Stool Samples
Actual Crap That Came From People's Mouths
More than any other time of year, summer represents a feeling and celebration of patriotism. For sport enthusiasts, there are additional forms of entertainment that put
national pride on display, aside from the usual holiday festivities.
This year, in addition to the national pastime, we have the World Cup as well as the July 4th phenomenon known as Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island. If that wasn’t enough to put your heart behind your country, then the goons at CBS want to ensure that “one game does indeed change everything.”
And that game is…. poker.
That’s right, the Intercontinental Poker Championship debuted 9 days ago on CBS pitting 21 poker players, each representing their native country, against each other. Now, it’s easy for us (people who would rather watch old episodes of Roseanne than poker on television) to mock the idea, but we wouldn’t want to do that for fear that some of the poker stars might come after us. People like Dan Negreanu, who represented Canada, take this thing a little serious, "There's added pressure if you're trying to win for your country. It's Olympics-like, World Cup-like.”
While we’re not expecting English hooligans to riot if their countryman folds early, we don’t doubt that each player will strive to win (because money is good). And even if you’re not a fan of poker, and think the idea of putting native flags behind each player is stupid, there’s at least one great reason to watch: this man...
It’s the star of the 70s TV show Welcome Back, Kotter, and five time captain of the ABC team on the Battle of the Network Stars, Gabe Kaplan. Kaplan has been tapped as the color analyst for the event on CBS. If you’re wondering why the network chose Kaplan instead of Henry Winkler, it’s because Kaplan is actually a major player for the World Series of Poker Tour. After his show went of the air in 1979, he joined the tour and still plays periodically today. He even won $250,000 at the 2004 WPT no limit Texas hold ‘em event and can claim career poker earnings of over $600,000.
If cheering on Doyle Brunson, your American poker representative, isn’t enough to make you watch, then Gabe Kaplan surely is - because nothing screams America more than a thick mustache and mini-fro.
(The JoeSportsFan staff would like to apologize to our readers in Ghana, Papa New Guinea, and the rest of the world for focusing this portion of the column directly on the United States.)
Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
“That wasn’t even a hard shot – except for the circumstances.” – Johnny Miller, on Jim Furyk’s missed par putt on the 18th hole of the US Open.
Johnny Miller also believes that free throws that take place with under two seconds to go in the NBA Finals are a piece of cake.
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“You’d rather have that (giving up a home run) than a walk.” – Al Hrabosky, Foxsports Midwest after Jason Isringhausen gave up a ninth inning home run.
There are no words to properly put the stupidity of that comment in to context.
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“And, unless you’re a Boston fan who can carry a grudge until the Rocky Mountains wear down to nubs, you’ll not only be watching when (Roger Clemens) makes his 2006 debut, you’ll also be cheering for him.” – Mike Celizic, msnbc.com
For the record, we won’t be cheering for him.
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"This is the hitters' time of the year right now. It's hot. The wind is blowing out. The ball is flying out of here." – Dusty Baker, after the Cubs 12-3 loss nine days ago, in which they allowed 8 HR’s. (hat tip Rob A.)
Despite this being “the hitters’ time of year” at Wrigley, the Cubs are currently 29th overall in the Majors in HR’s in front of only the Royals and last in league in runs scored. Maybe Dusty needs to find a better way to exploit his apparent home field conditions.
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“In order to be successful in this series, the Miami Heat have to shoot at a high percentage.”– Hubie Brown
There’s a reason this man was an NBA coach.
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”Enough already; it's time we admit the NFL misses L.A. more than L.A. misses the NFL. The NFL spends thousands of hours working on a solution to the L.A. market, but nobody stepped forward for a privately-financed stadium.” Clark Judge, cbssportsline.com
Judge is on par with FSN’s baseball man, Ken Rosenthal… good level-headed analysis. In fact, we rarely find illogical or brash analysis from the any member of the football crew at cbssportsline.com.
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He (Stephen Jackson) will be this season's Larry Johnson. Here's an early prediction: Jackson will lead the league in rushing.” – Pete Prisco, cbssportsline
Well, so much for that last assessment.
