Stool Samples

Now that the regular season of the NFL has ended, we want everybody to keep an eye peeled for the “_______ analyst’s ______ team”. We will explain... In 1984, John Madden debuted the All Madden team which has become the benchmark for “award from an analyst that really doesn’t mean anything.”

That’s not to say that the All Madden Team isn’t the original and isn’t the best of its kind. Let’s face it, any team that awards Bobby Heenan a roster spot as Team Manager is okay by us (Heenan won the honor in 1988 after catapulting Andre the Giant as the number one heel in wrestling). However, as more and more sports outlets have popped up since the inception of All Madden, the idea of an “All ____ Team” from any given analyst has become more prevalent and somewhat laughable.

Case in point: FOX’s Darryl Johnston and his Lunch Pale Crew. Essentially, the subtitle could be “Guys who pretty much suck but show up every Sunday and play hard”. The airing of the Lunch Pale Crew a little over two weeks ago didn’t come as a shock considering FOX also has the Terry Awards from Terry Bradshaw and Howie’s Tough Guys from Howie Long.

That got us to thinking: if other in-game and studio analysts jumped on this concept’s bandwagon, what would we see and hear? Below are our suggestions to add more “luster” to the NFL season.

Sean Salisbury – Sean Salisbury’s Top 35 MVP Candidates

Notable names: The first 35 people of the first half of the season whom Salisbury named as a “potential” Top 5 MVP candidate. By doing so, Salisbury avoids alienating all the men whom he feels he snubbed later in the year because you know, he sniffs their jocks.

Mark Schlereth – Mark Schlereth’s Football Players

Notable names: All 1,696 players in the National Football League

Tony Siragusa – Siragusa’s Hot Dogs

Notable names: Meyer, Oscar (It’s a basic rundown of all the stadiums that Siragusa has visited throughout the season and their respective concession’s version of a beef frank).

Greg Gumbel – The All Curl-Fro Team

Notable names: Gumbel, Greg

Joe Theismann – All the Men I’d Like to Cuddle With Team

Notable names: Brady, Tom; Favre, Brett; Manning, Peyton

Keep your eyes peeled in the coming weeks for each analyst’s version of the All Madden Team. We’re certainly on pins and needles.

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth

“He’s a good looking young stroker.” – Bill Raftery, speaking of Dee Brown in the Mizzou-Illinois Braggin Rights Game

We’re just going to let that one stand on its own.
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“Ricky (Williams) up the middle for a quick hitter.” – Chris Berman describing a Ricky Williams touchdown.

There’s just something humorous about the term “quick hitter” and Ricky Williams being used in the same sentence.
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“While we’re waiting, let’s take a listen in and a look at the lovely Dan McLaughlin.” – Curt Menefee

Has anybody told Dan that Menefee has a serious crush on him?
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“Why?”- Sideline Reporter asking Gopher RB Laurence Maroney about his declaring for the NFL draft

Our bet is on the millions of dollars.
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“If Texas defeats USC, are they on top of the list (as the greatest team of all time)?” ESPN College Gameday crew

What list? The list that you guys created so you could fill the last five weeks with hype and talk? FYI: We’ve decided that if we write Stool Samples in the span of less than one hour two weeks from now, it will be number one on the list for Greatest Stool Samples of all time.
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"I asked Deanna Favre, Brett's wife, how they deal with all the nonstop questions from the media." – Sam Ryan

So you, Sam, as a member of the media asked DeAnna how she deals with questions from the media? That sounds about right.
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“This is the second time in Cotton Bowl history that the game has ended on the final play.” – Stat at the end of the Cotton Bowl telecast.

Is that to say that the other 68 Cotton Bowls are still going on?
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"This guy is one of the most exciting college football players - maybe the most exciting college football player - I have ever seen." – Mark Schlereth on Reggie Bush

The Schlereth “_____ is the best/most/worst _______”quote meter: 1,155.

The last ESPN Sunday Night Football Broadcast…Mike, Joe and Paul will be missed

“They’ve got some young special players… guys like Drew Bledsoe whom he drafted in 1993… guys like Keyshawn Johnson.” – Joe Theismann

Nothing a like a little confusion to start off the pre-game set up.
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“(Larry Allen is) the most decorated offensive player in Cowboys history.” – Mike Patrick

Nothing like a little hyperbole when reading the starting lineups; come on Mike, names like Emmitt Smith, Troy Aikman, Tony Dorsett, Roger Staubach, hell even Michael Irvin might be ahead of Larry Allen.
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“You know what the Rams are missing right now? Mike Martz. The offense is not the same.” – Paul MaGuire

Paul, you’re wrong. Here’s why
1) Steve Fairchild is calling the plays and is arguably just as pass-happy (if not more so) than Mike Martz.
2) Marc Bulger isn’t playing.
3) Steven Jackson isn’t playing.

Good job, though, of throwing out a comment that clearly isn’t researched and has no logic whatsoever.
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“You already have a running back. What can he do for you? I don’t see it.” Paul MaGuire suggesting the Texans draft Reggie Bush and then trade him.

Well for starters Paul, his presence alone will revive the morale of a fan base and team that took part in 2 victories last year.
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“We’re going to have to send Brett a memo: You cannot retire. You are still too good and too important to this league.” – Mike Patrick on the potential retirement of Brett Favre

And by “too important” we mean that without highlights of Brett, what will TV announcers use to pleasure themselves?
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“You are not allowed to go away yet. We want you. We need you.” – Joe Theismann on Brett Favre

Yes, he really said this. We swear.

The End for ABC
As we all know, the last episode of Monday Night Football on ABC aired two weeks ago. The change means that the Worldwide Sports Leader takes center stage on Monday nights. While the actual broadcast won’t change too much, the pre-game festivities most certainly will.

