Stool Samples

With the NCAA tournament in full swing, it’s time to devote this edition of Stool Samples to March Madness (and a couple of other stupid quotes too). If you hear any crap that can be deemed worth as a stool sample, by all means send it to us at pgi@joesportsfan.com.

Just make sure it doesn’t involve Chevy, State Farm, or Applebee’s.

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth (aka Jay Bilas’ house)

“(Winthrop’s Terrell Martin is) an NBA athlete. Not necessarily an NBA player, but an NBA athlete.” – Jay Bilas

So, would someone like Robert Traylor be considered an NBA player, but not an NBA athlete? We’re lost.
___

“You also have to watch out for Wichita State and Seton Hall. If Seton Hall were to beat Wichita State, that would be a seed upset." - Jay Bilas

That was the latest lesson in Jay Bilas’ class entitled “7 is a lower number than 10”.
___

"Minneapolis is the nightmare region of this year's NCAA Tournament…Villanova goes into the tournament with some uncertainty…Nevada (is) a very dangerous team…and Boston College (is) a real threat to reach the Final Four because they're an angry team…down at the bottom of the bracket, teams like Oklahoma, Ohio State, and Florida (are) more than capable of reaching the Final Four…but you've got to watch out for the upset minded teams: teams like Wisconsin Milwaukee (and) Northern Iowa – a Giant Killer…and I'll give you a sleeper, Georgetown a sleeper to reach the Elite Eight and possibly the Final Four." – Jay Bilas during one segment on the Sunday Sportscenter

For those keeping score, in the Minneapolis region you should keep an eye on the following teams – Villanova, Nevada, Boston College, Oklahoma, Ohio State, Florida, Wisconsin-Milwaukee, Northern Iowa and Georgetown. In other words, pretty much everyone.
___

“(Arkansas Forward) Ronnie Brewer is a game player. He’s a guy that makes plays.” – Dick Vitale

Apparently Mark Schlereth is holding seminars in Bristol.
___

“He looks in great shape.” – Orel Hershiser on Domincan Republic starter Bartolo Colon

Okay, that has nothing to do with the Tournament, but anytime an announcer says that 300 lb Bartolo Colon “looks in great shape” it’s going in the Circus, guaranteed.

“I don’t think that the players in this game, are ever going to play in a bigger game than Duke – North Carolina. There may be games with more on the line, such as the Final 4 or the National Championship…you are judged as a player by how you play in this rivalry.” – Jay Bilas

So, basically if JJ Redick and the Blue Devils win the National Championship this season, it will only serve as a cruel reminder that they failed in the “biggest” game of the year – their early March conference game versus North Carolina.
___

“Throw out the RPI, that doesn’t mean anything to me. Look at the RPI Top 50 wins.” – Jay Bilas, comparing the tournament resumes of Bradley and Seton Hall

Let us try to get this straight, the RPI means nothing, but the record versus the teams who have high RPI’s is extremely important. Makes perfect sense.
___

“Bill Self has done an outstanding job with those kids at Kansas. They got blown out by Missouri, they recovered, their defense stepped up, they win 10 straight before they lose to Texas.” – Digger Phelps

Actually Digger, they lost to Missouri by 3 points in overtime. Just keeping you honest.
___

“When she spit in my face, I would have took that bitch out. The only reason I didn’t is because I feared that if I did (Flavor Flav) wouldn’t have gave me my clock.” – New York describing her fight with Pumpkin on Flavor of Love.

Ladies and gentlemen, we present Exhibit A as to why VH1’s CelebReality brand of TV is some of the strangest, yet most riveting programming on television.
___

“He’s a fan of mine, so I’m a fan of his.” – Jay Cutler on Mike Mayock of the NFL Network

Mayock can rest easy knowing he has at least one fan in this year’s draft class.
___

"I'm not going to try to convince him (Shaq). It's going to be hard to convince him anyway.” – Dwyane Wade on Shaq joining the 2008 Olympic team.

Come on, Dwyane; it kind of sounds like you’re calling Shaq lazy.
_____

"I'm just trying to pick it up a little bit and in the next 20 games really pick it up and have a different sense of urgency before we go into the playoffs." – Shaq

Okay, so maybe Dwyane was on to something by implying that Shaq is lazy.
_____

Fun with dot-com headlines

“Heavy Pryce: Broncos cut loose three starters”
“Chief concern: OG Shields could be cap casualty” – ESPN.com

The Collective Bargaining Agreement caused ESPN headline writers to salivate.
____

“Clayton: Great performances highlight strong combine” – ESPN.com

Clayton: Green lights are better than red.
____

"Culpepper lawyer alleges racism in boat prosecution" –AP story-page headline

Nice to see that Scoop Jackson has a legal background.
_____

"In the Pits: What to do about 'Buschwackers'?" – Foxsports.com

Just make sure you don’t overestimate them. They’ll steal a win just like at WrestleMania V, when they defeated an over-confident Rogeau Brother team.

Varying Degress of Hell
What is worse for ESPN’s Mike Patrick? Was it broadcasting football with Paul MaGuire and Joe Theismann? Or is it broadcasting basketball with Dick Vitale?

Media Rant of the Week – Meet the CBS Basketball Announcers
Now that one of the most entertaining sporting events of the year is in full swing, it’s time took look deep into the booth to get an idea of what else we can expect from the CBS college basketball department.

