Stool Samples

At some point during the summer, even the biggest of sports fans can get a little bored. With no football and the baseball season only a fraction of the way through its 162 games, things can get a little tiresome. That’s why every four years the World Cup is a beautiful change of pace.

This year’s tournament kicks off June 9th and you can catch all the action on ABC and ESPN (and lucky for some, every game is in HD). That said, it’s time to preview what we can expect from the World Cup media (teams announced as of two weeks ago).

Number One Team: Dave O’Brien and Marcelo Balboa O’Brien will hold play-by-play duties for ABC/ESPN’s number one duo. You may recognize him from baseball duties, as he has teamed with Joe Morgan, Buck Martinez, and Rick Sutcliffe in the past on ESPN. While we’re not sure what kind of soccer knowledge he possesses, we’re pretty sure he’ll get through it alright, considering he’s had to deal with Morgan and Sutcliffe.

His partner Marcelo Balboa is a former US national player.  More importantly, he looks like he’s a member of the Taliban with a mullet/greased look that would make Bin Laden jealous. Needless to say, we’re eagerly looking forward to games broadcast by these two.

Second Team: JP Dellacamera and John Harkes
Dellacamera has been around for a long time now, signifying a solid play-by-play career. JP is likely the only man on the team who can claim that he’s announced an 80’s MISL game between the Cleveland Force and the New York Arrows. He broke into the soccer business when names like Steve Zungul and Tatu ruled the Astroturf pitch. And if that’s not enough, his last name is Dellacamera and that’s kind of intriguing since you know, he’s on TV (boo us).

Much like the above-mentioned Balboa, Harkes is a former US national player with much of that time spent as team captain. On a more interesting note, he went over to England to extend his soccer career and inexplicably came back with a British accent. No word on whether he’s shaken it yet.

Studio Show Analysts: Eric Wynalda, Alexi Lalas, Julie Foudy
All three studio analysts are former players, with Foudy starring on the women’s World Cup team. Of course of these three, you might be surprised to hear that it was Wynalda who once did commercials for Pert Plus. We’re looking forward to checking out the fullness and body of his hair. Alexi Lalas qualifies as the “bad boy” of the studio cast, a title he achieved solely by having a wild red goatee in his playing days.

So to conclude, not only can we look forward to World Cup soccer this summer, but we get to watch a former player turned Taliban look-alike, a former American turned Brit (speaking of accent, of course), a former shampoo endorser and a guy who looks like Carrot Top.

And oh yeah, the studio guys are going to perform demonstrations on a mock soccer field so for those of you who have always wanted to see Alexi Lalas play soccer in a suit, your wish has been granted. No word if the mock field will be taken to the streets of Time Square.

We can only hope so.

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth

”It’s guaran-Sheed.” – usatoday.com
“Guaran-Sheed: Wallace guarantees Pistons will top Cavs.” – ESPN.com

Never underestimate the snappiness of the headline writers.
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“If you think it’s butter and it’s not, it’s Dwayne Wade.” – Stu Scott

We’re as confused as you.
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“Memo to all the baseball players who voted in the Sports Illustrated poll of players and said Derek Jeter is baseball's most overrated player: You've gotta be kidding.” – Peter King, SI.com

If we were to rank the people who are qualified to determine whether a baseball player is overrated, we’re going to put baseball players right at the top of the list. About 750,000 spots down on that list is Peter King, football writer for SI.com.

”The Cubs needed this.” – Darrin Jackson, FOX talking about Michael Barrett’s cheap shot on AJ Pierzynski

Shortly after this comment, the Cubs gave up a grand slam.  They needed it, indeed.
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“Maybe he’s just a second tier player who will be a star, and not a superstar.” – BJ Armstrong on LeBron James

Really don’t even know how to respond to that.
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“He’s proving he is truly baseball’s hardest hitter.” – Mike Lupica, explaining why John Papelbon is in front of Albert Pujols as the most impressive/important player through the first quarter of the season.

