A Vote For More Negativity

There are many things about Barstool Sports that make me proud to be a part of it.  I think the ‘Stool is perfectly situated in the crossroads of all the things that are near and dear to my heart, and I think the heart of every loyal ‘Stoolie.  Sports, obviously.  Plus pop culture, drinking, Boston living, gambling, and of course cover models so hot, as Lt. Frank Drebin so eloquently put it, they “can melt a cheese sandwich in your pocket from across the room.”

But one of the great things Barstool has going for it is it’s complete and utter lack of politics.  It’s simply not a part of our content.  You’d think it would be easy to keep the politics out of a sports paper, but it’s no mean feat, especially at this time of year.

For some reason, a lot of the same people who are really vocal and opinionated about sports are never that far away from wanting to beat you over the head with their insane political rantings.  Just listen to WEEI in the morning for ten minutes and you’ll know what I mean.  Or check out your typical sports internet message board.  Most now have a separate forum strictly for politics, just so every discussion about the Red Sox bullpen doesn’t degenerate into some douche pontificating on what we need to do about North Korea. 

Barstool has a strict “no politics” policy, and we stick to it.  (Although I did once take all of Pete Manzo’s columns and put them up on my wall like John Nash in “A Beautiful Mind” and found all the subliminal pro-Lyndon LaRouche messages he’s been putting in there.)

I never thought I’d become so apolitical.  I used to like politics.  No more.  Now I live my life like I read the Herald.  I go through the sports until I hit the obituaries. I skip them, jump to the entertainment section, check the Inside Track real quick for pictures of celebrity chicks and then I’m done.

I’ve done this to keep my sanity.  I simply couldn’t stand another day of listening to politicians talking to me like I’m a nitwit; of people on both sides of the aisle trying to pander to me.  That’s not leadership.  I mean, your average NFL head coach is no box of chocolates, but at least they don’t pretend they give a flying crap about me, and I can respect that; I know where I stand.  Tom Coughlin doesn’t go around saying, “I’m all about helping working families.”  You’ll never hear Bill Parcells say “We need to do this…for the children.”  And not even the least sincere NCAA Div 1 coach can say with a straight face “I‘ll make education my top priority.”

With Election Day here, it’s a tough time for us hardcore apolitical types.  Campaign volunteers keep ringing the phone at dinner time.  Debates are wreaking havoc with the TV schedule.  Lawn signs, those semi-annual eyesores, are once again a blight upon the land. 

The only saving grace around election time are the political TV ads.  Specifically, the negative attack ads.  I know the pollsters always say that people hate attack ads.  That they turn off the voters and make them lose interest in politics.  Nonsense.  We love ‘em.  I admit it that I do.  With the possible exception of the “Man Laws” beer commercials, a really good, vicious, inflammatory campaign ad is the most entertaining thing on TV.

There’s a Senate race in Tennessee right now where one candidate is running ads saying that his opponent watched the Patriots-Eagles Super Bowl at a Playboy party.  The guy admitted it’s true, saying “I like football and I like girls” then proceeded to run ads accusing his opponent of living in a 30-room mansion and owning six SUVs.  I admit I’d have a hard time knowing which guy to vote for, since they’re both living the life that was meant for me.

I love all attack ads.  Especially the ones where they break out some old, unflattering black-and-white photo of the opponent with his eyes half shut and his mouth open like it was taken outside Delta House at 4 AM, while the narrator sneers over the ominous background music, “Congressman Cleftchin voted for a gun law because he wants to make it easy for criminals to break into your house and rape your pets,” and then it changes to a patriotic hymn and film of Sen. Hairdo standing in front of Mt. Rushmore while a bald eagle lands on his shoulder and “I‘m Sen. Hairdo, and I really care about you.”

I enjoy ads like that so much, I only wish they weren’t limited to just politicians.  I think anytime two guys want the same thing, or just plain hate each other, they should buy air time to tell the world what a dickweed their opponent is:
*“[Picture of a guy in a gorilla suit] “Theo Epstein took all the credit for winning the World Series.  He thought he was the Golden Child, a miracle worker.  Then he quit the team.  He sulked all winter.  And when he came crawling back, what did he bring the fans?  Third place.  Ten games over .500.  Five straight losses to the Yankees in a pennant race.  Larry Lucchino brought us Josh Beckett, Theo gave us Julian Tavarez.  Which man has what it takes to lead the Red Sox?”  (“My name is Larry Lucchino, and I am responsible for this advertisement.”)

*[Image of Tom Brady on “Saturday Night Live” with his shirt tucked into his underwear] “In the last five years, Tom Brady has gotten a lot of credit for winning three Super Bowls, but was it all because of him?  Brady has had a great defense, the best coach in the world, and kicker who made the pressure kicks.  Isn’t it time we stop saying he’s the best quarterback in the game?” (“Paid for by the Committee to Say That Passing Stats are the Only Way to Evaluate a QB, Peyton Manning, Chairman”)

*[From two years ago, Kobe Bryant sitting with his wife] “My opponent says there’s no room on the Lakers for me and him.  So whom do you want to see lead the team?  Me, who was just found not guilty of rape?  Or Shaq, who never apologized for making ‘Kazaam’?  Vote for Kobe, and I promise you, Shaq will never win another championship.”

*[Photo of Derek Jeter looking sullen in the Yankee dugout]  “For five years you fans have been without a World Series title.  We’ve had the payroll.  We’ve had the talent.  What we haven’t had is the leadership.  I’m Alex Rodriquez. I want to be the next captain of the Yankees, and I approved this ad.”

*[Image of a Barstool cover] “Don’t be fooled by the hot girls and great content; this paper sucks.”  (“Boston Sports Review paid for this advertisement.”)