Number One Team: Jim Nantz and Billy Packer
First, let’s look at play-by-play man Jim Nantz. Whether he’s calling NFL, NCAA or PGA events, you always get the feeling that he was Valedictorian at the School of Snappy Lines. Nantz is never afraid to flawlessly tie in CBS programming with tournament play in a snappy manner and last year’s title game was no exception. Quoth Nantz during the Tar Heel/Illini final after Raymond Felton nailed a free throw late in the second half, “It’s getting late and everybody loves Raymond!”

Want more snap? Um, sure; how about when the Tar Heels captured the championship and Jimmy offered up this creative anecdote about the UNC tournament run and the play of Sean May, “It started in March. It ended in April. And it belongs to May!”

You just can’t teach that stuff. Nantz’s counterpart is arguably more annoying than an excited Dick Vitale. The color man who “calls what he sees on the floor” manages to sneak his way into controversy and annoy lots of level-headed basketball fans in the process. Last year, Billy Packer and Kentucky’s Patrick Sparks had their own little scuffle. Unfortunately for us, Sparks never took it to the parking lot as Packer is still the “number one” color analyst for CBS.

What it means: Expect lots of corporate tie-ins with some snap from Nantz and a lot of head scratching whenever his colleague talks.

Number Two Team: Dick Enberg and Jay Bilas
This duo does a commendable job of bringing the action to the viewer. Make no mistake about it, Enberg doesn’t follow the action as quickly as you’d like (or as quickly as he used to), but we can only assume that is a byproduct of his age. His partner Mr. Bilas, as seen above has a tendency to get a little goofy in his analysis, but when given the duties of color man for a broadcast, he does a solid job. And we may be the only ones who think this, but when Bilas is shown on TV, we immediately think he should be reading the scripture at church on Sunday.

What it means: We’d rather have this tandem broadcast the championship game than Nantz and Packer (because listening to Packer is a tedious chore). We’d also like to see Bilas read a passage from the Old Testament during halftime for humor purposes.

Number Three Team: Verne Lundquist and Bill Raftery
Much like the above mentioned Enberg, there are no complaints from our end about Verne Lundquist. He’s somebody that you feel comfortable listening to and is believable (call it credibility, we guess). Plus, he performed a brilliant cameo in Happy Gilmore and that always scores bonus points with us. His colleague Bill Raftery is without question the most entertaining college basketball analyst working for CBS…that is, of course, if your definition of “entertaining” is something along the lines of “Is that guy talking on TV completely bombed right now?”

Raftery will throw out loud catchphrases at the simplest of lay ups, “Send it in!” and “THE KISS”. It’s almost as if he has the hiccups only each hiccup is replaced with a loud phrase that is hard to comprehend. Is it enthusiasm or just plain annoying? That’s for you to decide.

What it means: A Vern and Bill broadcast will be entertaining for the simple point that once you get intoxicated in your living room, you will be on the same level as Bill Raftery.

Number Four Team: Gus Johnson and Len Elmore
We really don’t have analysis of Johnson and Elmore because, quite honestly, while he’s not bad on the mic Gus Johnson scares the living hell out of us. Whoever Johnson’s make up artist is really needs a swift and severe beating. Johnson’s make up job is so distractingly awful that he puts former WWF manager Paul Bearer to shame.

What it means: Gus Johnson has freaky eye brows and wears loads of makeup. (We apologize to all you Len Elmore fans out there.)

Number Five Team: Kevin Harlan and Dan Bonner
If you prefer excitement on the play-by-play end, Kevin Harlan is your guy. He is one of the better broadcasters at CBS and gives viewers the impression that he genuinely loves calling the action (“Punch you in the mouth broadcasting”, if you will). His colleague Dan Bonner also does a very good job from the color analyst position and it makes us wonder why they aren’t given TV duties for the Championship game (though they do perform radio duties for Westwood One).

Our only complaint about this duo is that they have invented (and perfected) the Harlan-Face-to-Face. For those of you unfamiliar with the Harlan-Face-to-Face, it represents the few occasions during the course of the broadcast when the TV camera is on the announcing crew. After the play-by-play man asks a question, he deems it appropriate to place his arm around the color analyst and stare at his face from approximately one centimeter away. The color analyst could actually say, “You know Bill, I just took a huge dump in the locker room with Jim Calhoun” and play-by-play man would nod accordingly because, that’s what play-by-play men do.

What it means: They do a good job of broadcasting and an even better job at sitting close and staring at one another.

Fun Facts about the CBS Studio Show

-- Greg Gumbel has a chia-fro
-- it seems like Clark Kellogg has been convinced that there are demons that reside in the cameras and he is absolutely terrified to look at them.
-- Seth Davis writes for SI, has a solid TV gig with CBS, and reportedly does stand up comedy in New York. We’re serious about that. He sounds like a fun guy to drink a beer with.

Fun Facts about the tournament on CBS

-- CBS tried to lure Dick Vitale from ESPN for early round tournament play, but ESPN said no and labeled Vitale with a “not-for-loan” franchise tag. Thank you, ESPN. And for the record, Vitale said he was flattered that ESPN thought so highly of him, going so far as to say, "I've had an absolute love affair with ESPN and will do whatever my bosses want me to do." Be careful what you wish for, Dick. This is the same company that created Stump the Schwab.