Stool Samples

By Pat Imig and Josh Bacott (email the JoeSportsFan staff @ pgi@joesportsfan.com)

Jim Rome is burning - or at least he says he is. What exactly is Rome always burning on? Does he suffer from acid reflux disease or gonorrhea? Or is the “burning” just a persona that Rome likes to portray to come off as a cutting edge hard ass?

It’s probably the latter; and while his radio show still offers up quality material from time to time, there’s no question that the TV version of the Jim Rome show is one of the most atrocious 30 minutes of sports talk on television (and that’s saying something when Quite Frankly is on five days a week).

If you look past the annoying “hard-edged” persona, the nonstop cliché-filled mumbo jumbo (“He’s a scrapper/gamer” etc.), the futile attempts at humor (OJ jokes… come on Rome, even Leno has moved on), starting off every show by saying “We have an epic/classic show today,” and the fact that he refers to his friends (AJ Pierzynski, Jay Mohr etc.) as “legendary” every time they’re on the tube, you can begin to notice a few other disturbing trends.

Next up on Jim Rome is Burning… Mayim Bialik
Rome’s panelists in “The Forum” range from mediocre to comical. If it’s not Roger Lodge from Blind Date, it’s some guy named Jeff Cesario or the dudes from Cheap Seats (or any other good friend of Rome’s). The show isn’t afraid to hire any former athlete to talk, even if he or she has no knowledge of a subject whatsoever. Case in point, two weeks ago Seth Joyner took the forum and graced us with his insights on the NBA. Only problem is that Joyner played linebacker for the Philadelphia Eagles.

Jim Rome… Romance King
Another disturbing trend is Rome’s interview segment. There’s just something strangely homoerotic about dimming the lights of the studio down for a segment titled “Alone with Rome.” Who thought this was a good idea?

Two words: Jim Rome.

The Temperature is Rising
The final segment titled “The Final Burn” (notice the creative brilliance with the naming of the segment) is so forced and contrived, it needs no more discussion other than to say that watching Rome trim his perfect goatee would be far more entertaining. Maybe in the future, they can play off the “burning” theme and set Rome or his studio on fire midway through the show.

That would be far more entertaining.

Crap that Actually Came From Somebody’s Mouth
"His hands are cold." - Paul MaGuire justifying a Brett Favre fumble.

MaGuire left the booth midway through the 3rd quarter to give Favre some mittens and hot cocoa so this wouldn’t happen again.
___________________________

“Akin Ayodele is playing a football game.” - Dan Dierdorf

Just in case you were watching the Jaguars/Colts game and thought they were playing Scattergories.
___________________________

“Whoever ends up coaching the Lions is going to get one heck of a football team.” – Joe Theismann

If by “one heck of a football team” you mean biggest waste of offensive talent since the 2005 Rams, you’d be correct.
___________________________

"I'm not sure he can play or not, but he can." – Packers Coach, Mike Sherman on Samkon Gado

Not even really sure how to respond to that…
___________________________

"It's going to be a very sad day for all of us when he retires." - Mike Patrick on Favre

When Favre officially calls it quits, the sports world will probably be put on hold for two weeks and the Sunday Night Crew will eulogize his career.
___________________________

"There's only one person I wouldn't want to give the ball back to with 2 and a half minutes left and it's Brett Favre." - Paul MaGuire

Paul MaGuire later stated that if Playgirl ever did a full frontal pictorial of Favre, he’d wait in line overnight to get a copy. Theismann and Patrick agreed it would be a fantastic issue.
___________________________

“Some brewers look out there windows and see smokestacks. Some don’t” – Pete Coors

We’re just caught off guard by these Coors commercials. We’re waiting for a punch line, and never seem to get it.
___________________________

Brian Baldinger: “Anytime a receiver jumps, their concentration is not the same.”
Kenny Albert: “Why is that?”
Baldinger: “Because…you don’t have your feet on the ground. You’re just not grounded.”

If what Baldinger says is true, basketball players are just totally lacking concentration pretty much every time they shoot.
___________________________

“This is one of the best cold weather quarterbacks in the National Football League.” – Mark Schlereth on Tom Brady

“One of the most aggressive defenses (with Brian Urlacher) in the National Football League.” – Mark Schlereth on the Bears

The Schlereth “______ is the best/worst/most _____ in the National Football League” quote-meter: 726
___________________________

“I think this is what I didn’t like about Week 15…
…The halftime press-box hot dog at Gillette Stadium.” – Peter King, SI.com

Something tells us he ate the hot dog anyway.
_________________________

"I have friends who have adolescents and they say that's the time you want to be away from your family." - Ric Bucher disputing the family reason for Stan Van Gundy leaving (whose daughter happens to be 14).

