That Guy
I go to bars. You go to bars. Everyone goes to bars. And I’m talking about bars, not clubs with $7 beers. Places where you wear hats, hoodies, and New Balances. And I’m sure there are tendencies of girls that drive other girls crazy, but it seems to me that a vast majority of guys have at least one obnoxious tendency while at a bar. I’m certainly not saying that I haven’t done any of these while completely knuckled, nor am I saying that there isn’t another annoying trait that I have that drives other guys crazy. Regardless, here are 5 things that guys do at bars that drive me completely insane and force me to sit on my couch by myself with a 12 pack
1) That guy: In the shiny shirt with the ridiculously starched collar and the designer sunglasses. Probably on his cell phone every two minutes, that has some obnoxious techno song as the ringtone. He’s also not interested in whatever game is on because he is completely checking out every girl in the place. And when any girl has the misfortune of walking by him, he makes some comment to her and acts like she should be lucky to talk to him.
Advice: Settle down and proceed to the Roxy without passing Go.
1) That guy: He thinks the bartender should have a radar lock on him at all times. His glass is empty and he’s trying to get a drink, but the bartender does not see him within the allotted 10 seconds he has given. He will proceed to stand on the rail of the bar in order to be seen clearer. He will proceed to yell such things as “hey”, or “excuse me”. He will also start waving his money.
Advice: Relax. The bartender will see you. There are 150 people in the bar and 3 bartenders. Put your $20 in your hand on the bar and try to make eye contact with the bartender. Waving and yelling makes the bartender mad and he/she will walk by you 15 times without serving you just to make a point.
2) That guy: He screams at every play of the game that’s on. He also has no idea what he’s talking about. He yells such wonderful questions as “Did you see that?” and tries to rattle off stats. He is wrong about the stats and any such analysis of the game
Advice: Shut the hell up. Everyone is watching the game, and by the distributive property, everyone saw ‘that’. I have two examples of why this is a problem. Recently I have witnessed the following statements at bars. First, upon being asked the score, a twenty-something man turned to his friend and said, “it’s one to three.” Secondly, I heard, “Villanova is going win this game because they have more size than Florida.” Enough said.
3) That guy: He talks at an unnecessarily loud volume to his friends with the hope that the girls on the other side of his friends hear him and think whatever ‘wild and crazy’ story he is telling is the greatest thing they’ve ever heard. He gets louder and louder as the night progresses.
Advice: Have a normal conversation with your friends at a normal decibel level. If you want to tell the girl next to your buddy your story, go over, introduce yourself, start a conversation, buy her a drink, and tell her the friggin story. She probably doesn’t care just as much as everyone else doesn’t care, but at least the rest of us don’t have to listen to it.
4) That guy: He will not shut up while either in the bathroom or waiting in line to use the bathroom. He says things like “Wow, I can’t believe there’s a line for the guy’s bathroom, I thought only the girl’s bathroom had lines. (chuckle chuckle)”
Advice: Dude, nobody wants to talk to you. Shut up. That’s not funny and it hasn’t been funny the first 3,000 times people have said it. We are going into a room where I’m going to open up my pants in front of 5 other guys, and while I’m doing this, the last thing I want to do is talk to one of the guys in there with me. Just stare straight ahead, take care of your business, and shut up.
Also receiving votes: That guy who dances and sings the songs while he’s dancing (Dude, nobody wants to watch you mouth the words to Since You’ve Been Gone).
As I said, I’m sure I’ve done at least one of these at some point, and I’m sure there are more, but I think if you stay away from these, you’ll have a good chance of not having every guy, and some girls, in the bar think you’re an idiot.