Stool Samples

Pat Imig and Josh Bacott (email: pgi@joesportsfan.com)

Remember when NBC Sports didn’t suck? It’s been a long time. Ever since the network lost the AFC to CBS, NBC Sports has become an afterthought. It’s a lot like the Best Damn Sports Show Period in that it’s so bad, it normally gets overlooked.

Since losing the bidding war for the AFC seven years ago, NBC has given sports fans the XFL and WNBA. Somehow Tommy Maddox, Jessie Ventura, Lisa Leslie and 5000 “We Got Next” commercials don’t seem near as bad as the current lineup of programming.

Other than Notre Dame football, can you name one sports program you go out of your way to watch on NBC or that you are at least consciously aware of? Certainly NBC has a strong following due to its NASCAR coverage, but outside of that and Charlie Weis’ man boobs, the network has clearly hit a dry spell.

The past two weeks, sports fans have had the pleasure of watching Professional Bull Riding. If you need a description, leave it to NBC to hook you in: “The Professional Bull Riders season opener in Uncasville, Conn. The field is expected to include defending champ Mike Lee.”

Wow, Mike Lee!

You can also catch the World of Outdoor Sports: “Outdoor athletes and events are the focus of this occasional series, which ranges from adventure racing to ice climbing to sailing.”

Translation: “We’re horribly desperate. Remember when we used to have the World Series and the NBA and the NFL on NBC? Man, we were the beacon that kept the sports world aglow. Now, we’d televise indoor soccer is we could get the rights.”

Not to be outdone by Bull Riding and the World of Outdoor Sports is the Dew Action Sports Tour Highlights. What is that say you? Well, it’s “A look at top moments from the five-stop, $3.5 million series that featured skateboarding, BMX and motocross events. Athletes include Dave Mirra, Bucky Lasek and Bob Burnquist.”

It should be noted that this entire piece was spawned by the fact that NBC was showing running immediately after the Notre Dame game two weeks ago. That’s right, running. Nothing intrigues viewers and potential advertisers like the sight of a group of 100 lb joggers wearing nut huggers.

Suddenly, Vince McMahon, Rebecca Lobo and He Hate Me don’t sound so bad after all.

At least NBC has Bob Burnquist.

Crap that actually came out of someone’s mouth

“If he gets the surgery now or 3 weeks from now, that’s just 3 weeks difference.” – Mike Golic on Eagles QB Donovan McNabb.

Anyone who ever said that football players weren’t smart…take that.
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“Don’t penalize Andruw Jones for the fact that Pujols has had a great 5 years.” – Michael Smith, Around the Horn.

We’re thinking that most of the voters penalized Andruw for being horrific with runners in scoring position and being behind Pujols in all but two offensive categories.
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“Al Davis loves to throw the ball long. That’s why he put together a team with Irv Turner as the coach.” – Woody Paige, Around the Horn, presumably talking about Raiders coach Norv Turner.

Seriously, should you have a voice on a national sports program if you call Norv Turner, “Irv”, and don’t even correct yourself?
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“And you’re right, you do have teammates behind you – the fullback and the running back, but that’s because they have to be.” – Shannon Sharpe on Kyle Boller’s claim that his teammates are behind him.

There’s something funny about Shannon Sharpe taking his allegedly world class smack talking skills into the broadcast booth to challenge an active player.
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“(Mike Martz) was at practice for the first time the entire year and stayed a long time on Friday afternoon.” – Thom Brenneman, Fox

Martz was at practice for the first time all year? We realize that this was a simple mistake by Brenneman, but after watching a Martz coached team, it doesn’t seem that far fetched.
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“I'd read when (Chad Johnson) got an idea for the offense he'd call coach Marvin Lewis, even if it was the middle of the night, and run the idea out by him. Lewis gets little enough sleep; it's ridiculous Johnson can't wait till morning.” – Peter King, SI.com

This year at Thanksgiving, in addition to things like family and good health, Marvin Lewis should be thankful that he has a columnist at SI.com that is genuinely concerned with how much sleep he’s getting.
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“If there’s too much trajectory on the ball, Mama Said Knock You Out!” – Sean Salisbury, demonstrating a Chris Simms play on the ESPN mock field.

It appears that Salisbury’s angry demeanor is spawned by the fact that he listens to L.L. Cool J as part of his pre-game regiment of push-ups before going on camera.
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“This is the equivalent of making gourmet chicken salad out of something…. (awkward pause)… that you don’t want in your chicken salad.” – Reece Davis on Bill Snyder turning around the K-State football program

It sounded ridiculous and awkward at the time and it looks even more stupid in print form. We’ll just chalk that one up to a mental block, Reece.
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“You know that ‘This is a test?’ You see it on the radio and on TV… ‘This is a test?’ Well, this is a test for the Kansas City Chiefs.” – Randy Cross on the Chiefs playing in Buffalo.

