We're Huge In Iran

We're making a name for ourselves in Kuy-e Bimeh-ye Bazergnan. We're big in Esfahan. And we're absolutely blowing up in Tehran. Barstool Sports has conquered Iran. And we didn't need to call up the National Guard to do it.

During the month of August, people from 146 countries visited www.barstoolsports.com. Every day, we're bombarded by hysterical news reports and the blathering of talking heads about how much the rest of the world hates America. We're decadent. We're imperialists. We're blood-thirsty. We're chubby.

And, of course, there are crazy lunatics out there who do hate America. And even crazier lunatics who hate Barstool Sports.

But then I learn that there's some guy in Rawalpindi, Pakistan who visited Barstool last month. And there's a bunch of dudes in Damascus, Syria who apparently can't get enough of my pithy writing on the blog. And there's a guy in the Palestinian Territory who is pissed he couldn't make it the White Party. A couple of guys in Sana, Yemen love our cover models. Saudi Arabia, Oman, Jordan, UAE, Qatar, Afghanistan, Egypt, Libya, and Kuwait- all home to Barstool Sports' devotees. There is a road map to peace in the Middle East and it can found in the pages of Barstool Sports.

But it's not just the Middle East that loves Barstool Sports. We're beloved behind the former Iron Curtain. We're bigger in Budapest than we are in Boise. We're what's bringing people from Macedonia, Yugoslavia, Croatia and Bosnia and Herzegovina together. And how many other free Boston biweeklies can claim a reader from Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan?

Our content crosses all cultural boundaries. Thomas Friedman wants more proof that the world is flat- check us out. The G8 loves us. But India, Brazil and China are all about us too. Africa, Asia, South and Central America. Check. Check. Check. Check. And it's not just the big boys who can't get enough of Barstool. We have readers from Mongolia, Rwanda, Nepal, Greenland, Myanmar, Cambodia, Sudan, the Faroe Islands, Martinique and Moldova.

So, if the world hates America but loves Barstool Sports, then there really is only one solution- Barstool Sports should formulate America's foreign policy.

I'm not sure when we'll get the official word from the White House about our new status- I'm getting Cheney's office- but there's no reason to waste any time. America's image abroad needs some work and there is no one more up to the task than Barstool Sports. We know what the world loves and we're ready to repackage America, Barstool style.

1. The world loves sports. Under Barstool's direction, America will have one simple policy about sports: We'll play you anywhere, anytime, any sport. Barstool is nationalizing major league baseball, the NBA, NFL, NHL, WWE, NASCAR, college football and hoops and everyone else who can run, jump, fight or wrestle. They're working for America now. On Day One of Barstool's watch, America has a national team in everything. We're sending Vince Young, Terrell Owens and Carl Crawford to Bangladesh to play kabaddi. We're giving Richard Seymour, Brian Urlacher and Shaq some paddles because they're going to be dragon boat racing in Hong Kong. Andy Roddick and Serena Williams- world's best mixed doubles badminton team. The American Olympic men's ice hockey team will be heading to Pakistan to play some field hockey. Triple H and the Big Show will be wearing the red, white and blue when they wrestle in Mongolia.
2. Cover models make everything look better. From now on, when America has bad news to deliver to the rest of the world- like how we're going to invade Bangladesh because Vince Young was killed in a tragic kadabbi accident- we're going to have a cover model do it. So, we're also going to have to nationalize America's most beautiful women. Angelina Jolie, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, welcome aboard. You're working for us now.
3. Boobs are critical. The world loves boobs. Our critics may throw big words like sexist, misogynist and smut-peddler at us but we can't worry about those haters. We've got world peace to achieve. So we're going to give the world what it wants. And the world wants boobs and, by God, America has plenty of great boobs. Barstool plans to harness all of America's breast power, the world's most plentiful natural resource, and export it to the world. We sent grain to the Soviet Union and fed the communists. Now, we're going to send boobs to the Islamists and have them drooling all over themselves for a fondle of American freedom.
4. The world hates waiting. Barstool doesn't wait around until all the facts of a story to be known to react. That's old world journalism. That's how it was done back when people still read the newspaper. But not anymore. The world likes Barstool's style. Around here, our philosophy is "never let the facts get in the way of a good story." Who wants to wait until a trade actually happens to analyze it? Who wants to wait until all the facts are known about an injury before speculating on it? Who wants to wait until someone is actually proven guilty? No one does. Waiting is boring and under Barstool's watch, America won't wait around for all the facts before making outrageous claims. In our White House, the quickest guy to the microphone gets to give America's official response, just like Barstool's blog.
5. Freedom abroad and at home. You can check out www.barstoolsports.com in Saudi Arabia but you can't if you work at State Street Corp. That's just crazy. There is no reason that people in China, Syria, Libya, Iran and Cuba can go to our website but some guy working at State Street can't. From now on, www.barstoolsports.com is America's official website and it's a treasonous offense to deny your workers access to it. If Qadhafi is cool with Barstool Sports, why isn't State Street? America can't expect the world to embrace freedom if we deny freedoms to our own citizens. Two places in the world shut out Barstool Sports- North Korea and State Street. And Barstool's America is putting both of you on notice- we're coming for you.