Stumped By The Schwab

Stumped by The Schwab
By Kevin Wall
feedback@barstoolsports.com

Act I: The Audition

When the email came across my desk announcing auditions in Syracuse for “Stump the Schwab,” I knew I had to do it. You see, I was one of those kids who learned to read from the sports pages and fielded calls from Dad’s friends at the bar as they tried to settle sports bets. This email was my chance to get paid to discuss sports.

I headed to the Stump the Schwab audition on a Saturday morning during the East Regional of the NCAA Tournament. Upon arrival, I was informed that you had 6 minutes to take and pass a 30 question sports quiz. If you passed the quiz, you got to move into another room for an interview with producers from the show. I was able to pass the quiz and head to the interview room. The interview process seemed designed to figure out who my perfect soul mate would be as much as it was to find out my knowledge about sports. After the interview was completed I was told that I may be contacted for the show. (If I do ever become famous, this tape could be damaging if it falls into the wrong hands. One tip for those trying out for tv shows- if you’ve participated in organized streaking at any time in your life, let them know, but that’s a story for another time)

About a week and a half later, I got the call to come to NYC for a taping. I had made it past the first step and now panic began to set in. How do you cram years of sports stats into your brain in a week? This was like cramming for a test on every subject you ever studied and I felt woefully unprepared. I headed down to NYC with my fiancé and nervously wondered what to expect.

Act II: The Pre-Show

We were greeted at the studio by production staff and brought to the green room. Ah yes, the infamous tv green room; the luxurious spot for fabulous pre and post-show parties. This green room did not fit that description. It consisted of three small rooms with a love seat, a desk, three chairs and a little 19 inch tv. Six contestants were there that day and after introductions, we drew cards to decide our groups of three and the order we would tape our shows. I was in the first group with Shawn from Waltham and Brian from Philly. Both of these guys work as actuaries, who I am told are good with numbers….maybe someone can clarify this.

While waiting in the Green Room we learned that during our show we would be playing “Dodge the Schwab” in the 2nd round. The show’s lawyer and production staff came in to review the rules and legalities of the games and to answer our questions. After they finished, they brought in lunch. Now I don’t know about you, but when I’m real nervous and about to go on tv in 45 minutes, there is nothing I’d rather eat than some fried chicken. Needless to say I passed on the chicken and stuck with bananas and water. I don’t think any of the contestants ate the chicken that day, but the production staff loved it.

Soon it was time for our outfits to be reviewed by wardrobe. Thankfully, my orange shirt and tie combination was deemed suitable for the taping. I can’t imagine what I would have been forced to wear if my outfit flunked the test. Next on our list was the make-up. No high chair of full vanity mirror for this show. We got to sit right up next to the makeup artist as she skillfully blended who knows what to make my skin look impeccable.

My biggest fear at this point was being knocked out in the 1st round. Most of us felt that the Schwab was unbeatable, but we were told he had lost the previous week and that got people thinking that maybe it could be done that day as well. It was almost showtime.

Act III:

I was glad to be on the first show-just to get it over with quicker. The audience was in place and being prepared by a local comic as we waited off to the side. The production staff gave us some final tips before the show. One of these tips was to address the Schwab when giving your answers, so that the cameras could pick us up. This helps explain why my buddies said I looked I possessed during Round One. I was just following directions.

Soon they introduced us to the crowd and the pressure really started to mount. I was seated 2nd and we were ready to roll. The Leading Off questions for our show were a mixed bag. Now the tough part about this round is that you have to remember what answers were already given. It seems easy at home but with the lights and cameras rolling it’s a totally different story.

Our first question was to name all of the players and managers that have had their numbers retired by the Yankees. Since no one in the group was a Yankees fan, other than the Schwab, we failed to clear the board. The second question was to name all of the running backs who have led the NFL in rushing since 1976. This got tricky as I soon realized that no one hears who leads the NFL in categories because all you hear about is AFC and NFC. We missed a lot of guys in this category but I was in good shape because one of the competitors repeated my Barry Sanders answer- meaning that I was up a couple of points on him. The Final question of the round was to name all of the NASCAR drivers with 30 or more correct victories. NASCAR. Not the words you want to hear if you’re a Yankee. After I ran out of successful Earnhardts, I was out of the round, but tied for the lead and into the second round.

We had to complete some retakes before the 2nd round began. Once the cameras started rolling, Stuart Scott started in on me. He rode me about the fact I’m a batboy (Go Pawsox!) instead of working in the concession stands with the girls. Hey, would you rather meet Roger Clemens and Sammy Sosa or spend time with the same girls you see in school everyday?

Our round 2 game was called “Dodge the Schwab” which as it turns out would have been good advice for me to follow. Dodge the Schwab is a game where they put the names of 12 sports figures on a board. Each contestant takes a turn choosing a figure. There is a question about the person behind 8 of the choices. These questions are worth 1 point for a correct answer and there is no penalty for a wrong answer. Behind 4 of the figures is a picture of the Schwab. If you get one of these, the Schwab will ask a more difficult question that awards 2 points for a correct answer, but you lose a point for a wrong answer. You have to decide before the question is asked if you will "dodge the Schwab" and pass the question to your opponent or answer yourself. Out of my six picks, I ended up picking 3 of the 4 Schwab questions which is very hard to do and a very bad omen.

The wheels officially fell off the bus after the first two questions. I picked back to back Schwab questions and was quickly 5 points behind my other competitor with an impressive negative 1. Stu kept reminding me that he was ahead of me and he wasn’t even playing. I finally hit a question to bring me back to zero, earning a high-five from Stu, but the psychological damage had been done. His forehead rub and taunts about how I wished I was black weren’t helping the situation. I just continued to slide down a slippery slope.

I faltered on an easy Jaromir Jagr question and lost another point on a question about the Tour de France. Soon it was down to one last question and a chance to get my score back to zero. However, I choked on a Michelle Kwan question and my spot in history was cemented. I was the first person on “Stump the Schwab” to get a negative score. At this point, all I could do was laugh and take pride in being first.

The cameras stopped and Stu and the Schwab shook my hand. I watched the rest of the taping from the audience, disappointed and relieved at the same time. When the taping ended, I talked to the Schwab for a moment. He apologized for his harsh on-air comments and lamented my 2nd round misfortune. We shook hands again and he said he hoped I enjoyed myself. I did have a great time despite my infamous performance. And I have to say the Schwab’s a good dude in my book. I was never a big fan of Stu Scott, but I was impressed with his ability to think quickly, even if all he was doing was his regular shtick.

I went back upstairs to collect my things, wipe off my makeup and pick up the consolation prizes- a 2005 ESPN Almanac (never too early to study for next year) and an ESPN t-shirt, “I failed to “stump” the Schwab,” which may end up on Ebay one day, but I had a great experience and I did make two appearances on ESPN2. Plus, I will forever be known as the guy in the orange shirt who scored minus 1 point. I suppose that I can live with that.