The Ultimate List of Great Movie Endings

Last week the website Filmcritic.com came out with its list of the 50 Greatest Movie Endings of All Time.  It’s a fairly comprehensive list, with everything from the obvious choices (“Casablanca”), to the obscure (what the hell is “8 1/2”?), to the French crapfests that movie critics love so much (“Pickpocket”), but surprisingly it includes some really entertaining movies as well (“Pulp Fiction,” “Batman Begins).

Since the list came out, it’s been linked all over the world.  If you Google “50 greatest movie endings” you’ll get over 55 million hits.  This is because every movie-fixated knucklehead in the world with internet access is posting their reaction to Filmcritic’s list and coming up with a list their own.  I of course, am no exception.

But it’s arrogant, if not plainly idiotic, to think you can fit every great movie ending onto a single list.  Like I said once before in this space about movie quotes, you can’t just make one all-encompassing list, because not every movie ending is right for every situation.  The nuclear war at the end of “Dr. Strangelove” (#1 on Filmcritic’s list) might be a great scene, but can you say it’s objectively better than Private Ryan visiting Tom Hank’s grave?  You simply can’t compare the two; they’re too different.

It’s like music.  Each and every holiday weekend, some classic hits station in America is counting down the Greatest Songs of All Time.  And every time the top song is either “Stairway to Heaven” or “Freebird.”  But how can you say these are absolutely the two best songs ever written?  The first is great to listen to if you and your buddy just polished off his grandma’s Oxycontin prescription, and the second is the best for tailgating with a case of Dixie Beer at a stock car race.  But neither is much use as a make out song (the best would be Peter Gabriel‘s “In Your Eyes”), or any good for a sports highlight reel (Karl Orff’s “Carmina Burana”) or are going to fill the dance floor at a wedding (“Come on Eileen” by Dexy’s Midnight Runner).

So here’s one movie fan’s list of the Greatest Movie Endings, by category:

Best Emotional Payoff Ending
5.“Rudy“-Rudy not only gets in the game, but makes a tackle.  Who’s the wild man now?
4.“The Shawshank Redemption”-Red finds out that the Pacific in Zihuatanejo is as blue as it’s been in his dreams, sees his friend, and shakes his hand.
3. “Rocky”-Don’t let the five sequels fool you.  Rocky didn’t want no rematch.
2. “The Return of the King”-After ten hours over three movies, the kingdom of Gondor bows down before the little Shirefolk.  It was the least they could do.
1. “It’s a Wonderful Life”-Maybe you cry every time the whole town of Bedford Falls shows up Xmas Eve to save George Bailey‘s bacon, but I’m a rock.

Funniest Movie Endings
5. “Team America: World Police”-The “Dicks/Pussies/Assholes” Speech sums up my entire political philosophy.  If I ever run for office, it’ll be the cornerstone of my campaign.
4. “Napoleon Dynamite”-And on election night, I’ll have someone do the “Vote for Pedro” dance.
3. “Christmas Vacation”-Santa flies across the moon with the power of magic, miracles, and methane in the storm drain.  Hey, cousin Eddie’s shitter was full.
2. “Caddyshack”-Every movie in the late 70s/early ‘80’s had a Kenny Loggins song.  Only one had an exploding golf course and dancing varmint poontang.
1. “The Naked Gun”-A wheelchair-bound OJ Simpson flying off the upper deck in Anaheim?  It could only be funnier if it was real.

Best Implausible Ending That You Believe Anyway
3. “The Natural”-With the pennant on the line, Roy Hobbs puts one in the light towers and they explode like fireworks.  Although I’m convinced Wily Mo Pena will do it eventually.
2. “Field of Dreams”-Large parts of this movie are unmatchable (I defy you not to change channels during the PTA meeting scene), but it all pays off when the Kinsellas have that game of catch.  Again, no tears from me though.  Uh-uh.  Not one.
1. “Jaws”- Spielberg came up with the oxygen tank idea because Dammit, Martin, this is compressed air!!!

Best “Whoa!“ Endings, Where Now it All Makes Sense
5. (tie) “Seven”/”The Usual Suspects”-Either way, don’t piss off Kevin Spacey.
4. “Fight Club”-Sorry I can’t elaborate.  The first rule is “Don’t talk about fight club.”
3. “The Empire Strikes Back”-We’ve seen him handle a light saber; but it turns out back in the day, Darth was quite the swordsman.
2. “The Sixth Sense”-Don’t tell me you saw it coming.
1. “Planet of the Apes”-Charlton Heston realizes he’s on Earth in the future, and you blew it up, you maniacs, and he damns you all to hell.

Endings Where It Was All Just a Dream…Or Was It?
3. “Brazil”- Made the Filmcritc.com list.
2. “Jacob’s Ladder”- A rip-off “Brazil,” also made the list.
1. “The Wizard of Oz”-It did too.  God, the critics love this ending.

Endings Where You Have to Stifle a Laugh While Your Wife Cries
5. “Terms of Endearment”-Debra Winger dies. 
4. “Officer and a Gentleman”-Richard Gere carries Debra Winger out of work (Note: she was alive at the time).
3. “Dirty Dancing”-”Nobody puts Baby in a corner”: the most unintentionally funny moment in film history.
2.  “Fried Steel Green Magnolias”- I know nothing about these movies.  Ask your wife.
1. “Pretty Woman”-Billionaires who look like Richard Gere have to hire prostitutes.  Prostitutes look like Julia Roberts in her prime.  Riiight.

Movies That End With a Superfluous Song
5. “The Producers”- The original, funny version, with Bialystock in jail leading the inmates in a production of “Prisoners in Love.”
4. “The Blues Brothers”-”Jailhouse Rock.”  Is there a pattern here?
3. “Life of Brian”-Three guys nailed to crosses singing (and sort of dancing) “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.”  Sacri-larious.
2. “Shrek”-”I’m a Believer” is Eddie Murphy’s best song ever. “Party All The Time” is a close second.
1. “The 40 Year Old Virgin”-I swear to you I have laid next to my wife in bed and sang “Age of Aquarius.”

Best Reaction to the End of a Movie by an Audience Member
1. I swear this is a true story:  A high school girl sitting behind my brother Jack sobbed at the end of “Titanic,” “I didn’t know the boat SAAANK!!!”