I Want To Be The New Dr. Charles

November 28, 2007

John Henry

Owner

Boston Red Sox

4 Yawkey Way

Boston, MA 02215

Dear Mr. Henry:

For the past six years, Dr. Charles Steinberg, in his capacity as Executive Vice President/Public Affairs, has transformed the team's 81 regular season home games into entertainment spectacles. Every borderline Boston celebrity, every D-list Hollywood nobody, every sob story this side of the Mississippi and every musical performer who can trace a long lost relative to New England has been featured in one of Dr. Charles' saccharine, over-the-top, dear-god-almighty-please-let-the-game-begin pregame ceremonies. But the simple fact is that most Red Sox fans weren't happy with the Steinberg pregame productions and the reason is very simple:

Chuck didn't go far enough.

I will. With my professional experience, flair for the dramatic, dynamic personality and dreamboat physique, I will be able to finally realize your goal when Dr. Charles was first let loose on Red Sox Nation six years ago and end once and for all the antiquated idea that going to a baseball game has something to do with baseball.

If there is one thing that Red Sox fans love, it's elaborate pregame ceremonies. Red Sox fans are loopy for elaborate pregame ceremonies. World Series titles are nice but from Bangor to Boston, from Providence to Pittsfield, any real Sox fan will tell you that they would trade a World Series title for a kickass pregame ceremony featuring Hanson, the cast of Grey's Anatomy, a cute kid with some sort of inoperable cancer, a big flag and Dwight Evans. And that's just what I have planned for the Sox's first spring training stretching session.

While I may not be a dentist like Dr. Charles, I do brush my teeth and have visited a dentist. However, if being the Red Sox's Executive Vice President/Public Affairs does require a degree in the Dentistry Arts, I will, of course, attend some sort of dental school place in the evenings.

I will also convert to Judaism. I am already circumcised. 

I have a simple, five bullet point vision for my term as the new Dr. Charles outlining just how exactly I plan to make Red Sox Nation and Fenway Park just that much more stupendous.

• Growing Red Sox Nation-- It's about time that the Red Sox as a franchise got serious about increasing the team's fanbase. I have a simple, cost effective and more or less legal if you're not a stickler for the United Nations Declaration of Human Rights idea how to grow Red Sox Nation by millions of new fans every year.

The Red Sox would "purchase" the rights to thousands of children from poor child-rich countries. Season ticket holders would be required to pay a fee each season to renew their tickets and educate a destitute child in the ways of Red Sox Nation. Included in the fine print of the season ticket contract would be a line that awards custody of the Red Sox Nation urchins to the season ticket holders. Instead of a media guide in the mailbox, the season ticket holder finds on the doorstep a malnourished, 8-year old Sudanese orphan just dying (maybe literally) to learn about the Sox's epic comeback against the Yankees in 2004. The Red Sox get a new generation of fans and the region gets a new source of inexpensive labor. Win-win.

• Game Day Events-- All home games will now include the following:
• Flyover by Space Shuttle
• Appearance by every living Red Sox player
• Appearance by remains of Babe Ruth, Tris Speaker, Ted Williams, Joe Cronin, Tony C., Oil Can Boyd and Cy Young. Remains to be carried by Jimmy Fund kids.
• Live musical performance by Dropkick Murphys featuring Paul McCartney, Bono, Alicia Keys, Nick Lachey, Celine Dion, New Edition and Toby Keith.
• Eight hour pregame highlight video from last Red Sox game. Narrated by James Earl Jones and directed by Martin Scorsese.
• Ben Affleck and Matt Damon parachuting onto field with lineup cards.
• New England Patriots and Boston Celtics championship trophies presented by every living NFL and NBA Hall of Famer.
• Hazel Mae's boobs on big screen.
• Fenway Park Fan Experience- All ticketholders will be required to enter Fenway Park 12 hours before the scheduled first pitch. Gates close 11 hours before the first pitch. Failure to enter Fenway Park in the specified time period will result in a $500 fine and loss of season tickets and US citizenship. Entering Fenway Park carries an additional fee of $30 for security costs and the right to enter Fenway Park. There will also be an additional $10 "ticket" fee to cover the cost of the team accepting "tickets." Further, because of the environmental impact of paper tickets, each Red Sox fan will be assessed a $20 fee for carbon offsets. However, the cost of Legal Seafood Clam Chowder will remain unchanged.
• Expanding the Red Sox Nation brand-- As a Red Sox fan, I often find myself walking around Boston wondering if anyone else in this town is a Sox fan. Where are the Red Sox hats? Where are the Red Sox shirts? Where are the Red Sox scratch tickets? For a team that claims to have a passionate fan base, the Red Sox are doing little in terms of branding. Within the first 20 minutes of my first day of work, I will finalize the following Red Sox Nation branding opportunities:

• Protecting Larry-- Above all else, I will continue to protect Larry Lucchino and keep Theo Epstein from getting out of line. If Theo steps out of line on my watch, Citizen Dick dies.

In closing, I consider myself the perfect candidate for this position and look forward to finishing the work Dr. Charles started and completely cunting up Red Sox games for a new generation of fans.

Sincerely,

Pete Powers