Stool Samples

For the month of June, this column, predicated on the absurdity of the sports media, took a break from its easiest and most enjoyable target.  While we didn’t document any of ESPN’s
shenanigans in print form, we did keep tabs to make sure we didn’t miss anything historically stupid.  

Before we give a brief recap of ESPN happenings for the month of June, let us first reflect back on a month where we all learned some new things about the crappy sports media (because learning is fun).

- We learned that msnbc.com’s Michael Ventre and Mike Celizic are in the upper echelon of crappy online sports columnists, and will likely be a mainstay here at the Media Circus for years to come.  

- Matthew Rehm, of cbssportsline.com’s SPIN section, also made his impact felt at the Circus with his early June column that criticized Frank Robinson for crying because there are “other important things going on in the world”.  While we don’t foresee Rehm carrying the Media Circus load any time soon, don’t be surprised to see a few spot starts or pinch hitting appearances from time to time, as Rehm’s knack for intertwining political and societal issues into his “sports column” seem to be the norm.

- Jacob Luft of si.com enjoys throwing out baseball anecdotes without checking to see if they’re true.  He could be a reliable contributor to the crap section throughout the course of the baseball season.

- Rob Dibble is well, Rob Dibble (read: baseball’s supreme meathead).

So, despite how it may seem in this column from time to time, it turns out that Bristol, CT isn’t the only place in America that produces silly, overdone, moronic or just plain false sports media.  There are plenty of other sources for sports media garbage.

All that being said, we’re glad we can rip on ESPN again. They deserve it.  

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
“Reviling old heroes is what makes the game (baseball) fun” - Mike Celizic, msnbc.com on why Pedro Martinez should be booed in Boston.

We’re as negative as the next column, and even we have a brighter outlook than that.
___

“They’ve got to boo him like no one not named Roger Clemens has ever been booed in Boston’s little jewel of a ballpark.” – Mike Celizic, msnbc.com

Is anyone else stunned that this sentence came from someone who is supposed to be a professional writer?
___

“That might have been a case of Izzy allowing the guy on base to get the matchup he wants.” – Al Hrabosky, Foxsports Midwest, on a Jason Isringhausen walk to load the bases

Another beautiful example of the Cards lead TV color analyst doing anything to endorse the Cards closer.  And yes, we realize that 99% of the stool readers are Boston bred and fed, but we just want to give you a taste of crappy Cardinal announcing.  Surely you can’t have anyone worse than Hungo. 
___

“I love Tyrus Thomas… all you have to do is look at the last ten minutes of the Duke game.”  - Dick Vitale, explaining why Thomas would be his number one draft pick

Something tells us that if Johnny 5 from Short Circuit played a good game vs. Duke, Vitale would choose it number one overall.
___

“Michael Jordan loves Rudy Gay” – Stephen A Smith

HA… he just said MJ loves a gay guy… HA.
___

“Gay has been wowing teams in workouts, which suggests he's left his passive nature in college.” – Tony Mejia, sportsline.com on Rudy Gay

Yes Tony, teams would be wise to assume that his two  full seasons of being maddeningly passive should probably be wiped out by a few pre-draft workouts.  It’s not like he has any extra incentive to motivate him in those.  
___

“Lorenzo Neal is one of the best blocking fullbacks in the National Football League.” – Mark Schlereth, ESPN

The Big Savvy Mark Schlereth proved to show no rust throwing out 1 ‘__ is the best/most/worst ___ in the National Football Leauge’ quote in just four minutes of the NFL Ultimate Depth Chart that Media Circus staffers viewed the past week.
___

“He is this year’s MVP.” – Sean Salisbury on Larry Johnson

Salisbury has already selected this year’s MVP and we’re not even into the preseason.  That’s impressive.  And for the record, experts predict his MVP list will grow to 876 by season’s end.
___

“I think it’ll be Chicago or Detroit, but you can’t count out the Yankees, Red Sox, and Blue Jays.” – Joe Morgan, on who will represent the AL in the World Series

And don’t forget the Twins, Indians, Angels, Rangers, A’s, Mariners, Orioles, Royals, and Devil Rays, Joe.
___

The Media Rant - While ESPN Was Away
As we mentioned above, even though there was ample media slop that we were subjected to in June without ESPN, we have to admit that we kept one eye on our old favorite for most of the time.  At the risk of rendering our month long boycott of the Worldwide Leader moot, there were a few notable items that caught out attention that warrant a brief mention.  Here’s what we missed…

- Attempting to create the ‘next’ poker craze, ESPN debuted four-person domino games last month.  The programs have 11 cameras, with four embedded in the domino tables.  Bristol is also planning to televise competitive darts.  We’re guessing that shuffleboard and golden tee are right around the corner.  

- Tino Martinez will soon retire from Baseball Tonight to join the University of South Florida coaching staff as a volunteer assistant. The move likely means more air time for Harold Reynolds and more midnight pancakes for John Kruk at the employee cafeteria.

- Mobile ESPN is doing horrible in sales.  As of two weeks ago, the phone had been sold to less than 10,000 people… in the world.  Apparently having “exclusive NBA draft analysis from Steve Lavin” on the phone, wasn’t enough to make more people subscribe.

- The NFL Network is continuing to become a prime competitor of ESPN, after it was announced the station will have a 90 minute highlight show, NFL Gameday, late night every Sunday during the season.  This goes along with NFL Network’s Super Bowl XL pregame show, and it’s live draft coverage that countered ESPN’s this past April.

As a way to combat the new show (which used to be the name of ESPN’s highlight show before the NFL took the rights to it), ESPN plans to have Chris Berman and Tom Jackson host the 90 minute SportsCenter every Sunday.  Good God, the Top Ten Plays segment will probably eclipse the 50 mark at some point.

-Gene Wojciechowski wrote a 1,250 word column pretending to interview Barbaro over a month after the Preakness.  Very topical, Gene. 

-The Big Savvy (Schlereth), Senor Angry (Salisbury) and Mike Golic joined Trey Wingo to preview basically the entire NFL season, ranking the team’s “depth” and predicting the playoffs.  Unintentional comedy and New England Patriots man-love ensued.

Good to see that nothing changed while we weren’t watching.  
 
Rob Dibble Speaks
When Best Damn Sports Show cast member Rob Dibble lays out his thoughts on baseball in his “Hardball” blog on foxsports.com, the sports world would be wise to listen.  This is, after all, the guy who told everyone to stop “hating” on Barry Bonds and called the allegations of steroid abuse in baseball “nonsense”. He is not to be ignored.

Two weeks ago, Dibs posted for the first time in nearly a month and we were there to document his musings. The topic: the future of baseball.

Dibble took a detailed look at what young players might have the ability to carry this league when aging stars such as Bonds, Randy Johnson and Ken Griffey Jr. retire. And the names he’s dug up with what no doubt was exhaustive research are: Joe Mauer, Ryan Howard and David Wright amongst a few others.

You have to give credit to Dibble. Not many paid sports analysts will put themselves out on a ledge like he does here. Selecting the American League leader in batting average, a player whose top three in homeruns and RBI in the National League and arguably the most popular player in New York these days as three of his “future stars” took some stones.

I hope we don’t steal any thunder from Dibs (as he says at the end of the column that he’s got more names coming), but we think this Albert Pujols kid might be something too.

Hardball indeed.