Things Girls Like

I’ve never been a ladies man.  In fact, I think I may be slightly demented when it comes to what I think impresses the ladies.  Therefore, I decided to reevaluate my priorities and compose a list of things that I think make the opposite sex swoon.   Some of these things I’m good at and some I’m not so good at.   But I feel like if anybody could master this list they’d be getting laid every day of the week and twice on Sundays.   Of course I could just be crazy.

Being Good At Company Softball – Some girls may not want to admit it, but all chicks dig the long ball.    And there is no better way to assert your male dominance than by taking “Harold From Accounting” deep at the company softball game.   I don’t care if none of the women are paying attention to the game, it’s impossible to ignore the “ping” of a well struck softball.   And then all eyes turn to you as you slowly round the bases with one flap down Jeffrey Leonard style acting like the titanic blast was nothing special.  You can’t tell me this doesn’t make chicks wet just a little bit.

Buying Cool Mixed Drinks - I suck at this one.   I’m strictly a beer and wine guy.   I feel like this really cripples my game.   Because I’m pretty sure chicks don’t respect the average beer drinking dude anymore.  They’re looking for guys who order fancy pants drinks.    I barely know how to order a mixed drink for the First Lady never mind for myself.  But I’m dying to have my own signature drink like James Bond or something.  Problem is I only like beer and wine.   Everything else sucks.

Tipping Like a MOFO – I have no idea whether this is true or not, but I’m under the impression that girls love guys who tip.  When I’m on a date I’m like a freaking ATM machine.   I’m tipping homeless people, Spare Change guys, taxi drivers, bartenders, the guy selling popcorn at the movies, the dude who gives you your golf ball at mini golf etc.   I’ll even buy those fake roses from the homeless people on the street.  Bottom-line I’ll tip anybody who looks at me funny when I’m with a girl I’m trying to impress.   I just feel like chicks are always judging you.    And what happens if you don’t tip somebody like a homeless guy and then the girl gives him money?    I mean you might as well just pack up and go home if that happens.  Therefore, I just tip anything that moves.  Better safe than sorry.

Music on My iPod – This one is definitely bordering on crazy.   But for some reason I’m a firm believer that chicks are impressed by what songs I’m listening to in my car.    So whenever I have a Barstool Sports Girl in the Astrovan I frantically search for the perfect song on my iPod.  The problem is I don’t even know what the kids listen to nowadays.   I always end up with “She’s Always a Woman to Me’ by Billy Joel, but frankly I think that just freaks them out.    There is something about the Astrovan/Slow Jam combo that doesn’t do the trick.   From now on I think I’m going to go with Guantanemerra.   But don’t tell me that the music on my radio doesn’t matter because I’m pretty sure it does.

Stubble – If I’m wrong about this one than I don’t want to be right.   Chicks love stubble.   Nothing like a little 5’oclock shadow to get the juices flowing right?  Also, I’m pretty sure it’s how girls differentiate between little boys and men.   Men have facial hair and little boys don’t.  It’s that simple.    And chicks love bad boys right?  You can’t be a bad boy and have no facial hair.    At least that’s the word on the street.

Picking Good Movies – I’ve always been a believer that being able to pick good rental movies is a sign of strength to woman.   It’s sort of like a window into your soul.   And you get double bonus points if you can pick a great movie that the girl has never heard of.    It just makes you seem so cultured and sophisticated.   Like you’re going to be able to teach her all these new things about life. The First Lady is still bragging to her friends about how I made her watch Hustle and Flow.   She wanted nothing to do with it at first but by the time it was over she couldn’t keep her hands off of me.   Again being able to pick good movies just shows that you’re going to be able to show her the finer things in life.

Eating A Lot – I’m pretty sure that it’s built into the human genetic code that chicks like guys who can eat a lot.   I think it has something to do with Darwin’s Survival of the Fittest.    The way I see it, back in the Stone Age the leaders of the tribe were the hunters who went out and got the food.  They also got the biggest portions at dinner.   And the little tribe women always wanted to date these men.  Therefore, being able to throw down a ton of food became a sure fire sign of manhood.    And this remains true to this day.  I can’t imagine any girl wanting to date a guy who eats like a bird.   Bottom line is that if you bring a girl to a nice restaurant and she can only put away half of her meal she needs to be able to know that you’re going to protect her and put away the rest of it.    She wants to know that she’s dating a hunter not a wimpy little stay at home tribesman.   

Dancing –While lots of guys hate dancing, myself included, girls love dudes who can dance.   From what I gather, chicks think that dancing is a sign of sexual prowess.  While I have no idea if this is true or not, I can say that I was awesome at Chisholm/ Lindall wedding.   I was gliding across the dance floor like Fred Astaire.   I don’t know what happened to me that day, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to recreate it.   It was like the floor had grease on it or something.  Anyway,  it’s the most attracted the First Lady has been to me since I’ve known her so maybe there is something to this whole dancing thing.

Blogging – This one is a no brainer.   What I lack in dancing skills, I make up for in blogging skills.   You can’t tell me that chicks aren’t kind of impressed when they find out that I blog for a living.   It’s like being a trader on Wall Street except the pay isn’t nearly as good.

Cutting my own hair – I’ve gone back and forth on this one.    Half the time I can’t tell whether chicks are impressed, disgusted or just flat out surprised that I cut my own hair.    But for some reason, I’ve always kind of bragged about the fact I cut my own hair.  I sort of wear it like a badge of honor or something.   It’s my own little purple heart.   I’ll even bait girls into asking me where I get my hair cut just so I can tell them I do it myself. Nuts right?    

Knowing Hidden Restaurants – This one is a distant cousin of being able to pick good rental movies.    I know for a fact that girls are attracted to guys who take them to cool restaurants.  It just shows that you’re a man about town.   And it keeps her from wondering whether the grass is greener on the other side.    I’m telling you right now if you take a girl to Giacamos in the South End and have her order the Goat Cheese Gnocchi, she’ll probably go down on you in the restaurant.  It’s that good.

Being Good With Cars– I’m the freaking worst with cars.  This can be a real killer with the ladies.   For example a couple years ago a girl I was trying to impress got a flat tire.    She asked me if I could help her fix it.    So I did the only thing I knew how to do; I called AAA.    Needless to say that standing there with the girl while the mechanic changed her tire was arguably my lowest moment as a human being.  I mean the dude might as well been f-cking my girlfriend right in front of me in my bed.   It was that bad.    After that day I vowed to myself that I’d learn how to change a flat tire.   And if I wasn’t so damn lazy I definitely would have followed through.    But I’m pretty confident I lost all chances I had with this chick after that day.

So there you have it.  El Presidente’s list of what he thinks impresses the ladies.   I think it’s safe to say I’m lucky to have a girlfriend.