IS THIS THE END FOR THE PATRIOTS?
“Mile-High Mistakes End Patriots' Dynasty” -The New York Times
“Ugly Ending to Patriots' Dynasty “- MSNBC.com
“Bailey, Broncos End Patriots' Reign” -SI.com
It's been a tough couple of week to be a Patriots fan. It's bad enough having to watch Pittsburgh and Seattle winning what Tedy Bruschi calls the "t-shirt and hat games." But it's even worse because you can't stop thinking about how the Pats were beaten by the only team in the NFL capable of pulling it off: themselves.
On the first play from scrimmage, I was convinced Denver was doomed. Like George W. Bush, I can look into a man's eyes and see his soul. And Bruschi's bugging, maniacal, ephedrine eyes on that play told me that the Pats were about to do their patented "Super Friends, UNITE!" thing and knock the Rocky Mountain Oysters out of the Broncos.
I was almost right. The Pats outplayed Denver in every respect, and would have won big, if they’d only held onto the ball. Whitney Houston takes better care of her kids than the Pats did the football that night. If the BC basketball team committed that many bad turnovers, the FBI’s Organized Crime Unit would launch an investigation.
I’m not sure when my post-loss depression hit rock bottom. It was probably waking up the next morning and realizing this year’s Super Bowl would mean nothing more to me than hoping I hit on some squares and the return of the “GoDaddy.com Girl.”
But my funk didn’t last long. I got exactly what I needed to cheer me up from the one source that will never let you down. At a time when the Patriots screw up and turn my world upside down, I take comfort in knowing that there’s still something in this life you can count on: the stupidity of the American sporting press.
Most of the Patriots hadn’t taken their chin straps off before the national writers were burying them. They weren’t just dancing on the Patriots’ grave; they threw a full-blown, all-night, ecstasy-fueled, glow stick-waving, Eurotrash-DJ’d, techo-synth rave on top of it.
To that I say, “Thanks, fellas.” Really. I mean it. You’ve warmed this Patriots fan’s broken heart. For the last four incomprehensibly successful years, the Pats have been the NFL’s BMOC. They’ve gotten the best grades, stocked the trophy case outside the gym, stolen everyone’s girlfriend and taken their lunch money. This year it’s somebody else’s turn, and the media is talking like the Pats are gone for good. The fact of the matter is that they’re just home sick, and they know what everyone’s been saying about them while their gone.
But next fall they’ll be back at school. My seven reasons why the 2006 Patriots will be the better than ever:
The Coach. How great is Bill Belichick? Great enough that every football program in the world is trying to get some piece of his magic to rub off on them. They say he screwed up in Cleveland. But his coaching staff must have been the Jedi Council, because today they rule the football galaxy. Nick Saban is running the Dolphins. Kirk Frerentz was the 2002 College Coach of the Year at Iowa. Pat Hill turned Fresno St. into a Top 20 program. And the Jets were so desperate for a strand of Belichick‘s DNA, they just made a Head Coach out of Eric Mangini, who was the Browns’ ball boy. That’s no joke; the ball boy. There are still a half dozen vacant NFL jobs. Look for someone to hire The Sweatshirted One’s 14 year old son, his ex-wife, and the kid who mows his lawn. “The Buffalo Bills are proud to introduce our new Head Coach: A collection hair trimmings we swept up off the floor of Bill Belichick’s barber shop…” (applause)
The Quarterback. I said there is one thing you can always count on. There’s another: Peyton Manning will cough up a fur ball when it matters most, then blame somebody else. If I’m ever lying sick in a hospital bed and need cheering up, save the flowers. Just send me videos of his “I don’t want to be a bad teammate” speech, it gives my feet wings.
Tom Brady, on the other hand, made more great plays this year than Burger King. But the one time he screwed up, the Denver game, he had this to say: "I made a poor decision and every play has breakdowns and my job is to read the play and make the proper read…and I didn't" Whom would you rather block for?
Running Back. Corey Dillon was hurt. That’s it. So they struggled with the run all year. That gave us the Heath Evans Era (Week 10) and the scene in Week 14 when Mike Cloud was cut in the first quarter, then re-signed just before halftime.
The Offensive Line. Matt Light will be back. So will Dan Koppen. Logan Mankins was a rock all year. The only playing time he missed was Week 6, when he got thrown out for punching a Bronco player in his Wife’s Best Friend. Later in the season, he introduced himself to the great Zach Thomas with a furious, post-whistle smack down. Nick Kaczur held up against the best edge rushers in the NFL. When Light returns, look for Kaczur to move from Identity Theft Protection over to Fraud Prevention.
The Front Seven. Here’s how low the bar is set: If no one suffers a debilitating near fatal cerebral trauma this off season, then we’re already in better shape coming into camp than we were last year.
The Defensive Backs. Belichick broke camp with ten guys in the secondary. My biggest regret in life is that I didn’t copyright the phrase “a Patriots’ defender is injured on the play” because they started dropping like soldiers at Antetiam. By Halloween, six were out for the season. The ones that still stood couldn’t cover anyone. The Unabomber had more human contact than opposing receivers. Drew Rosenhaus wanted the Pats to have a ceremony to honor Duane Stark’s 100th blown coverage. Signing Pepsi Machine was looking like a viable option.
Just when it looked like Belichick had fired all of his bullets and was ready to throw the gun, things settled down. Ellis Hobbs showed he could play. Artrell Hawkins went from a street free agent to an integral part of the defense. Which leads us to the final reason.
Rodney Harrison. When he was carted off the field in September, it felt like the season might be lost. It took four more months, but essentially that was correct. Not to exaggerate, but it turns out that Rodney is the single most important man in the world. Without his talent and leadership, the team went into a tailspin. And next year, he’ll be back. Angry. Think Max Cady in “Cape Fear” angry. He’s had time to sit and think and focus his anger. And someone’s going to have to pay.
And nobody searches the newspapers for disrespect more than Harrison does. Thanks again.