Stool Samples

Stool Samples

By: Pat Imig and Josh Bacott (email: pgi@joesportsfan.com)

Quotes that make us wonder…

(Skip Bayless, on Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson)

“Chad Johnson has turned in to the NFL’s second best receiver, behind Moss.”

No one has ever accused Skip Bayless of being shy about his idiotic statements. Johnson is an elite receiver, but names like Terrell Owens, Marvin Harrison, and Torry Holt might slip ahead of him in the rankings of the current receivers.

(Darryl Johnston, on Patrick Ramsey.)

“I think he’s poised for a breakout year.”

If by “breakout year” you mean riding the bench in Week 2, then yes, you’d be correct. Granted, it’s easy for us to play the role of second guesser, but the dude has never proven anything. For some reason, certain members of the media are convinced the Skins are the real deal. In fact, Joe Theismann picked them to go to the Super Bowl. What are the odds?

(Jayson Stark, on the most overrated statistic in all of baseball)

“Shouldn't it be clear to anyone paying attention that "wins" might be the most overrated individual stat in baseball? Come on. Admit it already.”

Are you serious? If I have a guy who individually has 20 wins, that means my team has won at least 20 of his games. The fact that I had to write that Madden-esque line is ridiculous.

(Woody Paige giving an additional reason for Dontrelle Willis winning the CY Young over Chris Carpenter.)

"Carpenter's hitting .029 at the plate while Dontrelle is hitting .250. They could put him in right field when he doesn't pitch if they wanted to."

Someone needs to inform Woody that the CY Young award is about pitching. No further explanation is needed.

(Rodney Peete, on the Raiders defense)

“The question is will that defense hold up, and Warren Sapp says it will.”

Don’t take this as a shot at your journalism skills Rodney, but Warren Sapp might not be the most objective source when looking for predictions on the Raiders defense.

General Head Scratchers

(Woody Paige on why Bud Selig should seek the advice of Curt Schilling and David Wells.)

“These are two grand masters of the game, who’ve been around a long time.”

I had no idea that Schilling and Wells had ties to the Clan. That will certainly hurt Schilling’s chances for a solid role in a political office after retirement.

(Merrill Hoge, on the importance of a divisional loss)

“A loss in the division is more than one. It’s like one and a half.”

I’m losing hair just scratching at that one.

(Rob Dibble, on bringing in new players for the stretch run)
“Sometimes bringing in that NEW guy may just send you in the wrong direction. Just look at the moves the Red Sox made last year. Before the 2004 season they picked up Curt Schilling and Keith Foulke, then later that season picked up a couple small, but important pickups like Dave Roberts, Orlando Cabrera, and Doug Mientkiewicz. All of which are great guys. Not one of those new guys hurt the team and what they meant to each other and what they were trying to do.”
Anyone get the feeling that Rob Dibble isn’t very intelligent? To answer that question, no, because we don’t have any earthly idea what he’s trying to say either.

(Joe Theismann, on watching Notre Dame’s first victory)

“I had a chance to go to the game and I’m standing on the sidelines and I’m watching the first quarter of football and all of the sudden, I got a smile on my face because the thought that came to me was “what is Tom Brady thinking right now”?”

Joe has never been afraid to profess his love for Tom Brady and this case was no exception. This was from a 15 minute interview on a radio show in which neither the Patriots nor Tom Brady were ever brought up. But Joe couldn’t help himself because after all, he’s smitten.

Theismann later added that he envisioned a naked Brady riding a unicorn in the twilight shadows of Touchdown Jesus.

Monday Morning Overreaction (From Around the Horn, the Monday after Week 1)

“It’s pretty evident that (new Miami coach) Nick Saban is the goods. He’s going to be a great coach in the NFL.” – Bob Ryan

“(The KC Chiefs) become, in my mind, a Super Bowl contender in one week, because they can play defense like never before.” – Bill Plaschke

“Curtis Martin has finally hit the wall. He’s too old. He’s not going to have another 1,200-yard rushing year. And (Jets coach) Herm Edwards is a wonderful sweetheart guy, who is in way over his head as an NFL coach.” – Bob Ryan

There you have it. After one week, the Chiefs are now a Super Bowl contender, Nick Saban’s 1-0 record in the league has solidified his status as a great coach in the NFL, last year’s NFL rushing leader is too old and Herm Edwards, who came within a missed field goal of taking his team to the AFC championship last season, is in over his head in this league.

There’s just nothing more satisfying that a good, clean overreaction.

Salisbury’s Anger at the Audience

It’s well documented that we find in humor in the fact that Sean seems to have a vendetta against the audience. Sometimes it seems he’s under the impression that we as the viewers have started an argument with him, and his job as analyst is to shoot us down. The following represent this week’s edition of Salisbury’s Anger.

(After the Raiders loss to the Patriots on opening night)

“People, can we just put to rest that the Oakland Raiders are contenders. They aren’t. Now get over it!”

(On certain fantasy footballers lacking intelligence)

“If you didn’t draft Larry Johnson in your draft, you don’t know fantasy football period, anyway!”

Well folks, if you thought the Raiders were contenders and or you failed to draft Larry Johnson in your fantasy draft, you obviously aren’t as smart as Sean Salisbury. As I’m typing this, I keep shaking my head because I’d love to know what’s going on inside his mind when he says these things in such a hostile manner.

I guess it boils down the fact that we’re all peasants to King Salisbury.

Now Get Over It!