Stool Samples

By Pat Imig and Josh Bacott

A few weeks ago, we took off the cloak of negativity that we typically wear and admitted that the ESPN College Gameday crew is one of the top panels in sports. That discussion schockingly lead us to another positive conclusion for this week: ESPN’s basketball version of the College Gameday crew is nearly on par with its football counterparts.

For the basketball version of College Gameday, you can normally find Rece Davis as in-studio host, and when he’s not trying to litter basketball highlights with old Seinfeld jokes, he’s pretty solid.

As for analysts, there’s no anger and brash, just good (and for the most part, logical) insight from Jay Bilas and Digger Phelps. While Bilas isn’t afraid to sport his Duke bias from time to time and toss out a ridiculous comment now and again, he’s normally on cue and gives viewers the feeling that he knows what he’s talking about - without being Theismannesque (we just invented that word). While Phelps is a little bit more on the critical side, he balances well with Bilas and together they do their jobs effectively.

Other reasons to enjoy college basketball programming on ESPN include Steve Lavin, who does well as both in-studio and in-game analyst (plus his hair is very entertaining) and newcomer Doug Gottlieb who seems determined to make his mark through actual analysis and opinion rather than strictly on volume. Another former coach is good friend (at least, he seems like he’d be a good friend if we actually knew him) Rick Majerus, who never shies away from a chance to rest his belly on the studio desk. Majerus’ style is similar to the guy sitting on the couch in that he’ll deliver his insight without dressing up words for the sake of looking intelligent. He is what he is and for that, you have to and appreciate him.

What we’re trying to say is that we appreciate the ESPN college basketball crew for what they do. It’s a little bit ironic that the college analysts in Bristol are much more professional than a majority of the pro ones. Unlike their counterparts, they let the atmosphere at the college campus provide the fun and games rather than going out of their way to create it on set.

That’s not to say we aren’t thankful for loud and brash characters like Stephen A. and Sean Salisbury. For without them, we wouldn’t laugh nearly as much.

Crap that Actually Came from Somebody’s Mouth – Brett Favre Edition

To the surprise of pretty much nobody who reads this site, Brett Favre was the centerpiece of the Sunday Conversation on SportsCenter two days ago. The conversation with Chris Mortensen revealed that Favre is “leaning towards retirement”….again.

Of course, being the media prostitute that he is, he chose the week of the Super Bowl to make this earth-shattering announcement (you know, just to ensure that he’ll be talked about in full during all the pre-game shows on Sunday). It used to be that we only resented the media coverage of Favre and not the player himself. But when he goes out and blatantly seeks attention such as this, it gets a little annoying to the people who are forced to listen to this charade over and over again.

"I wish I knew where I stood." – Brett Favre

Brett, the rest of the world also wished you knew where you stood, so we didn’t have to listen to this mush every year.
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"I love the game too much and I love my legacy too much to have that just be OK…and I don't want to be just OK. I want to be good, and I don't know if I'm committed enough [right now] to be good on an everyday basis." – Brett Favre

We didn’t want to the be the ones to break this to him, but someone really needs to tell him that last year he was neither “good” nor “OK”. He was hovering right around “good lord what happened to that guy” status.
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"I still know I can play, I still love to play, but there's still much more to it. I never thought I'd give out mentally before I gave out physically,"- Brett Favre

Unless his mind was responsible for the 30+ interceptions last season, most people already think he’s slipping physically too.
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"It's not about me. ... I want to make the right decision for everyone involved." – Brett Favre

Actually that quote was taken out of context. It originally said “I want to make the right decision for everyone involved…so long as I get to be on TV and listen to the media gush over me as much as possible.”
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“To sit around and talk about this again is just a broken record. I wish Brett would make up his mind.” – Kevin Blackistone, Around the Horn

Finally, another reasonable voice. Welcome aboard, Mr. Blackistone.
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“This guy (Favre) is Aaron Brooks with whiskers.” – Bill Plaschke, Around the Horn

According to our data, this marks the first and probably the last time that the Stool Samples crew has ever agreed with Bill Plaschke.

More Crap…
“I have a problem with my e-mail. Could you fix that?” – Terry Bradshaw trying to be funny with Seahawks owner Paul Allen

The amount of laughter that this generated at Qwest Field is equivalent to the amount of hair on Terry’s skullet
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“Mike Holmgren is a beautiful coach.” – Terry Bradshaw

Let the record show that this is the only time Holmgren and the word beautiful have ever been used in the same sentence. Well at least the only time that it hasn’t been in reference to his mustache.
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“Some times as a player you have to pay attention to the rules.” – Phil Simms
“When you win on the road, it tells you that you are a good football team.” – Phil Simms

Simms’s autobiography tentatively titled, Master the Obvious, hits newsstands this spring.
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“These guys are savvy football players.”
“These guys are leaders on the football field.”
“These guys just play football.” - Mark Schlereth on Lofa Tatupu and Leroy Hill

We’re trying to come up with a response to that, but really have nothing to say.
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"I love his savvy." – Schlereth on Jake Delhomme

Experts predict that we are only 122 days away from Mark Schlereth using the word “savvy” as an adjective to describe the word “savvy.”
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"This is one of the most undisciplined football teams in the National Football League." –Schlereth on the Saints.

The Schlereth “___ is the most/best/worst ___ in the National Football League” tracker: 2,876
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“They play Steeler football.” – Darren Woodson, ESPN

And that’s good for the Steelers because Lord knows that if they played Ravens football or Titans football, they probably wouldn’t be in the Super Bowl.
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"This is going to be completely different from the Ron Artest situation
because it's a completely different situation." – Dee Brown, ESPN

That’s the kind of hard-nosed, smashmouth insight we look for from all our analysts… not just the football ones.
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“I have nothing to say.” – Woody Paige (on his chalk board) during Around the Horn

Regardless if Woody offers up intelligent thoughts and opinions, you do have to credit the fact that he’s always honest.
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“I think the most important defensive player on this field is going to be John Lynch, Champ Bailey or Joey Porter.” – Joe Theismann previewing the AFC title game

Theismann later added that Ben Roethlisberger, Hines Ward, Jerome Bettis, Jake Plummer, Mike Anderson, or Rod Smith would be the most important offensive player for the game.
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"He must have a fake id because he goes top shelf." - Neil Everett on Alex Ovechkin

Stu Scott better watch his back. Neil Everett is making a serious play for the title of “Most Annoying Sportscenter Anchor”.
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"MIKE AND MIKE IN THE MORNING FOLLOWED BY COLD PIZZA" - ESPN Preview voice guy

Translation: “Cold Pizza’s ratings are so bad that we had to move it up in favor of two men talking in to a microphone from the same camera views for four hours. Consider it like Howard Stern, except that there are no naked chicks.”
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"He adds a lot of sausage up front.” – Mike Patrick on Harris Barton (in the Matchup of the Millenium)

It’s good to see that, even in simulated sporting events, the announcing continues to entertain.
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“From the Carolina Panther’s perspective, this is a great football team. They know what they’re doing. They go out and they execute and that’s what makes this team so special.” – Schlereth on the Carolina Panthers.

According to Schlereth, this column is special because we executed it.