A "Stoolie Emails the Red Sox
From: jerrythornton@barstoolsports.com
To: redsox@redsox.com
Date: April 11, 2006
“OMG I am friggin pumped about Opening Day!!! All day I keep repeating that line from Shawshank, ”I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head.” I think you guys are in for a GREAT year…Beckett is pitching today, and the kid is a STUD… the infield looks like it’s the best you guys have ever had…Schilling is back 100% and the rotation is the best in the AL…But getting Ortiz signed up long term yesterday was like Xmas in April…I can’t escape the feeling that this is going to be one of those special seasons…just unforgettable. Go get ‘em : ) : ) : )”
April 18
“WTF! what a game! The Patriots Day game is always cool anyway, but when you win it with a walk-off HR, you know we’ll be talking about this one in Sept…I like Mirabelli as much as the next guy, but I still can’t believe you guys got Loretta for him…this guy might be the best 2B you’ve had since…who? Remy? Remember in Spring Training when they were talking about Youkilis like he’s a question mark? Question answered…he’s playing his ass off…Great job signing Coco too…hopefully his finger is nothing serious”
May 1
“Nice job against the Yankees tonight…FWIW, I think the media is making waaay too big a deal out of Damon’s return…he did some great things here, but we were never as much into him as he thinks we were…besides, we got the best years of his career. And I‘d rather have Coco anyway; Damon‘s on his last legs…BTW, that was hilarious the way Mirabelli came in with the police escort like he was Springsteen or something…it’s nice to see him back, Bard was starting to develop an eye twitch…another night of chasing down knucklers and you would’ve had to start giving him Klonopin LOL…”
May 11
“Taking 2-of-3, in NY, even though Schilling got shelled? I’ll take it. Plus, watching the Unit getting booed mercilessly and ARod having a complete nervous breakdown in the field? LMFAO…The Yankees are on the verge of total collapse”
May 27
“Ouch. Tough break for Wells…I feel bad for the guy. Not that he’s the kind of guy you love…I’ve got to admit he’s a big, obnoxious doofus… like Pam’s fiancee on “The Office”… but I was rooting for him…he’d worked hard on his rehab and had a chance to help us…but this is probably the end of the line for him : ( : ( : (“
June 11
“WTF! Another walkoff by Papi!!! MVP! MVP! This is the kind of win that, when you win the championship, you look back and say ‘THAT was the game that sparked us.’ This’ll start a winning streak, I guarantee it.”
June 16
“Sorry about the losing streak…IFB about it, like I jinxed you or something. I bet you’ll do better against the NL…LOL”
June 29
“What did I tell you? What’s it now? 12 straight wins? And the lead is up to 4 games over NY…The young pitchers look awesome. Papelbon is THE story of the year in baseball. Who needed Clemens anyway? You guys are running away with the division…I give it a month before the Yankees start firing people…Good times.”
July 10
“Tough to lose a 19-inning game anytime, but right after getting swept by Tampa, and the night before the All Star break, sux. Especially when Papelbon blows the save…But if I told you before the season that you’d be in first place at the break, you’d take it, right? I wouldn’t worry about the Yankees closing the gap. Nice to see Loretta starting the All Star game…he’s playing great. Get some rest and hopefully you’ll start another winning streak after the break.”
July 14
“Starting the 2nd half losing 3-of-4 to Oakland sucks. BTW, what’s up with Loretta?”
Aug 1
“Good decision not to pull the trigger on any trades IMO…The price of poker on pitchers was too high. You’re better off hanging onto the young guys. Don’t worry about falling into 2nd place…I don’t think the Yankees helped themselves that much. We’ve still got the pitching.”
Aug 17
“It funny how everybody says this Yankee series is going to be HUGE…every time you guys play them, it ends up being a split. The only way this series makes a difference is if one of you wins 4-of-5 (or sweeps LOL, like that’ll ever happen). So you’ll either end up a ½ game or 2 ½ games back…which means this thing will go right to the last game of the season…God, I love the smell of pennant race in the morning!!! Good luck!!!”
Aug 22
“WTF?…I mean seriously, WTF?…Do you remember the deal we made a few years ago? I wouldn’t talk like one of those ‘EEI nitwits or those media hyenas…getting all hysterical about curses and chokes and exorcisms and Babe Ruth’s piano and all that nonsense, and you wouldn’t soil yourself against the Yankees every Sept. and make superheroes out of mediocrities like Robinson Cano and Melke Cabrera. So what the hell happened? I’ve held up my end of the bargain…I always hated that negative fan crap…so what about you?
“This was horrible…unforgivable. Remember that story I told you about ‘78? When my older brothers had tix to every one of the ‘Boston Massacre’ games? And they guy in front of them brought a TV and the game got so bad that by the 3rd inning everyone in their section was watching ‘Happy Days‘? Well this was worse. This was you at your worst, making a laughing stock out of yourself and making me look ridiculous for being faithful to you.
“I thought you were past this dysfunctional BS. Since 2004 I was convinced you’d cleaned up your act for good, but in four days you went right back to the same old act. It’s over. We’re finished. Don’t call me. Don’t write or text me. I don’t want you wasting your time trying to win me back with free agent signings or mix tapes or blockbuster trades. I’m over you.
“I can’t take this anymore and I want to make a clean break…The Patriots are starting up soon…I’ve always had a good relationship with them…I respect them and I intend to spend the fall with them. Also, I’ve got plans to go out and visit Notre Dame in Nov. This is hard, but I wanted you to hear it from me. This is an exciting time in my life and I’m ready to move on. At least I can count on them to give max. effort…not come up with a lameass, gutless, heartless, ball-less gag-job when it matters most. Good luck to you.”
Sept 3
“Hey. I heard about Lester…that’s awful news. The doctors say he’s got an excellent chance of recovery, but still…I just wanted you to know I’m thinking of him. I saw Big Papi’s press conference yesterday…glad he’s OK. You know that part where he said his heart problems came from stress because he hates losing so much? That was…great…I was glad to hear that…That’s what I love about the guy…He’s really something special isn’t he? Yeah. Sorry this turned out to be such a tough year. You…wanna get together