John’s having a great season and all, but Pujols is on pace to break the RBI record and come close to eclipsing the home run record.  He also plays nine innings every game and has just three less game winning RBI than Papelbon has saves.
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“I think part of it is the wind.” – Joe Morgan explaining the Mets bullpen woes

And it was that same wind that allowed Tom Glavine to go six strong innings and give up 2 runs hours earlier.
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“Barbaro adjusting to life as a rehab patient.” – Headline, foxsports.com

Hey guys… he’s a horse.
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“Of course, all of us are thinking about Kentucky Derby champ, Barbaro.” – Chris Berman
“I feel horrible for Barbaro. What a great horse.”  - Peter King

We love animals, but sending out heartfelt messages to a horse that is nearly comatose seems kind of ridiculous.  Regardless, Barbaro can rest easy knowing that two of the sports media’s ambassadors are thinking of him.
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Desperate for Ratings
As much as the NHL tries, it can’t seem to increase viewers during the playoffs.  Shockingly, attempting to put George Clooney and Jerry Bruckheimer in the front row hasn’t done enough to spike casual interest.  Complicating matters is the NHL’s playoff network, OLN, being available to 30 million less cable subscribers than channels such as ESPN and TNT etc.  In fact, only 47 % of Los Angeles residents can watch the Mighty Ducks as a result of OLN’s narrow-reaching satellite (although we’re sure less than 2% of LA residents notice).

Things are so bad at OLN that the network is now airing playoff commercials featuring a real life steel mill worker from Pennsylvania named Stanley Cup.  If that won’t make you plan your schedule around to watch Carolina and Buffalo, then nothing will.  And before we forget, it should be noted that OLN will be changing its name to VS. in September.

Whoever is in charge of creative and marketing at OLN deserves a cookie.  

Media Rant of the Week
Inspired by Chris Berman and Peter King, and perhaps by ESPN’s pre-race show, the Stool Samples Crew wanted to see the human side of Preakness winner Bernardini.

We were a little befuddled as to why ESPN would conduct a 5 hour preview show with no interviews or sound bites from the horses.  Surely someone could have mustered something, anything to hype the second leg of the Triple Crown.  After the race, most sports fans would assume the winner would get his chance to voice his emotions.  But to no avail, the horses, including Bernardini, remained silent.

Fortunately, the Media Circus was lucky enough to land a post-race interview with Bernardini on Sunday.  Read on and enjoy… 

The Media Circus: First off, congratulations on the improbable victory.

Bernardini: Thanks, but I never doubted myself. 
You all did.  Everybody wrote me off.  Everybody
disrespected me, but I never stopped respecting
myself.

TMC: Certainly Berni, you shocked the horse
racing world by defeating Barbaro.  Have you had
a chance to visit or speak with him since the
accident?

Bernardini: I haven’t seen him yet; I’ve been busy
with promotional spots for Disney.  But I did speak
with Barbaro.  Even though he’s in good spirits,  I
encouraged him pull the plug and end the misery.

TMC: You mean, speed up his death?

Bernardini: Absolutely.  The only reason you all want to keep him around is so that you can take his semen and insert into the females.  Barbaro’s offspring will fetch a lot of money… I’m not stupid.  I know how it works.

TMC: When you say “you”, are you implying the Media Circus?

Bernardini: No, I mean all of you – the humans.  There’s nothing the Bafferts of the world love more than a healthy dose of horse genitals.  It’s like we’re calves that will eventually turn into veal.  We’re replaceable and interchangeable.  So I told Barbaro to pull the plug.

TMC: And you don’t think people will suspect you’re just trying to get rid of a viable competitor?

Bernardini: I’m not concerned with what people think.  I’m concerned with winning championships and taking it one race at a time.

TMC: Let’s switch gears a bit.  Growing up as a colt, was there any one horse you kind of idolized or aspired to be?

Berni: Obviously every horse has reverence for Secretariat or Affirmed, but the horses I looked up to the most were John Elway and Shannon Sharpe.

TMC: Elway and Sharpe?

Berni: Yeah; they did some amazing things on the field, things other horses couldn’t do.  They possessed speed, grace, toughness, and agility… all the things a horse aspires to be.  It’s a wonder they didn’t win more titles.  Nancy Kerrigan had a productive career too.

TMC: Interesting.  Before we wrap it up, we want to know: what’s next for Bernardini?  It’s not for certain whether you’ll race at Belmont, any ideas what the future holds?

Berni: Nothing is set in stone right now.  I’d like to race at Belmont and then take some time off.  Maybe take my jockey’s back to the Chocolate Factory or the North Pole.  But we’ll see what unfolds and race with the punches. 

TMC: Well we appreciate your time and best of luck in the future.

Berni: Thanks.  This was a lot less stressful than the Budweiser Hot Seat.