Suicide Watch: The Fall Top 10

I love when people are described as being "on suicide watch."

You hardly ever get to actively root for an unspeakable tragedy so it's a nice treat when you get to sit back, observe the abomination that is someone's life and watch the whole episode unfold. We pull over to check out the aftermath of a car wreck; how psyched would we be for a chance to see the whole catastrophe from start to finish? The answer is pretty psyched.

So, let's break down the Top 10 Suicide Watch candidates. Might as well grab some popcorn and a plastic sheet (ever been to a Gallagher show? Ever been to a Gallagher show where he puts a gun in his mouth. You'll be happy you have the plastic.)

1. Britney's kids- If kids can build their own nation, then why can't they be on suicide watch? Britney's kids are facing this terrible choice- continue to be abused by their fucked-in-the-head mother or go live with their doofus douchebag father, Kevin Federline? When your future is all but guaranteed to involve a heavy dose of Britney Spears or KFed, how can you not be thinking of suicide? And it's not like it would be hard for the Spears' kids to off themselves; their parents barely acknowledge their existence. It wouldn't surprise me if there's an empty bottle of Kiddie Tylenol somewhere in the Spears household right now.

2. Britney Spears- She's about to lose a custody hearing to KFed and she's chubby and she's a bad mother and she has bad hair. Hell, I'm shocked she hasn't already run into traffic. I mean, she's chubby in an industry where any woman that weighs north of "multiple organ failure slim" is considered a plus size extra. I don't make the rules but I sure as hell know them and chubby mothers of two don't make comebacks. They make rat poison smoothies.

3. LaDainian Tomlinson- Tomlinson makes millions and is one of the very best players in the NFL. But he's an enormous pussy and has "take the easy way out" written all over him. If the Chargers end up making the playoffs and are slated to play the Patriots, Vegas will have "Tomlinson ends his life rather than face a Patriots' run defense with Richard Seymour and Rodney Harrison" at 3-1.

4. Eric Mangini- You cross Belichick and you're throwing your life away. Mangini knows that it's only a matter of time until Belichick exacts his revenge and destroys everything the Jets' coach holds sacred. I don't even know how Mangini sleeps at night knowing that Belichick is out there, somewhere, plotting his downfall.

5. Wampanoags- Hey, don't worry my Indian brothers; I'm sure that you'll be able to compete with the Steve Wynn's of the world now that Massachusetts is one big casino off-ramp.

6.Bill Simmons- Bill flipped his shit on Page 2 this week over the Belichick-spying stuff. Check out this rant:

We live in a world in which global-warming activists charter private jets to take them from speech to speech, then tell people not to use so much toilet paper. We live in a world in which American kids are getting killed every day in the Middle East and nobody will mobilize a valid protest until the President finally decides, "We're having a draft lottery." We live in a world in which you can Google the female star of the most popular Disney TV movie ever and see her naked, and NBC runs a popular show in which they trap potential child predators and film the confrontations on TV. We live in a world in which high school kids can decide they don't like another high school kid, so they can build an anonymous slam page and libel the hell out of him, and even though this happens and keeps happening, we still don't have any set-in-stone Internet laws to prevent this.

Nothing like a millionaire sportswriter bemoaning the attention sports fans pay to sports and sportswriters. It's too bad that Bill doesn't have a national platform that reaches millions and millions of Americans so he could do something about all the serious issues in this country that we ignore because of our obsession with sports.

7. New Orleans- Football suicide watch enacted. Regular post-Katrina, the government fucked us and destroyed our future suicide watch remains in place.

8. The Monday Night Football Audience- Eagles and Redskins. God, I'm so happy that I don't have to root for either one of these two teams because then I would be off the "It's almost time for bed, I can't take anymore of this game" suicide watch and standing in line at the gun store.

9. The Bruins ticket department- If this turns out to be a murder-suicide deal and Jeremy Jacobs ends up with a hockey stick in his chest, not one of the dozens of Bruins fans would be surprised. Good luck selling tickets, fellas. I mean, why pay to see Kevin Garnett or Tom Brady when I can pay to watch…Ray Bourque. Does he still play? What about Cam Neely?

10. Peter King- Just wishful thinking on my part. I'm hoping that Mary Beth will end up banging TO and push Pete over the edge.