What's Hot for 2008: Statutory Rape, Illegal Immigrants & More
1. Statutory Rape
Jamie Lynn Spears is bringing statutory rape back and I couldn't be happier. The early part of the first decade of the 21st Century was the Look But Don't Touch era. America's puritanical past and modern society's slavish devotion to so-called "simple, human decency" meant that for millions of 18+ men, it was considered boorish and even illegal to follow one's dreams and drill a hot teenager. It was a sad, dark time in our nation's history, a time that thanks to Jamie Lynn Spears' singular heroism is finally over.
Statutory Rape for everyone!
2. Adrian Peterson Fantasy Football Jokes
"I want Adrian Peterson."
"No problem. You get Adrian N. Peterson. Next pick, let's get moving."
"Is that the good Adrian Peterson?"
"Dude, it's your team. I'm not doing your draft for you."
"Just give me the good Adrian Peterson, not the one who sucks."
"OK, so you get Adrian N. Peterson with the first pick, Joe, you're up."
3. Music
Music will be big in 2008. People will listen to lots of it.
4. Illegal Immigrants
Kids today love anything that their parents hate and boy do parents hate illegal immigrants! 2008 is an election year and the #1 issue is the fact that there are some illegal immigrants in America and they're working shitty jobs for shitty money and lead shitty lives. Parents across America have spoken loud and clear- those shitty jobs for shitty money that lead to shitty lives are for American citizens, not a bunch of foreigners bent on dominating our nation's shitty job sector.
So how will their kids respond? By embracing illegal immigrants. The hot new fashion accessory in 08 will be an illegal immigrant. Kids will collect illegal immigrants like Pokemon cards and trade them among their friends.
The look on mom's face when she realizes that Little Susie is running a sweatshop out of her treehouse- priceless!
5. Johan Santana Red Sox jersey
Because it's going to happen. It just is. If the world should realize anything by now it's that God favors Massachusetts' professional sports teams.
Johan Santana will be in the Red Sox's rotation for the 2008 season. It just makes too much sense not to happen. Santana is a superstar and he's an athlete in Minnesota. As every American school child knows, Massachusetts has the Constitutional right to swipe any Minnesota-based athlete in exchange for spare parts and a quart of clam chowder.
It will be Johan Santana in 2008. Adrian Peterson, the good Adrian Peterson, a few years later. And once Jason Varitek decides to retire, count on Twins catcher Joe Mauer to step in as the Sox's new catcher.
6. Nudity on television
I have a gut feeling 2008 is the year that nudity finally breaks through on regular television. Maybe not a network but I think you'll see FX or Comedy Central just drop the charade and start showing full frontal tit.
If When the Democrats win the White House, they'll install a bunch of loony-tunes uber-liberals to the FCC and as long as the first pair of breasts belong to a pot-smoking, abortion-craving, flag-burning Latina Wiccan priestess, then we're golden.
7. Tom Brady the father
Enough of this "Tom Brady is a bad dad" lunacy. Tom Brady is a wonderful father. Did your "World's #1 Dad" win the Super Bowl this season? Of course not. You're Dad is a worthless drunk who's made your life living hell and is steadily driving you down a similar alcohol-fueled suicide spiral.
Tom Brady is what a father should be- multiple Super Bowl winner, NFL MVP, bangs supermodels, good golfer. If your father doesn't stack up, guess what? You have a sucky Dad.
8. Abortion
If statutory rape is back on the table- and I was way ahead of this fad, I drilled my babysitter three years ago- then you have to think that abortions will bounce back in a big way. Hey, statutory rape is the bee's knees. Any normal man will eventually succumb to the sultriness of a high school girl in sweatpants, lip gloss and heat. It's the way life works.
But while statutory rape is hot for 08, responsibility is definitely not. Guys want to bang teenagers, not stand next to their dads in the delivery room. Watch for the Abortion industry in America to market themselves more aggressively to this growing consumer reality- abortion ring tones, abortion temporary tattoos and abortion energy drinks will all make an appearance next year.
9. Bill Belichick
Vengeance will spawn vindication and NFL teams will suddenly wake up and realize "Hey, you know who kinda has his shit together- Belichick up in New England. Maybe, and this is a crazy fucking thought, but what if we conducted ourselves a little more like that guy. You know, treat this as what it is- a business. Maybe hold players accountable. Maybe not air team grievances through the media. Maybe build a team with players that show up to practice and don't get shot. What do you say, fellas? Want to roll the dice?"
10. Masturbation
Monster year for masturbation in 2008. Look for masturbation to gain greater social acceptance and perhaps even spark a semi-professional sports league for America's most talented semi-professional masturbators.