The 2005 Unsportman of the Year

10. Pedro. For the Mets, he showed up on time. He didn’t miss a start. He didn’t leave the team bus waiting. He also never stopped talking about his time in Boston like it was the Bataan Death March. The Dominican Diva openly admitted that he resented sharing the top of the Sox rotation with Curt Schilling. With the Mets hovering around .500 and out of the playoff hunt, he celebrated a complete game shutout by circling the stands like his number was being retired. For all that, he won one more game than Bronson Arroyo.

9. Philadelphia Eagles Fans. First, they embraced a nitwit like Terrell Owens. Then, according to everyone at the Super Bowl, Philly fans descended upon the good, decent, God-fearin’, red-state people of Jacksonville like the Barbarians in the “What’s in your wallet?” ads. They harassed anyone wearing Patriots gear, even kids. They bullied waitresses. They chewed & screwed at every restaurant in the city. The reason they don’t rank higher on this list is that it was so much fun to watch them lose, then see Owens destroy the team and leave them all crying into their $75 Eagles #81 jerseys.

8. Gary Sheffield. The accidental steroid user got into it with a fan in the right field stands at Fenway when the guy reached for a ball and accidentally gave him a “nosey.” Sheffield declared a State of Emergency, raised the Terror Threat Level to “Orange” and declared Martial Law. Then he congratulated himself for his maturity and restraint. Later he called himself the true leader of the Yankees and to prove his case, drove in all of two runs in the playoffs.

7. Mike Tice. The Minnesota Vikings Head Coach started out the year by being caught scalping his complimentary Super Bowl tickets. Then as his team started out the season 2-5, Tice gave them a fiery pep talk about the need to never, ever think about quitting. Afterward, several players said they didn’t understand the speech, but the coach is thinking about quitting. The Vikings hired Tice in the first place for his unique ability to breathe with both lips pressed firmly on Randy Moss’ buttocks, then were shocked when his players walked all over him. Four Vikings were suspended after a hooker-filled booze cruise that made anything Randy Moss ever did look like the Sabbath at Mitt Romney’s house.

6. Hurricanes. Katrina, obviously. But the U of Miami-type Hurricane also created their own natural disasters. Redskins Safety Sean Taylor picked up weapons charges, skipped his team’s off season workouts and refused to return phone calls from his Hall of Fame coach, Joe Gibbs. “It’s the off season” he explained. In 2005, Taylor has one fewer interception than his coach has Super Bowl rings. Another former ‘Cane, the Browns’ Kellen Winslow Jr. was lost for the season after he flipped his new motorcycle in violation of his contract. The Broncos’ DJ Williams was then arrested for OUI in October. Apologies to Vince Wilfork of the Pats and the Jets’ Jonathan Vilma, who just work hard and behave themselves. And a special thanks to Hurricane Wilma, which knocked down 250 trees at Eagle Ridge Golf Club in Ft. Myers, saving me at least ten strokes.

5. Supermom. This is the woman who wanted to take her infant to a Patriots game, and was told by the team that she’d need to buy a standing room ticket for the baby. Rather than cough up the $49, or God forbid, stay home, she put on a bigger media blitz than the Howard Stern Sirius Radio tour. If there’s one thing that life has taught me, it’s this: someone who feels the need to yell “Hey, I’m a good mother!!!” has mothering skills that wouldn’t pass muster in “March of the Penguins.”

4. Tom Benson. The owner of the Saints tried to use the hurricane to move him team out of New Orleans for good. If Benson and the city were a married couple, this would be the equivalent of breaking up with her while she’s clinging to life in a cancer ward. She’s supported Benson, given him a place to live, literally put a roof over his head, and he’s dumping her in her hour of need so he can go shack up with that home wrecking slut, San Antonio.

3. Drewell Owenshaus. The idiocy of this two-headed monster (part Wide Receiver, part agent, almost human) sucked the life out of the sports world from Labor Day until just past Halloween. Still, I’m eternally grateful that in a few short weeks Drew Rosenhaus managed to ruin T.O.’s career, expose himself as an incompetent fraud, cost his client millions of dollars, make the loathsome Eagles implode, and make me thank my Maker every day that I’m a Patriots fan.

2. Rafael Palmeiro. At least when Mark McGwire lied through his teeth to the Senate committee, he had the decency to play it dumb, to do the Frankie Pentangeli “No, Senator…I don’t know nothin’ about no steroids” thing. Palmeiro’s lie was a long, high, deep tape measure job into the upper deck. The only thing missing was the Michael Corleone “I hope this committee will have the decency to clear my name with the same publicity with which they now have besmirched it.” Later we found out that as he sat there, Palmeiro had already taken, and failed, his drug test. Then when the results were made public, he blamed it on a B-12 shot he allegedly got from Miguel Tejada, which made me rethink my whole policy of letting co-workers inject me in the ass with syringes full of unknown substances.

1. Mark Downs. Who? He’s better known to the world as the Tee-Ball coach who wanted to win so badly, he paid a player $25 to injure an eight year old autistic kid so Downs wouldn’t have to put him in the game. After beaning the kid in the head with a ball didn’t work, Downs’ junior hit-man whipped the ball at the poor kid’s nuts.

I don’t know how you calculate this guy’s ratio of evil-to-stupid, but I imagine it’s pretty close to 50/50. Picture Dwight Yoakam in “Sling Blade.” Obviously, you have to be evil to want to hurt a handicapped kid. But only a pluperfect idiot would think this scheme would work. Besides, who cares about winning at Tee-Ball? Tee-Ball is to competitive sports what the fourth grade Christmas concert is to “American Idol.“ And who bribes an eight year old with 25 bucks? Kids that age have no concept of the value of money. For a bag of Chips Ahoys you could get one to pull off the Gardiner Museum heist. Hell, Drew Rosenhaus would have done it for $10.

Sorry to all those who didn’t make the list this year. But to Ron Artest, Barry Bonds, Tony Allen, Danica Patrick, Marcus Camby, even Manny and Johnny Damon, a new year starts this week.