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“(Troy) Vincent, as we know, is one of those savvy veterans”– John Czarnecki, foxsports.com
Of course we knew that. When a player is old and no longer as talented, he becomes ‘savvy’.
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”But someone will also get hurt climbing out of the shower.” – Mike Celizic, discussing why football players shouldn’t have to stop riding motorcycles
We’re going to go out on a limb and say that the percentage of people getting out of the shower who get injured is slightly less than the percentage of people who ride motorcycles without helmets.
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“With the lack of marquee names, it's hard to get really excited about most of these prospects (recently drafted MLB players), but if you must pick up some draftees for your fantasy team, here they are.” – James Quintong, Si.com
We’re all for fantasy sports, but for the love of God, rating a baseball draft in terms of its future value, when most of the players won’t even see the Major Leagues is where we draw the line.
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“(England Forward Peter) Crouch came in real hard there, a terrific piece of tackling.” – Dave O’Brien, ABC – England vs. Paraguay.
A great piece of quoting by the Joe Sportsfan crew.
The Media Rant - Haven’t We Seen This Before?
Immediately after Dwyane Wade’s performance in the Heat’s Game 5 victory over the Mavericks, msnbc.com’s Michael Ventre went to the old reliable columnist bread and butter – the MJ comparison.
Under normal circumstances, this column might peak our interest considering its complete lack of originality and laziness. But it was especially intriguing to the Stool Samples crew since Ventre pretty much wrote the exact same column about Kobe Bryant after the Lakers Game 4 victory over the Suns in the opening round of the playoffs where according to Ventre, “(Kobe) ushered in a brave new world, one in which adjustments to his game and perspective have finally brought him to the Michael Jordan promised land for real.”
Note the similarities…
Column Title:
Be Like Mike? Wade Doing Great Imitation
Kobe’s Performance Puts Him in Rare Air
On Kobe:
“The comparison has been made often before, yet this time it finally feels right.”
On Wade:
“What Wade did Sunday night may just be the most Jordanesque performance of the post-Jordan era.”
On Kobe:
“This isn’t the exact path Jordan traveled, but the important signposts are the same.”
On Wade:
“On the surface, there doesn’t seem to be much linking the serene Wade with the competitive tsunami that was Jordan — until the ball goes up.”
On Kobe:
“Previous comparisons aside, Bryant’s two clutch shots (are) pure Jordan.”
On Wade
“Wade did everything Jordan would have done except drive to the bucket with his tongue hanging out”
Michael seems to have the same format for each explanation as to why Kobe and Dwyane are MJ. However, just to make certain that he didn’t throw himself out there too far, Ventre offered the following as a little insurance policy.
“Granted, the Jordan comparison will not resonate quite so much if Miami loses this series. Above all else, Jordan wannabees have to win.”
So Wade is MJ – unless the Heat would have lost the series. Oh, and before we go, here’s an interesting take on the man whom Ventre declared the new MJ only 52 days ago:
“A chosen few have been anointed as the next Michael Jordan. But before Sunday night, none had really satisfied the requirements. Without Shaquille O’Neal, Kobe so far seems condemned to early exits.”
And Michael caps off this beautiful contradiction to something he wrote 7 weeks earlier by offering up a voice of a reason – at least for a second.
“Linking a great player of the past with a current aspirant to the throne is often silly.”
A wise statement from a man who has yet to heed his own advice.
Snappiness, Thy Name is Dot-Com Headlines
”A mighty wind: Hurricanes win Cup” – usatoday.com
“Hurricane season” – msnbc.com
“Hurricane Stanley” – msnbc.com
“Whale of a night: Hurricanes hoist Stanley Cup” – yahoosports.com
“Raising ‘Cane” – cbssportsline.com
Anyone get the feeling that the dot com headline writers were praying that Carolina would win the Stanley Cup? There’s just so many more snappy possibilities compared to an Oilers championship.
Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.
They swear this stuff is real
Email them, @ pgi@joesportsfan.com