Stool Samples
Actual Crap that Came From People's Mouths
Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s almost time for that once-a-year spectacle where the sports world stands still to celebrate the media. That’s right; the 2006 Sports Emmy nominations have been unveiled by the National Television Academy of Arts and Sciences and the winners will be announced on May 1st.
The Worldwide Leader in Sports is leading the pack in nominations with 26, followed by HBO (17) and FOX (16). The USA network and Outdoor Life Network trail ESPN by 25 with an impressive one nomination.
In typical fashion, the nominations seem to be nothing more than a popularity contest for the names with “star power”. Joe Morgan and Tim McCarver joined the category for Outstanding Sports Personality as “Sports Event Analyst” while Harold Reynolds was nominated for Outstanding Sports Personality as “Studio Analyst”. The Best Damn Sports Show Period was nominated for “Outstanding Daily Studio Show” proving that the people on the nominations committee either have never seen the Best Damn Sports Show Period or have no clue what the definition of “outstanding” is.
Unfortunately, the category for “Best Reporter wedged in an Athlete’s Sphincter” was scrapped at the last second. That means Pedro Gomez (Bonds), Peter King (Brady), and Joe Theismann (any quarterback, professional or otherwise) are leaving empty handed again this year. And somehow the category for “Best Writing” failed to include Stuart Scott’s poetry slam.
Drats.
Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
“The preseason doesn’t mean anything unless you get to the regular season and it meant something.” – Steve Phillips
In a simulated press conference, our readers found that quote to be really stupid.
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“Billups helps Pistons rally from 17 down, set Suns” – ESPN.com
Get it? He set the Suns. The dot com headline guys have been on fire the past three weeks.
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"Did you ever expect that to happen -- get dominated like that?" - Reporter to Glen Davis after losing to UCLA
“Yes; we thought we’d go in and get our butts kicked.” Um, sure. We present Exhibit 47 A as to why being a reporter would be a degrading process.
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“Within a yard…of a Super Bowl championship.” – Michael Wilbon describing Steve McNair’s impact on the Tennessee Titans franchise.
No current myth forces us into action quicker than when someone in the media claims that the Titans were a yard away from a Super Bowl championship. In reality, they were a yard away from being an extra point away from being tied in the Super Bowl.
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“I will come back, but only if the team is better."
"If we can't compete at a high level, I can walk away and my legacy will speak for itself." – Brett Favre
The Gunslinger leaving no doubt who he’s concerned with.
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“It’s not urban myth. It’s not urban legend. It’s fact.” – Rece Davis on Gator football coach Urban Meyer being in attendance for Florida’s basketball championship
I’m sure Urban Meyer has never heard those type of jokes before, Rece.
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“Bartender: give me a Fosters.” – Neil Everett on the Fosters Surf Contest highlight.
Anyone noticing a trend here? Seriously, Neil; this is getting to be troublesome.
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“They’re (Brewers) doing it with a combination of confidence.” – Jeff Brantley
We’re still waiting for Brantley to unveil the other half of this combination.
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“Do you like it hard?” – Karl Ravech on a Pedro Martinez bean ball
Um, no, we don’t.
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“Maybe his teammates won’t sit around and wait for him to get a hit.” – Jeff Brantley looking on the bright side that the Rollins hit streak ended
We’re pretty sure that Chase Utley, Pat Burrell and the rest of the Phillies weren’t waiting to contribute offensively because Jimmy Rollins would come through.
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“Pujols goes and gets the ball… (Derek)Lee reacts to the ball.” – Joe Morgan, discussing the differences between Albert Pujols and Derek Lee
We really have no rebuttal for that comment other than, “huh?”
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“The Mets are fighting the Yankees, the Braves, and futility.” – Mike Lupica, discussing the difficulties the Mets have compared to other teams
Newsflash: the Mets have it tougher than anyone else because they have to face the Yankees. Right. Never mind that they have the fifth highest pay roll in baseball.