We can only hope that Bucher doesn’t have any children.
_________________________

“These are two good five and eight teams.” – Sam Rosen on the Eagles and Rams

Yes, two good teams who (at the time) combined to lose 16 games.
_________________________

“I believe somewhere tonight, for the Bears to win, Kyle Orton is going to have to make some kind of a play.” – Joe Theismann

Theismann has a knack for going out on a limb with his analysis.
_________________________

“They should change their name to the Cincinnati Johnsons.” –Radio announcer during the Bengals/Lions game.

Sure Mr. Radio Announcer, that wouldn’t be uncomfortable at all.
_________________________

“When Carson Palmer is stroking it, no one is better!” – Ron Jaworski

Nothing is better than when the QB of the Cincinnati Johnsons is stroking it.
_________________________

“That’s what I do. I give good answers.” – Michael Irvin

Like when you blamed the drug paraphernalia in your car on the fact that you were just holding it to help a friend… right.
_________________________

“Pierzynski catches extension from White Sox.” – Headline on ESPN.com

Notice the tremendous play on words because AJ is a catcher. Bravo, News Headline man!
_________________________

The Executioner – Mark Schlereth
Mark Schlereth, on the New York Jets:
“They don’t have the people to execute on 3rd down and five. What’s wrong with giving it to Curtis Martin, your best football player on a draw on 3rd down and five? Listen, it’s all about execution. You’ve got to be able to execute and to execute in this league, you’ve got to have great players. They don’t have the players to go out there and execute… Everybody has a gameplan but you’ve got to be able to execute.”

Media Rant of the Week
After his colleague, Mark Schlereth took center stage a month ago in this column to explain his football-analyst dialect, Schlerethese, Sean Salisbury got a little jealous. After all, he’s the star of NFL Live. He’s the guy who, despite sitting on the bench for the majority of his NFL career, has forgotten more about football than anybody else at ESPN ever knew. There was no way he was letting Schlereth outshine him.

So he did what any good analyst who is looking for attention would do – he cranked up the quote machine and grabbed our attention.

The past two weeks, Salisbury unleashed an unprecedented barrage of contradiction, anger and cockiness and then he threw in a few good old fashioned head-scratchers to show us and Mark Schlereth why he’s always at the center of Stool Samples. To anyone who is thinking about becoming an NFL talking head – take a look at how it’s done:

A little standard issue hyperbole to start things off,
"This might be the second best team in the National Football League." - on the then 8-4 Chargers being behind only the Colts

That not enough? Let’s kick it up a notch,
"This might be the most complete football team in the NFL." - on Seattle

Now how about a touch of contradiction,
"I think (the Seahawks) belong but probably in the middle or end of the sentence. The Colts are the sentence."

A Schlereth-esque same-sentence contradiction,
“They’re the best team (Seattle) in the NFC, but the Panthers are still the favorite.”

So we’ve gone from Seattle being the most complete team in football, to them being behind the Colts, to them not even being the favorite in the NFC all while the Chargers just “may be” the second best team in football. Suck on that.

Now, how about a little fire and brimstone, just in case you were getting comfortable,
"They do play football west of the Mississippi just so you know!" - Sean Salisbury on Seattle

"A lot of people don't go out to the Northwest, you don't know the Seahawks!"

To mix things up, he figured he’d drop a little science on the Colts. They’re so good, that even he was wrong about them and that doesn’t happen often people,
"I picked them to lose one or two games, but now I'm a believer. They will go undefeated!"

And what happens when the so-called “second best team in football”, the Chargers, lose to the Dolphins? Why, Sean unleashes his wrath and takes his anger out on the entire Charger football team.
“If you don’t know the situation, you are a BONEHEAD!”

You want football buzzwords? You got it,
"That is physical, punch-you-in-the-mouth football.” – on the Colts

He can even throw out some Maddenisms if that’s your fancy,
"It's not just the way (The Vikings) have won 5 in a row, it's how they're winning."

And just so you don’t forget who we’re talking about, here’s some classic Salisbury – he knows he’s not an NFL GM, but he should be,
“Feely’s a good kicker, he really is. I don’t want a streaky kicker, though. And Jay needs to know that and I think he does.”

Jay Feeley better know that. Because when Sean speaks, you should be listening.

Facts about Eli Manning (from ESPN the Magazine)
He has road rage

He grows out his stubble for game day to look older

He calls his mom every day.

He reads about brain physiology.

Facts about Eli Manning (from the Stool Samples crew)
He’s a dork

Salisbury’s Parting Shot (We know we’re obsessed, but it’s just so easy)
“Tom Brady better be a Top Five MVP Candidate!”

Steve Smith
Carson Palmer
Edgerrin James
Peyton Manning
Shaun Alexander
Ladainian Tomlinson
Tiki Barber
Jake Plummer
Tom Brady
Brian Urlacher

The above list includes all players whom Salisbury has named as a “Top 5 MVP Candidate” this season. Good to see he’s starting an argument with himself. Pretty soon, Salisbury will only be angry at Salisbury.