Stool Samples

Imagine being a Dodger fan during Game 1 of the 1988 World Series.  Your favorite team is the underdog, and as the script has forecast, they’re about to lose the first game of the World Series.  Your only hope lies on a prayer and miracle from a man who was in the locker room for eight innings with his legs smothered in ice buckets.

You suspend all disbelief for the hope that Kirk Gibson can hobble his way through an at bat and beat the most dominant closer of his era.  After he forces a 3-2 count and you nearly vomit in your own mouth from anxiety, Gibson does the unthinkable and belts a game winning home run off Dennis Eckersley.

It’s arguably the greatest single play in World Series history and as a fan of the game you know that you’ll see thousands of replays of it through the years, each one bringing back the goosebumps.  Nothing could take away from that moment…except perhaps watching it be described by some low level TV celeb like a Tony Danza or Adam Carolla. 

IN COLUMN UPDATE: Barry Bonds arrives at Safeco Field

Sounds kind of weird, doesn’t it – a historic sports moment being told through the eyes of a psuedo-celebrity?

Weird or not, it happens almost every day on your television screen thanks to the Sports List on FSN (hosted by the lovely Summer Sanders).

We have no problem with any show that ranks sports crap.  After all, we’ve spent hours researching the greatest jheri curls in MLB history; however, we’re not all that intrigued by a standard ranking of obvious lists like “The Greatest Running Backs Ever” and “Greatest Home Runs Ever”… it’s kind of anti-climactic.  We are intrigued, though, by what goes on off-camera amongst the show’s production crew.    

Chasing History: Felipe Alou: “Barry Bonds is a good hitter.”

Who is making the executive decisions to find B-list (and that’s being generous) celebrities who were obviously rejected from VH-1’s I Love the 80s to provide commentary on great sports moments?  Who was it that thought, “You know what?  We should get the guy from Happy Days to tell us what happened when Joe Carter ended the 1993 World Series with a homer.”

A rundown of some of the Sports List’s “analysts” include (in no particular order)

Tony Danza
Adam Carolla
Puddy from Seinfeld
Jason Seahorn
Mario Lopez (he did have that whole credible ESPN Hollywood thing going for him)
Eric Lutes (Caroline in the City co-star… although that’s a liberal use of the phrase)
Rachel from The Real World: San Francisco
Danny Most (Happy Days)
The Fonz
DL Hughley
John Caponera
Robert Wuhl
Joe Piscopo

If sports fans around the world were wondering what a crappy SNL cast member from the show’s worst era has to say about Barry Sanders, FSN has finally delivered. 

Nobody knows big time sports moments like Joe Piscopo.
   
Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth

“This team has so much savvy.” – Mark Schlereth giving his reason that the Patriots are still the team to beat in the AFC East
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”This is one of the most complete quarterbacks in the National Football League.” – Schlereth on Tom Brady

Good to see Schlereth worked hard to stay sharp during the off-season.  And since this was his first TV appearance of the “new” season, the Schlereth “____ is the most/best/worst in the National Football League” quote meter stands at 1.
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“This is not a missed opportunity.  This is a confidence booster.” – BJ Armstrong on the Lakers Game 1 loss

Nothing like a good old-fashioned playoff loss to boost your team’s confidence.
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Bartender: Give me something on ice! – on NHL playoff highlights
Bartender: Give me a Captain Morgan! – on a Morgan Ensberg homer
Bartender: Give me two shots of Jack! – on Manny Ramirez’s two homer game

Guess who said these comments?  We’ll give you a hint: his name rhymes with Steal Jeverett.
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”Do you get the feeling that this is a hitter’s park or pitcher’s park?” – Dan McLaughlin questioning Cards hitting coach Hal McRae on the New Busch Stadium

Nothing really alarming with this quote; it’s just that we’re willing to bet members of the Cards clubhouse are probably sick of that question.
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”Clemens is holding the Astros hostage. Either retire or don't retire so they can move on." – Rob Dibble, Fox Sports

For the love of everything pure and sacred, Rob Dibble is making sense.  Welcome to the club, Mr. Dibble.
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"The lack of V8 juice consumed in this league is appalling!" – Bill Walton on NBA players being out of shape

It should be noted that in his prime, Walton’s V8 juice consisted of some herbal tea spiced with copious amounts of marijuana brownies and a few Grateful Dead songs.
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”Comparing Vince Young with Aaron Rodgers is like putting Peyton Manning and Ryan Leaf in the same sentence.” – Skip Bayless

Actually Skip, it’s nothing like that at all.  In fact, putting Vince Young on the same level as Peyton Manning doesn’t make any sense because Young won a national championship and Peyton, well, you know.
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"Do they make a bust of what my head is now? Or take it back to like it was when I was coaching 30 years ago?" – John Madden on his Hall of Fame bust

Sources have confirmed to the Stool Samples crew that Madden is in fact still pondering this question.
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The Media Rant – The Baseball Tonight All Stars

With nothing particularly pressing to bitch and moan about today, we decided to play fantasy baseball owner and piece together a lineup consisting of nothing more than Baseball Tonight analysts.  Here’s what it would look like:

IN COLUMN UPDATE: Bonds hitting .287 career off Miguel Batista.

1.) Harold Reynolds – 2B – Leading off for this squad is one of the upper echelon of Media Circus performers and a former Major Leaguer to boot.  How it is that a player who was an All Star at the Major League level can be so consistently off base with his commentary is a mystery to those who watch him on a nightly basis.  Joe Morgan has tutored him well. 