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“The Sixers playing basketball the way you’re supposed to play it.” – BJ Armstrong
Right, because if they were shooting in their opponents’ basket, they would be playing the wrong way.
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“(There’s) A.I. making an A.I. play.” – BJ Armstrong on Allen Iverson
It appears the Stool Samples crew has uncovered a blossoming star in the ranks of NBA media.
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”They understand how to get there (the playoffs). They understand how to win.” – Paul Silas, on the Wizards
Silas followed up the comment by saying that BJ Armstrong is his favorite NBA analyst.
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”There’s a sideshow feel to Barry Bonds.” – Pedro Gomez
And you and your employer’s reality show are two of the main reasons.
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“Despite the fact that he has never tested positive for steroids, Barry Bonds has been the focal point of the steroids investigation.” – Stu Scott
Maybe it’s because his head is huge and his body is completely different from the one that debuted in 1986.
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”For whatever reason, the ball isn’t going that extra 20 to 30 feet.” – Pedro Gomez on Barry Bonds having zero home runs
We can think of one reason and it rhymes with freroids, or lack thereof.
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”They execute offensively.” – Marc Jackson, on why the Bulls could advance in the playoffs
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Let the record show that if you become a studio sports analyst and don’t have any clue how to answer a question, go with the standard “they execute”
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”Kobe is going out to murder people.” – Sebastian Telfair
Great, now he’s killing people.
Media Rant of the Week – Meet the Baseball Tonight Stars
With the return of the baseball season, which kicked off this Sunday, we can formally welcome back into the fold some of Stool Samples’ most dynamic and consistent performers – the cast of ESPN’s Baseball Tonight.
Much like the network’s landmark NFL Live lineup, the list of contributors to Baseball Tonight is overflowing with former players and analysts who battle for the lead in stupid statements. Harold Reynolds, John Kruk, Larry Bowa, Jeff Brantley (as seen above), Tino Martinez and Steve Phillips (as seen above) rotate spots next to regular host Karl Ravech on the nightly show that recaps the day’s baseball action. Peter Gammons also sits in on a few shows and presumably reduces his IQ by a few points with each visit.
Even despite the frequent Stool-worthy comments that are thrown out each night by the cast of characters, Baseball Tonight manages to hold onto its status as an oasis in the desert that is ESPN’s original programming lineup. Perhaps it’s the occasional appearance by substance-over-style baseball men like Peter Gammons and Tim Kurkjian, or the simple fact that because so much of the show is dedicated to highlights there is only limited opportunity for idiotic commentary. Whatever the reason is, Baseball Tonight has the rare ability to withstand the comical analysis and still maintain respectability.
All that being said, it’s still makes for good fun to mock some of the classic stuff that Kruk, Reynolds and the gang come up with. It’s becoming as much a part of baseball season as JD Drew’s trips to the disabled list or David Wells’ making an ass out of himself. Witness these drops of insight from the opening weekend of the show…
“And with Roger Clemens out indefinitely, the door is open in the NL for a different Cy Young winner.” – Karl Ravech
“Defense in close games doesn’t hurt you, it hurts you in a boring game when you’re getting beat 10-2.” – Harold Reynolds
Nothing gets us ready for summer more than a good old fashion assumption that Roger Clemens has first dibs on the Cy Young award and Harold Reynolds convincing the audience that crappy defense only hurts teams in blowouts.
Baseball is most certainly back.
Sean Salisbury is Angry at You
Just a heads up to all you Salisbury fans out there (all seven of you), the one and only Senor Angry landed a Hollywood cameo in the film The Benchwarmers, which debuted two weeks ago. Based on the previews, it appears that Sean is playing the role of a bully who picks on the non-athletic nerds in the film.
That leads us to two conclusions: first, we weren’t the only ones in America who recognized Salisbury’s anger and cockiness as brilliant entertainment. Second, we don’t think it’s the least bit coincidental that Salisbury is playing a Hollywood role in a film entitled The Benchwarmers.
Someone in Hollywood is pulling a fast one on Sean. And if you think otherwise, you are sorely mistaken!