Um, This Isn’t The Bellagio

When plans were discussed for my buddy’s bachelor party in Vegas, it came down to two, VERY distinct choices of hotels.  Option 1 was your traditional, super-expensive Vegas bachelor party at the fine-scented palace known as the Mandalay Bay.  $400 a night, Grand buffets, wave pools, girls dressed in nothing.  Option 2 I called “The Anti-Mandalay” -- hanging with local degenerates on a strict, gambling-only venture to the $3 craps tables at The Orleans, located about a mile off The Strip. 

Now this choice would certainly be a roll of the dice, considering none of us had ever stayed anywhere off The Strip in 6+ years of coming to Vegas.  It was like deciding on going to either Saratoga or Suffolk for the weekend.  Well, you can probably guess which one we selected, and as I sit in my $42 a night room (yes, $42), I’d like to compare Vegas – on The Strip, versus a local hangout like here at The Orleans.  (Yes, $42…)

“Entertainment” – On The Strip entertainment always brings out the heavy artillery.  Jerry Seinfeld, Celine Dion, David Copperfield and Madonna are some of the A-list megastars you’ll likely see performing for in-upwards of $900 a pop.  Here at The Orleans – Air Supply.  For the low-low price of $39.  Unbelievable.  My cab driver, after almost crashing when I told him where I was staying, apparently saw Air Supply here last year and he said the band pathetically still uses the same sound system they used when they were selling-out stadiums in the 80’s, and people were walking out BEFORE “All Out of Love” because it was so damn loud.  But don’t worry if you missed out - headliners next month at The Orleans include the still-in-their-prime, Slayer and Bell Biv Devoe.  And if you’re not into cool music, there’s a bowling alley upstairs from the TGI Friday’s.

“The Pool” – I’m a big pool guy.  Love lounging by the pool, sipping a drink and doing nothing.  On The Strip, girls you’ve never seen anything like in your life are out in full force lying by the pool.  Good times…. if you’re up in time to snag a chair somewhere in the same area code as the pool.  Here at The Orleans – things are a little different.  You don’t exactly have to set your alarm to get a poolside chair, and the youngest woman I spotted was a saggy, 55.  Also, as I laid out in horror on Friday, I had to do a bit of triple-take by what I heard.  “No” I said to myself.  “NO.”  But it was…  “……da da da DA da-da-da, DA da-da-da, DA da-da-daaaaaaa.”  Yup.  It was the trumpet’s “call to post” for the 9^th race at Churchill Downs, which was being shown on the 1 working TV at the poolside bar, and comes in at sign #126 you’re staying at the degenerate version of “Paradise Hotel”. 

“Long Lines” – One of the major downsides of staying at a place on a The Strip are the long lines for the buffet.  Here at The Orleans, the longest line all weekend was the paycheck-cashing line in the front lobby on Friday afternoon.  There had to be 150 people waiting not-so-patiently to not only cash their check, but get a free pull on a slot machine!  I could only shake my head as I sliced through the sea of quasi-legality on my way to the sportsbook.  When I asked my buddy if this type of line existed at any other casino - he replied, “Pete, I don’t think they have this line at the Bellagio.”  Well put.

(Side note – Everyone has a limp.  Young, old, male, female.  Everyone in this hotel is limping.  I don’t get it.  By the 3^rd day I joined the party just because I felt funny NOT limping.  It was weird.  End of side note.)

“Race and Sportsbook” – On The Strip race and sportsbook’s are essentially made-up of vacationing tourists looking to make a few bucks.  Not here.  These people are playing for grocery money; everyone is a local, they are here to work, and this is their home/office.  Everyone knows everyone and people have their own designated seats – not marked by a “reserved for Mr. Smith” sign, its just everyone knows where everyone else sits, and you better not be an outsider who accidentally sits in someone’s chair 5 minutes before the Met Mile.  I also noticed, no one cheers.  No one.  People get mad.  But no one cheers.  On The Strip, again, these tourists are jumping up and down like little girls after they win $100, but not at The Orleans.  Don’t F with these people – it’s literally ALL business. 

(Side note #2: guests at The Orleans receive a coupon for a free hot dog after making a $20 race or sports bet.  I commented that this was the greatest gambling promotion since the Tropicana was awarding $1 million in 2002 for anyone who defeated a glass-cased chicken in tic-tac-toe.)  

“Celebrity sightings” – One of the cool things about staying on The Strip is the random celebrity sightings you can brag about to your buddies.  “Dude, guess who I saw at the Flamingo - Gary Coleman.”  “No way!”   This weekend, I don’t even know her name, but I spotted a B-list porn star in line at The Orleans’ sportsbook.  Short and blonde, I recognized her from a mile a way.  That’s all I got for porn star sightings.  As far as prostitutes – you can pretty much “catch a hanger” any time of day.  Most are visibly decaying, disfigured, and with “Iron Mike Sharpe” arm bands on their legs.  Just be careful.  Please.  Be very, very, careful. Very careful.

“Poker” – I’m currently getting clobbered playing $1-2 No Limit at The Orleans.  This is NOT Foxwoods.  Repeat: NOT Foxwoods.  These people live here, literally, and they’re all sharks.  Friday night I took my seat at the table, and who was across from me?  Al Krux.  Who’s that, you say?  Well those of you who follow poker should know Al Krux from his 2 WSOP Main Event final tables, most recently in 2004 when Greg Raymer won the title.  I immediately recognized him, he looked horrible, and I found it somewhat strange that Al Krux was playing $1-2 No Limit at The Orleans.  Again, this isn’t the Bellagio where you’ll find the likes of Phil Ivey and Barry Greenstein.  This is The Orleans.  We got Al Krux.

“A Room with a View” – When you stay on The Strip, you’re likely to have a decent view of something.  Whether it be the Bellagio water fountain, The Strip, your hotel pool, or something else worth staring at.  Here at The Orleans – the purple neon lights of “Seamless Gentleman’s Club” is in your direct line of sight, just across the street from Tacos Mexicos, a gas station, and an unidentified abandoned building which I recognized from “C.O.P.S. – Las Vegas.”  For some reason this view wasn’t mentioned in the hotel brochure…?

Well as you can see it’s certainly a different breed of clientele here at The Orleans.  All things considered, you’ll probably be the best-dressed person in the entire building.  Yes, you.  So if you want attractive human beings and legitimate entertainment, I’d recommend some place ON The Strip.  But if you’re just looking for a cheap joint to bet on horses by the pool and see cheesy 80’s rock bands for less than $40 - maybe, just maybe, The Orleans is the place for you.