2.) Buster Olney – SS – Buster is an ideal number two hitter for a number of reasons.  First, the man is intelligent and studies the game very well.  His knowledge is in the top three along with counterparts Gammons and Kurkjian.   Not olney that (cheers for our play on words!), he's very consistent, especially when fawning over the Yankees.  Finally, his name is Buster and that has to equate to lots of speed - an added bonus for a solid number two contact hitter.

3.) John Kruk – DH – At this point it’s a tough call to determine whether it would be harder to shoe horn Krukie into his nightly Baseball Tonight suit or a polyester baseball uniform.  Either way, two things we see our three hitter needing is a career .300 average and a killer mullet.

4.) Tino Martinez – 1B – Okay, so he wears eyeliner and is single handedly trying to revive the “butt cut” hair style, we take the good with the bad.  He still had some success at every stop in his career with the exception of his two years in St. Louis, where he challenged JD Drew for the title of “most frustrating player of the 2000’s”.  With speedsters like Reynolds and Kruk on base ahead of him, he’ll have ample opportunity to pop up with runners in scoring position.

5.) Chris Berman – C – Berman’s primary role on the team will be to annoy the piss out of all opposing batters by talking when they come to the plate.  Just the sound of his voice would be enough to throw off a hitter’s timing.

IN COLUMN UPDATE: Bonds 0 for 0 with 0 RBI.

6.) Orestes Destrade – 3B – Orestes got the call from the minors (ESPN Deportes) for this year and has been serviceable in his rookie season.   In his short stint in the Majors, Destrade had one serviceable year with the Marlins.  Baseball Tonight is looking to him as the prize of their farm system.

7.) Jayson Stark – LF – The obvious weak spot in the BT order is the outfield.  While Jayson Stark put together a valiant Jose Valentin-level mustache for a few years, his recurring column on espn.com called  “Useless Info” pretty much sums up his contribution to this team, useless.

8.) Karl Ravech – CF – Karl is an up an comer in the world of baseball anaylsis.  Sitting next to Kruk and Reynolds for years has greatly increased his production in the all important “dumb comments” stat line.  In centerfield he can be a defensive liability, and his outright refusal to wear a hat over his perfectly manicured hair has become a problem, but he’s a leader in the clubhouse. 

9.) Tim Kurkjian – RF – To borrow a line from Mark Schlereth, Kurkjian is the “savvy” veteran.  The fact that he weighs 90 lbs and can’t throw or hit limits his contribtuions on the field, but man can he lay down a sacrifice bunt.

Chasing History: Bonds prefers Ranch flavored sun flower seeds over barbecue flavored.

Starting Pitcher – Orel Hershiser – The man threw 59 consecutive shutout innings at one point, so we know he can pitch.  But can he make consistently confusing or incorrect statements over the top of baseball highlights?  That’s how we’ll know if we’ve got a star. 

Relief Pitcher – Jeff Brantley – Most of his work has been in the announcing booth this year.  We have to assume that it’s a creative way for the ESPN producers to avoid showing his watered down mullet on TV regularly.  Our bet is that even Berman could hit his 85 mph fastball.

Manager – Peter Gammons – If anyone can help salvage this random collection of irrational and inconsistent analysts, it’s Gammons. 

General Manager – Steve Phillips – Apparently ruining a major MLB franchise is now a valid criteria for holding your own mock press conferences and speaking on behalf of all Major League teams. 

All in all, that’s not bad lineup.  With Orel on th mound and that deadly 3-4-5 combo of Kruk-Tino-Berman, they’d have to at least be able to play with the Royals, wouldn’t they? 

The Best Analyst in Sports
Now that we’ve had our weekly fun with the Baseball Tonight crew, it’s time to start handing out pats on the back. 

If you ever find yourself watching Stephen A. Smith or Skip Bayless and wonder where you can find a smart, polished analyst who doesn’t feel the need to make himself the center of attention, you don’t even have to leave the network.

IN COLUMN UPDATE: Bonds takes first pitch for a strike

Randy Moss, the ESPN horse racing guru may not talk about a sport everyone follows, but he may just be the best analyst the Worldwide Leader employs.  Moss is a well respected, extremely knowledgable and yet entertaining host of ESPN’s weekly horse racing show, Wire to Wire, and also the lead analyst on the network coverage of the major stakes races throughout the year.  The guy simply knows his sport and presents information, highlights and opinions in a consistently smooth and commendable fashion.

If ESPN wants to use someone as a model for how to be a true professional on a live or studio broadcast, Moss would be a good place to start.  (Wire to Wire typical runs on Tuesday afternoons.)

Sean Salisbury is Angry at You
The NFL Draft Preview Specials on ESPN provide a perfect forum for the triumphant return of Senor Angry.  While most football analysts were enjoying their time off and studying the moves of the various teams throughout the offseason, Salisbury was practicing insulting the audience. 

IN COLUMN UPDATE: Media still obsessed with every Bonds movement

“I will tell you this, any fan out there or prognosticator or so-called Packer expert who thinks that Brett Favre is holding you hostage…you’re an idiot!”

That settles it – Favre is not holding the Packers hostage and as a result there are millions of idiots in the world -- all of whom will be bludgeoned by Sean.