Stool Samples

We were wondering when it would happen and thankfully, it already has. Someone out there is keeping statistics (more or less) to determine the value of media members.  The Davie-Brown Index is made up of a 1.5 million member panel that evaluates TV celebrities’ “awareness, relevance, and appeal” to a brands image and their influence on consumer buying habits. Translated to English, it basically measures how people feel about individual media members.

In the sports category, FOX’s Terry Bradshaw topped the list as the highest ranking media member (people apparently love skulleted analysts) followed by John Madden, Mike Ditka, Bryant Gumbel, and Troy Aikman. Yes, for some reason people think Mike Ditka offers up good analysis – at least with Madden, he’s got a video game and his own bus to block out the confusing analysis. Along with the questionable top five, the survey found that just 5% of Americans know of TNT’s Ernie Johnson – which is too bad because he’s one of the better studio hosts in sports today.

Thankfully, John Saunders ranks as the “most likeable” sports personality while Marv Albert ranks as the “least trustworthy” personality proving that the people on this panel do have a sense of reality (we don’t trust basketball announcers who get kinky in panties, either.)

And for those of you who have ever sat at home and thought to yourself, “You know, if I could be anybody, I’d want to be Michelle Tafoya,” you now have validation. The DBI ranked Tafoya as the best “Trendsetter” and placed her number one in the category for media member that consumers “aspire to be”.

We’re serious about that.

If the Stool Samples crew had a survey similar to DBI, we’d definitely rank former Sunday Night Football play-by-play man Mike Patrick as announcer that we aspire to be. Not because we like him that much, but just because it would have given us a chance to throw Joe Theismann and Paul MaGuire over the ledge during the last Sunday night telecast.

Oh well.

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth

“They’re (Phillies) playing good baseball. That’s why they’re winning.” – Joe Morgan

Morgan unveiled this comment as part of his new earth-shattering theory titled, “Good teams win, bad teams lose.”
___

“He is a full grown man.” - Mark Schlereth on Mario Williams

It’s just kind of weird, that comment.

___

”They (Pistons) were outstanding from beginning to start.” – Marc Jackson

Someone needs to tell Jackson this isn’t a very long period of time.

___

"We celebrate new records; that's what we do. We're being consistent (and) there's nothing to read into that." – Bud Selig on MLB not celebrating Bonds’ passing of Babe Ruth

There’d be nothing wrong with this comment had not been for the last part.  Saying ‘there’s nothing to read into that’ with no provocation is kind of like breaking a window as a kid and then saying “I didn’t do it,” to your mom the first second you see here.
____

”I’ve looked at every throw of his college career.” – Ron Jaworski on Jay Cutler

And something tells us he was in an orgasmic trance the entire time.
____

"(Jay Cutler) the most exciting quarterback in the NFL.  He will prove why I have built him up.  He is the next Brett Favre!" - Skip Bayless

It’s always impressive when you’ve achieved the status of “Most exciting quarterback in the NFL” without ever playing a game.  Man, this Cutler guy is something else. 
____

The Media Rant – The Football Player Analysis
In the world of pro football analysis, there exists an entirely different language.  Whether it is Ron Jaworski confusing the hell out of everyone with his 10-minute breakdown of an incomplete pass or a heavy dosage of Schlereth-ese, the idea of football talking heads making no sense has been well documented, especially in this column. 

But no matter how proficient a commentator gets in the art of speaking without saying anything, they still have an old trustworthy friend that they can fall back on should things get a little out of control on the set.  That old friend is known as The “Football Player” Analysis. 

The NFL Draft, with its 12 hours of non-stop reviewing of teams and players, is a haven for this type of auto-defense mechanism. 

If someone poses the question – what makes Player X great? – and, after accessing all of their standard tricks and jargon, the analyst can’t come up with a reasonable answer, then it’s simple, Player X is great because he’s a “football player”.  Doesn’t say much, but it seems to do the trick. 

Witness Schlereth last year describing Tedy Bruschi:

“He’s a football player.  He wants to play football.”

or Darren Woodson on Terrell Owens:

"He wants to play football.  He's a football player.  He's always been a football player."

What does that mean?  Well, that’s the tricky part. 

Most of the time the ex-player-turned-studio-hosts will rely on intimidation to justify their description.  If you don’t understand what it means to describe someone as a “football player”, then it’s probably because you are a lazy, TV-obsessed slob who wasn’t talented or dedicated enough to play the sport and thus you will never be able to fully comprehend its meaning.  The gridiron simpletons at home are left to assume that being labeled as such equals some mixture of intangibles that the non-NFL population can’t even begin to wrap their minds around. 

ESPN’s Steve Young at least gave a half-hearted effort to try and explain to the viewers at home:

“Jay Cutler is the top quarterback because the fact that he is the best football player.  (49ers Coach) Mike Nolan just a minute ago came down and I talked to him and he said the same thing, Jay Cutler is a football player in the locker room. 

And what do I mean by that?  Football players know each other.  All the people, the GM’s and everybody can talk about how he can throw and what he can do.  Football player understand that he is a guy who can be tough and versatile and can make every throw on the field…More than any other player on the board, Jay Cutler is going to come in and be a football player and a great quarterback.”

So as you can see, Young doesn’t have any clue how to explain it either. 

One logical thinking person might assume that, if it truly is something that can’t be explained and is only understood in the locker room, then maybe we should do some more research and find other ways to express what makes this player special, since the goal is to communicate to the television audience. 

Not this crew.  They’ll chug along dropping their favorite buzzword whenever they have nothing legitimate to say and the people at home will be left to try and figure out what in the hell they are talking about – a ritual that is becoming one of football season’s most dependable traditions. 

Sean Salisbury is Angry at You – and Really, Really, Really Loves Brett Favre
(****NOTE: We swear he really said all these things, all in one segment****).
____

"If you've got a problem with Brett Favre, GET OVER IT!"

"Learn to like what he does because you don't get much more of him!"

"If you're selfish or bothered that he took this long (to decide), STOP IT!"

"There's a reason Green Bay went after Brett hard this off-season."

"And the comment (from Brett) about 'what are they gonna do, cut me?', for those of us who know Brett Favre's… the way he jokes and his attitude, Brett Favre is the ultimate
team player.  And when he speaks out sometimes, I think he only does it for the good of the team."

"You give me a leader, and I'll show you a winner.  You give me a coward, and I won't show you Brett Favre!"

"A couple years before that (last year's 29 INTs), he led the league in touchdown passes!"

"This is a guy who tries to force the ball too much.  His biggest strength is his biggest weakness.  A lot of that has to do with running backs, three guys getting hurt, him trying to make something happen, the receiver (Javon Walker) getting hurt." 

"He had to try and make everything happen and load a franchise up on his shoulders like he's done most of his career.  But the bottom line is sometimes the balls instead of going to his guys are now getting tipped (but) he made some awful decisions."

"If they do make the playoffs, we should throw a ticker tape parade for Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers!"
_____

Wow… we’d hate to see what a fired up Salisbury would do to a Brett Favre Fathead sticker. 

Stool Samples is written by Pat Imig and Josh Bacott.

They are the co-editors and main writers for Joesportsfan.com
They’re pretty sure Sean Salisbury is in love with Brett Favre.
Email them @ pgi@joesportsfan.com or jsf@joesportsfan.com