We can’t decide what’s more annoying: listening to that “this is a test” beeping or listening to Cross analyze a game. Probably the latter.
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“The Jets (are) always competitive.” – Tom Jackson after the Jets 30-3 loss to the Panthers.

Six turnovers and a 27 point loss clearly support that theory.
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“This guy can play football.” – Paul McGuire on Ruben Droughns

McGuire obviously has been stricken with Schlereth’s Disease. It really seems to be spreading throughout Bristol.
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“You dummy!” – Paul McGuire after Chris Pope dropped an interception.

Listening to Paul McGuire call me a dummy would deflate all of the air out of my self esteem balloon.
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“Fifty percent of the teams win and fifty percent of the teams lose and that’s what I take away after a day of football.” – Lou Holtz

After watching Holtz all season, we firmly believe he believes what he just said.
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Media Rant of the Week – A Fond Farewell
We are among the millions who are saddened by the fact that the ESPN Sunday Night Crew is in its final season together. As you probably know, ESPN is taking over the reigns for Monday Night Football while NBC is taking over Sunday Night duties for the 2006 season.

Among other things, the shift means that Joe Theismann will be occupying the Monday Night seat alongside incumbent Al Michaels. The move apparently means that Paul Maguire is currently unemployed. We only imagine what Paul is thinking right now - “You’re gonna tell me that not having a job is not something that you don’t want to go through? I don’t have a job!”

It’s a sad day when we lose the single most entertaining announcing duo in all of football, even though none of what makes them entertaining is intentional.

How do we love thee? Let us count the ways.

First let’s look at Joe Theismann. The best part about him is that he loves anyone and everyone who plays the quarterback position. Whether it’s Tom Brady or Sage Rosenfels, Joseph is never afraid to fawn all over anyone who lines up over center. Throughout the course of the game, you’re liable to hear various forms of the following, “I just really like the way ______ throws the football!” It’s as if Theismann is teenager suffering from his first crush. He’s mesmerized, and can’t snap out of it.

Another aspect of the Theismann experience is his arrogance and condescending attitude towards Maguire and the national audience in general. His tendency to start off phrases with, “I’ve always said” and “I just think” serve as his way of letting America know that he knows what he’s talking about and that you probably don’t.

To counter Theismann, Paul Maguire plays the role of senile broadcaster lacking in intelligence (actually, we don’t think he’s playing). We love Maguire because he starts off pretty much every statement with “I’ll tell ya” as in, “I’ll tell ya, you want to talk about a hard hit? WATCH THIS BLOCK!!! BAM!” He’s always looking to enhance the viewing experience by stressing that the audience is supposed to “watch this” during the replays. Sure it’s on TV and there really isn’t anything we could do besides watch it, but that’s not the point. Maguire is all about the viewers. (Imagine McGuire as an author, every paragraph in his book would undoubtedly start off with “READ THIS!”)

There are various paths that the Paul Maguire statement can take. For example, Paul has a tendency to “see” something and tell us to watch for it on the replay, only to find out that he was clearly off the mark and didn’t actually see what he thought he saw. “Watch this block by Andruzzi. He hits two guys, well, no, one guy. He missed London Fletcher, but he hit the other guy!”

There’s also the McGuire 180, in which he’ll make a point and tell us to watch for it on the replay, only to have the replay clearly show otherwise (that Maguire’s statement was terribly off) instigating an argument between Paul and himself. “Watch this play, it’s clearly not a fumble! Look at the way his knee hit…no his knee did not hit the ground. You can’t tell me that this wasn’t a fumble!”

Then there’s the world-famous Maguire Complex Question where he’ll use multiple negatives and double negatives just to confuse anyone who happens to be paying attention. “Watch here. Are you not gonna tell me that Drew Bledsoe doesn’t like playing against his old team?”

The yearning for air time between Paul and Joe leads us to believe that lots of elbowing and rock-paper-scissors contests occur during a play to see who gets the first crack at the replay. Within milliseconds after Corey Dillon rushes for four yards, you can bet all your money that one of these two will be yapping in your ears. It’s just a matter of who can blurt out their favorite catch phrase first.

Good bye Paul and Joe.

Thanks for the memories. You will be missed.

Sean Salisbury is Angry at You
If you happen to think that running backs aren’t important, Sean has a loud message for you…

“Ladainian Tomlinson, Shaun Alexander, and Edgerrin James are three of the top five MVP candidates. DON’T TELL ME RUNNING BACKS DON’T MATTER!”

After four months of covering the season, Sean is has reached a boiling point. He’s ready to kick your ass.