The 2007 Unsportsman of the Year
Presenting Barstool Sports annual countdown of the year’s biggest jerkoffs, miscreants, douchebags, reprobates, liars, morons, scumbags, weasels, asswipes, recidivists, dickweeds, self-righteous hypocrites, punkasses and duplicitous nitwits:
10. LA Galaxy. The Galaxy play something called “soccer” in a league called “MLS.” And to once and for all bring “soccer” the kind of interest it gets in countries where they eat dogs and treat women like pets, they signed someone named “David Beckham” to a $250 million contract. You might remember the massive wave of interest this caused and how the entire US population dropped all our other pursuits to dedicate our lives to following this fascinating sport. Actually all it did was subject us to the gossip web sites bombarding us with pictures of Posh Spice and her horrible $500 Tijuana boob job. And did Beckham ever play?
9. BJ Wie. What exactly is the connection between athletic prodigies and ridiculous, maniacal, control freak fathers? Not content to let his daughter live a relatively normal teenage life of brilliant amateur golf, studying, and fending off the creepy advances of older guys like me, BJ continued to parade Michelle around on the LPGA tour and at men’s events like a carny freak. And in the process, pulled off the golf dad hat trick by ruining her confidence, her game, and her reputation all at once. The kicker was when Michelle was two bogeys away from carding an 88, which would’ve cost her her tour card, and after a talk on the course with dad, she did the Rodney Dangerfield “Ooh! My arm! It’s broken!” thing and withdrew from the tourney. Then, miraculously, recovered in time to play in the women’s US Open the next week.
8. Roger Clemens. The Rocket continued his Iron Horse streak of feigning retirement, pretending he’s not sure he wants to come back, claiming he’s returning for some reason other than the money, aaaaand... then signing with the highest bidder. This is old hat for Rog, but this year’s return added the hideous spectacle of Suzy Waldman’s grotesque on-air orgasm to the shtick. Then after going 6-6, Clemens finished the season, and probably his career, by doing the Wilhelm Scream after, Surprise!, his name appeared in the Mitchell report. Because, see, he throws in the upper 90s at the age of 45 because of his “legendary workouts”, not because he’s been juicing all along. Of course he could have juiced and made himself lots of money in the process, but Rog would never do that because... it would be wrong.
7. “The Commitments”. Coaching football can be a sleazy business. A lot of big time football coaches tell their children they’re male prostitutes so the kids won’t know the awful truth. But Nick Saban and Bobby Petrino brought a whole new level of duplicitous pondscummery to the industry this year. In the “2007 Hosing Your Owner, Players and Assistants” Derby, these two were in a photo finish. Two years after taking the Dolphins job, and a year spent pinkie swearing he wasn’t jumping ship for Alabama, Saban told Wayne Huizenga he’d stay if the boss really, really wanted him. To which Huizenga said “Soooo, what you’re telling me is if you stay, your heart won’t be in it.” Petrino did the same thing to the Falcons in mid-season, the day after he told Arthur Blank “You have a coach.” And he informed his players about it in a letter he left in their lockers that had all the heartfelt sincerity of a credit card offer: “Out of my respect for you...” It began. You’d hate to think how he would’ve handled it if he didn’t respect them. Saban narrowly gets the edge here for comparing the Tide’s loss to LA-Monroe to Pearl Harbor and 9/11.
6. Gregg Easterbrook. Easterbrook stands in here for all the whiney, self-righteous bitches in the sports press who hate Bill Belichick because he doesn’t grovel before them. So in wake of the SpyGate thing, they acted like Belichick was responsible for Pearl Harbor, 9/11 and the LA-Monroe-‘Bama upset and opted for the military response. “The weasel wording of Belichick's Nixonian statement shows the New England coach full of contempt for the NFL fans, and the NFL enterprise, that made him a wealthy celebrity” is one of the milder verbal Daisy Cutters Easterbrook dropped on the coach. By the time the Pats faced the Colts in Week 9, the press was literally saying the game would pit Good vs. Evil. You might remember the Hellmouth opening after Devilchick’s team pulled off the 24-20 win.
5. Isiah Thomas. The most inexplicably employed man in America. He’s the pluperfect failure; everything he’s done for the Knicks has come out 100% wrong, but he keeps his job like he’s a state worker or the boss’ kid. He lost a sexual harassment lawsuit that cost his company $11.6 million in which he said under oath that he did call the plaintiff “Bitch” but that "a white male calling a black female a bitch is highly offensive. That would have violated my code of conduct." Glad we got straightened that out. Thomas would undoubtedly have gotten fired by now if he wasn’t doing such a bang-up job... No, wait. The team is gawdawful. But he’s still there, running one of the NBA’s premier franchises... into the ground.
4. OJ. George Bush is in the White House, Clinton is running for president, the Cowboys are heading to the Super Bowl... so OJ decides to bring the early ‘90s all the way back by going on trial. No waiters or ex-wives were harmed in this production, but the Juice and a buddy busted into a Vegas hotel room, guns drawn, to steal back crappy memorabilia that was stolen from him. Except the stuff was never his. And even if it was his, that would mean it actually belonged to the Goldman family... it’s complicated. Let’s just say we were all disappointed when the video of the incident didn’t show Simpson saying “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides...”
3. Pacman Jones. The fact that Pacman likes strip joints doesn’t make him a bad guy. The fact that he brought $81,020 in one dollar bills to the club doesn’t either. But when Jones “made it rain” on the strippers, and some of them started scooping up the bills, and Pac got pissed off about it, and shots started firing... OK, then he became a bad guy. What did he think the girls were in it for? Love of the game? They’ve got teenage pregnancy mouths to feed. Pacman kept telling us he was changing his ways, but it seemed like a week didn’t go by without him in another flesh palace with another gun going off. And when he met in New York with the NFL commissioner to talk his way out of a year’s suspension, see if you can guess where he was hanging out the night before. Hint: it wasn’t the MoMA.
2. David Stern. Every other list has NBA ref Tim Donaghy on it for fixing games.. But Donaghy was just a button pusher in this crime family. Stern was the Capo. His reaction to the notion that refs make shady calls late in games that effect the point spread was to drop his jaw, slap his hands on his head and do the Moe Szylak “Whhhaaaa?!” which means he’s either completely full of crap, or he’s the last man in America to realize the NBA isn’t on the level. So he’s either a liar or dumb. It’s a jump ball as to which is worse, and “dumb” has the possession arrow.
1. Oogie. The most recent alias of notorious serial criminal Ron Mexico, the artist former known as Michael Vick, now called Federal Inmate 82563. Vick taking the top spot here is an anti-climax, as his selection is as obvious as Tom Brady winning the NFL MVP, “The Departed” winning the Oscar, or the handicapped guy winning “Last Comic Standing.” But there could be no other choice. You know how you wonder what you’d do if all your wishes came true? If you had hundreds of millions of dollars, youth, health, and Fathead-level fame? Well Vick decided that, rather than spend every night doing the backstroke through an ocean of bi-sexual coeds, he’d prefer to watch dogs bite each other, then smash the loser’s head against a rock. That was his dream, and it takes a special guy to make it come true. Vick fans complain that 23 months in the federal pen is excessive, but that’s only 3.2 months in dog years. Let’s hope for his sake he doesn’t run afoul of a PETA member in the shower.
That’s this year’s list. With apologies to A Rod, Sergio Garcia, Terrell Owens, Kobe Bryant, Barry Bonds, Bill Parcells, and Scott Boras, who just missed the cut. The ballots for 2008 go out next week.