What Must Be Done About The Immigrants

There is a serious immigrant problem in Boston today and the time has come to do something about it. We are forced to compete for jobs with them, forced to deal with their inability to grasp our language and traditions, forced to watch as what was once solely the domain of native-born Bostonians is overrun by immigrants from around the globe who are welcomed by the powers-that-be with open arms. Our families made tremendous sacrifices. For generations, our families struggled to keep their heads above water and give us a better life. And when our grandparents and parents finally achieved some prosperity, finally tasted something other than bitterness, it wasn't long before our towns and cities were besieged by hordes of foreigners all claiming that they had the same rights as we, the native-born, did.

I am speaking, of course, of the immigrants who have overrun Red Sox Nation in the past few years. Before we were invaded, Red Sox Nation was simply a nation; there was no need for the upper case "N." No identity cards were necessary. We did not need the Red Sox to produce propaganda videos to convince us as to where our allegiance lay. We didn't need comedy-challenged actors from New York and hippy vegans from California pretending to be us on the big screen.

November, December, January, February and March- the immigrants of Red Sox Nation are nowhere to be found. Bring up Kevin Youkilis in your office in December and you'll likely be met with confused looks from your coworkers. Try to talk up the possibility of Craig Hansen bolstering the Sox's bullpen after the All-Star break over hot chocolates at the ski lodge and you'll be arguing with yourself. But once Opening Day rolls around, it's as if the Nation's version of the Berlin Wall falls and our quaint, little nation is once again invaded by millions of people who couldn't pick Al Nipper out of a police lineup but feel the right to lecture us on why Manny Ramirez needs to be traded immediately.

More often than not, it's these immigrants who give Red Sox Nation the national image that most of us loathe. It's they that convince people around the country that you and I are a bunch of crazed lunatics, huddled in our mothers' basements, building shrines to Schilling's ankle and writing death threats to every ex-Red Sox from Johnny Damon to Mike Lansing to Babe Ruth's great, great granddaughter. It's they who call up WEEI after Coco Crisp's first inning strikeout in the first game of the year begging Theo Epstein to trade Crisp, Youkilis and Mike Lowell for Jim Edmonds, Albert Pujols and Scott Rolen.

I am growing increasingly tired of these people. I believe that they should clearly exhibit that they fully understand its traditions and embrace its ideals if they want citizenship in the Nation. I believe in giving people a chance to earn their citizenship in the Nation; this is no amnesty. To that end, I have put together the first official Red Sox Nation Citizenship Test. This is in no way affiliated with the Red Sox Nation Membership Card available for $9.95 on the Red Sox's website. Don't be fooled- the Red Sox management has very little to do with Red Sox Nation and if you take your eyes off them for a second, you'll end up in a ditch with a pink Red Sox hat, your Red Sox Nation membership card, one kidney and a signed photo of Wally.

Name: ____________________________      

1. You became a Red Sox fan when: (A) you noticed how adorable Johnny Damon was (B) you moved to Boston and realized that here people cared about sports (C) you were born (D) you were at a Lids store in Des Moines and really liked the pink Red Sox hat you saw
2. Your favorite Red Sox player from the 2004 World Championship Team is: (A) Kevin Millar (B) Dave Roberts (C) Johnny Pesky (D) Javier Vazquez
3. The greatest player in Red Sox history is: (A) Pedro Martinez (B) Ted Williams (C) Rich Gedman (D) Curt Schilling
4. The numbers 1, 4, 8, 9 and 27 are: (A) the numbers retired directly by the Red Sox (B) the longitude and latitude of the island on Lost (C) added together the numbers equal the total number of Red Sox fans who can afford two tickets to Fenway (D) added together the numbers equal how old El Duque really is
5. Fenway Park is the major's most beloved park and should be: (A) completely gutted and refurbished so that I can sit without feeling like my testicles are in a vise (B) completely gutted and refurbished so that I can sit without feeling like my testicles are in a vise (C) completely gutted and refurbished so that I can sit without feeling like my testicles are in a vise (D) completely gutted and refurbished so that I can sit without feeling like my testicles are in a vise
6. Kevin Millar is to douchebag as Alex Rodriguez is to __________. (A) douchebag (B) wicked big douchebag (C) the Crown Prince of Douchebags (D) the Queen of Douchebagery
7. Carl Everett believes in: (A) the moon (B) the Easter Bunny (C) dinosaurs (D) living his life according to his personal creedo Strike First. Strike Hard. No Mercy.
8. Theo Epstein once wore a gorilla costume because: (A) Peter Gammons was ignoring the restraining order again (B) the media was camped outside Fenway waiting for him (C) that’s what Vedder wore when he wrote "Black" (D) that's what Roger Clemens asked him to do
9. You watched Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS: (A) at your father's house (B) during commercial breaks for Gilmore Girls (C) definitely started at a bar but after Damon's homerun everything gets a little hazy until about two weeks later when you woke up next to Nelson de la Rosa (D) was a Yankees' fan at the time
10. Since the Red Sox have won a more recent World Series than the Yankees, Yankees Suck chants are only appropriate when: (A) anyone associated with the city of New York, including Woody Allen, Spike Lee, Michael Bloomberg, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Sarah Jessica Parker and Moby, crosses your path (B) the Yankees have been officially eliminated from World Series contention and the Red Sox are still alive (C) anytime a film, television show or musical act references New York in anyway (D) never- children will grow up to be serial killers if they hear the word "suck"

Essay Question: Explain in 1000 words why being a bullpen catcher is the best job in the world.