attempted to clarify Epstein's role with the team.

"Theo left but when he left, he didn't actually leave. You see, just because you leave, doesn't mean you actually leave. It's actually quite simple really," Lucchino said, "When Theo had that major press conference and announced that he was resigning as Red Sox GM, people made the mistake of assuming that just because Theo repeatedly stated that he was not returning to the Red Sox, that Theo actually meant that he wasn't going to return to the Red Sox. That was your fault because people failed to read between the lines."

"When Theo said that he wasn't returning as the Red Sox GM what he was really saying was 'I will probably return in some sort of quasi-official as of yet specified role with the team at a later, undetermined date, which only myself [Theo], John Henry, Peter Gammons and Eddie Vedder know, but only after an embarrassing search for my replacement.' Unfortunately, people weren't paying attention and missed some of Theo's subtle references- he's very nuanced. He went to Yale, you know, same as me. I did better there though."

Chisholm remained uncertain about his new responsibilities as one of the tri-GM's.

"I guess Jed handles the minor league scouting and Ben handles the major league scouting so Larry has said that all I need to do is take care of a few loose ends from the winter meetings. I need to find a new shortstop, I need to find a new first baseman, I need to try and re-sign Johnny Damon and if I don't I need to find a new center fielder, I need to see if I can trade Manny Ramirez and if I do I just need to replace his 40-homeruns and 150-RBI's, I need to find a new backup catcher, I need to figure out who our closer is, I need to figure out what our starting rotation will be, I need to figure out if Curt Schilling's ankle and Josh Beckett's shoulder are ok. I think that's all. But as long as I have Larry to back me up and support me, I think that I can handle what I need to do."

Lucchino closed the press conference with speculation that more front office moves could be imminent.

"At the moment, the Red Sox are very satisfied with our GM triumvirate," Lucchino said, "But we still have a lot of work to do and Jed, Ben and Jamie may need help. Am I opposed to perhaps changing the Red Sox decision-making process to a Model United Nations-inspired set-up where our roles change with every decision? No, I think it would be interesting and really informative. One week, I'm the GM, the next week, I'm the head of international scouting, and then I'm the clubhouse attendant. It's never been done in the majors and we envision this Red Sox franchise as one of the trendsetters in modern sports so we would be open to any new ways of doing business."

Lucchino mentioned that there were several other ideas floating around about how best to make front office decisions.

"Other possibilities include an American Idol-type set-up with John Henry playing the role of Simon Cowell, Sam Horn standing in for Randy Jackson and that cute ballgirl doing the whole Paula Abdul thing. If you have an idea for a trade, you have to audition in front of the judges. If the judges like your performance, you get to make the trade. Someone also suggested that we have a beer pong tournament before the draft. Winning team gets to make all the first round picks; second place team gets the second round and so on. Here on Yawkey Way, we're all about innovation."

Jamie Chisholm