Leave it to the network of overkill to begin perhaps one of the biggest wastes of money and time in the next three years. The potential for wasted revenue (and most surely, time) has nothing to do with the annual $1.1 billion ESPN will be shipping out to the NFL for the rights to Monday nights (keep in mind, ABC has been losing money on MNF for years). Rather, the company plans on beginning pre-game festivities on Fridays.

Yes… three whole days prior to kickoff. Essentially, SportsNation can expect polls, on-demand preview videos, and a special MNF message board. And we can get it all through our computers, cell phones, and televisions. Don’t believe us? Leave it to ESPN exec Ed Davis to fill you in, “We want to make Monday Night Football the first totally integrated, interactive sports media experience.”

In other words, ESPN has full intentions of making you hate Monday Night Football.

The Beginning for Joey T
As for in game coverage, things shouldn’t change too much (although if ESPN convinced the NFL to allow celebrity referees for Monday nights, we wouldn’t be shocked). Al Michaels will retain his post as play-by-play man and will be joined by Joe Theismann. It should be a brand new experience for sports fans, as Theismann will get the entire telecast to verbally grope every quarterback without the interruptions of Sunday Night sidekick Paul MaGuire.

On a semi-related note, in a recent episode of Cold Pizza’s 1st and 10 (trust us, we stumbled on to it by mistake), Skip Bayless suggested that someone needs to counter Theismann in the booth to play the role of “hero” to Theismann’s “villain”. Bayless’ suggestion: you ready? You sure?

Okay. We warned you….

Skip Bayless.

If that’s not hard enough to swallow, Woody Paige also chimed in by suggesting that Stephen A. Smith should join the booth on the Monday Nights because, as Woody says, “He’s controversial.”

Quite frankly, that’s a terrible idea.

Verizon V Cast w/ John Madden
Just a reminder that in case any of you haven’t seen the commercial, football fans can now get game analysis from John Madden as part of V Cast on their Verizon Wireless phones. Trying to decipher Madden’s analysis on a cell phone is a pretty dangerous proposition… especially when driving a car.

Verizon may want to rethink this strategy.

The Faces of Damon
Two weeks ago, the Stool Samples crew counted no less than four articles about Johnny Damon and his new “look” in New York. Keep in mind that this didn’t include play #7 on the SC Top 10 that showed what Damon would look like if he acquired the attributes of some current Yankees. Not that it really matters, but we’re willing to bet that a majority of sports fans could care less about what Damon may or may not look like as a Yankee.

You know, because a majority of sports fans are men, the same people who avoided watching Damon’s appearance on Queer Eye last June.

On a side note, the pictures of Damon at a Manhattan salon, getting his Yankees trim, announced to the world that Alex Rodriguez now has some competition for the title of “Most Metrosexual Yankee”.

Foxsports.com
Sticking with a hint of homoeroticism, Foxsports.com has been running a “Sexiest Man in the NFL” poll all season long.

We’re not even really sure how to comment on that.

Media Rant of the Week – Scoop Jackson
In this age of exaggeration and look-at-me commentary in the sports media, it isn’t easy to get noticed. It takes a rare ability to make head-scratching statements on a regular basis to become a reliable contributor to the Circus. With that in mind, a special shout goes out to Scoop Jackson of espn.com who consistently stands out with his column on Page 2. This week Scoop made his presence felt in his “What Mattered Most in 2005” column, where he determined that amongst the most “important” stories of 2005 was the debut of Stephen A. Smith’s disastrous show, Quite Frankly.

According to Scoop, the show was so important, because “no disrespect to Bryant Gumbel, Michael Wilbon, John Saunders, Montell Williams, Orlando Jones or DL Hugley, but … not since they pulled Arsenio Hall off the air in 1994 has a black man had his own talk show -- or been slated to host one with his name in the title.”

So basically, Jackson said that Stephen A’s was the first talk show hosted by a black man since Arsenio, then proceeded to name 6 other black men who’ve hosted their own shows in that timeframe. Huh?

Meanwhile, Quite Frankly has succeeded in becoming one of the lowest rated daily shows on TV.

From our perspective, Stephen A. Smith’s show was more of the same from ESPN, who has made a habit of pushing “personalities” like Smith, Skip Bayless, Sean Salisbury, etc, who depend on volume and controversial opinions to gain attention.

ESPN’s programming lineup includes the likes of Tom Jackson, Michael Smith, Mike Wilbon, JA Adande, Kevin Blackistone and Greg Anthony, all black men who make their mark with thoughtful analysis and well reasoned arguments unlike Smith. But until they turn up the volume and the controversial takes, don’t expect to see them getting their own shows anytime soon.

Sean Salisbury has a Crush on You
During the holiday season, Sean proved he might be relenting on the anger and cockiness, at least for a few weeks. That being said, he did drop this gem about Brett Favre on a night where Favre didn’t play and had really nothing to do with the conversation. After showing a clip of Salisbury defeating the 49ers on Monday Night Football 11 years ago, Sean downplayed his contributions by saying,

“I still look at the game Brett played (after his dad died) as the greatest moment ever.”

As a point of interest (and to refresh your memory), you may recall Salisbury dropping any one of these comments since the first of July:

“I love Brett Favre, I really do. I know it sounds cliché but I love the guy.”

“Brett Favre is everything that is good about football.”

“There’s not a family out there who is tougher than the Favre family.”

"Teammates need to rally around him because I don't want to see him go out like this."

"He's still got game. Trust me on that!”

"I think that Brett Favre does what he does every week... competes his rear end off."

"I love Brett Favre"

Salisbury really needs to have dinner some time with John Madden. They’d have a blast, for sure.