Stool Samples

Stool Samples – Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth

By: Pat Imig and Josh Bacott (email: pgi@joesportsfan.com)

(Sean Salisbury, on people badmouthing Michael Vick’s passing)

“I, quite frankly, am tired of people saying Mike Vick isn’t a quarterback; he is…. I think he’s a quarterback, not just an athlete.”

I don’t believe the critics have ever said Vick wasn’t a “quarterback”, they’ve said he isn’t a passer. That’s not to say he can’t become an efficient passer down the road, but right now, he hasn’t proven otherwise. Last season, Vick threw fewer touchdowns than 23 other quarterbacks and tossed more interceptions than Kyle Boller. Read that last part again.

(Jeff Brantley, on Curt Schilling after losing to the Royals)

“If you’re looking for results, you’re probably not happy with them. But, in my mind’s eye, if you look at the 94 mph fastball, you see that Curt Schilling is fine.”

I don’t’ know Jeff, I mean the guy has given up 11 runs in his last 11 innings pitched. For the season, he’s got a 6.96 ERA and more losses than wins (as of this typing). That doesn’t translate to being fine, at least in my mind’s eye.

(Sean Salisbury, on Michael Vick’s 5/10 preseason performance for 44 yards)

“As a quarterback, you must believe. And Michael Vick looked tonight like he believes a little more.”

This is another example of a media member hoping for something when it really isn’t there. The guy completed 50% of his passes and Salisbury is trying to equate that with having more belief and more confidence? Maybe that’s why Sean was a mediocre quarterback.

(Sean Salisbury, on what to look for in T.O.’ and Donovan’s first preseason game together)

“Do they sit next to each other? Does Terrell come over to Donovan after the catch and say, ‘nice throw?’”

Sean later added that it would be prudent for Donovan to have TO over for breakfast so that he could analyze Owens complimenting McNabb’s poached eggs. This, of course, one week after Sean said he was “tired of people talking about T.O.”

(Tim McCarver, on hitting in RFK stadium)

“It’s like hitting uphill. It gives you the allusion that you’re hitting uphill.”

McCarver has never been afraid to harp on the same topic and this “hitting uphill” idea was no exception. Nobody ever accused Tim McCarver of being a genius.

(Tim McCarver, on Tony LaRussa)

“You talked about his book, 3 Nights in August, well this is One Day in Washington.”

The poetic prose of Timothy McCarver, ladies and gentlemen.

(Peter Gammons, on why Andruw Jones should win the NL MVP)

“With all those young players and Chipper Jones out, he has hoisted the team on his back.”

Okay, this is a valid argument; but if you’re going to base Jones winning the award on that statement, you could also apply it to Albert Pujols. This season, Scott Rolen, Reggie Sanders, Yadier Molina and Larry Walker have all missed substantial time with injuries. It’s been so bad, that Mark Grudzielanek and So Taguchi have hit behind Albert in the cleanup spot. The point is that one can’t justify either man winning the award merely because of the injury/carrying the team idea because both have done it.

(Mark Schlereth, on why he likes Arizona rookie cornerback Antrel Rolle)

“I like Antrell Rolle because he’s a football player.”

Schlereth later added that he likes Trey Wingo because he’s a “studio host” and that he loves his Honda Civic because it’s an “automobile”.

(Sean Salisbury, on Bears starting quarterback Kyle Orton)

“Let me take it a step further: of all the rookie quarterbacks in this league, Kyle Orton will have the biggest impact.”

Let’s see, #1 pick Alex Smith is number two on his depth chart, and Aaron Rodgers, Jason Campbell, Charlie Frye and Andrew Walter are all number 3 on their respective depth charts. Kyle Orton is the only rookie quarterback starting in the NFL. Man, you’re really going out on a limb there, Sean.

(Woody Paige, on USC’s chances of winning another championship this year).

“USC has zilch chance of doing it.”

I just don’t know why he would say such a thing. It’s one thing to think they won’t win it, but it’s a whole other ballgame to say they have “zilch” chance of doing it.

(Woody Paige, on why Roger Clemens deserves the Cy Young.)

“We have got to go for the greatest pitcher over 40 in the history of baseball.”

Why does age matter? Though I realize Woody is in it for the entertainment (loose use of the word, I know) by offering up ridiculous counterarguments, that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be held accountable.

(Jim Rome, on Jason Giambi and his fans).

“The guy should not be taking curtain calls.”

Jim, this is America - land of second chances. It would be one thing if Giambi handled himself like an idiot a la McGwire, Sosa, or Bonds, or straight up lied to the world like Rafael Palmeiro; but he didn’t. He’s producing now and his fans appreciate it. That doesn’t seem like something worth “burning” about to me.

(John Madden, on Cowboys rookie defensive lineman DeMarcus Ware after Ware forced a fumble).

"Yyayy know, Bill Parcells said he wants him to be his Lawrence Taylor type and I’m not going to say that he’s Lawrence Taylor, but right there, he looked like Lawrence Taylor.”

You know, lots of people think he’s a bumbling idiot, and I’m not going to say that John Madden is a bumbling idiot, but right there, he sounded like a bumbling idiot.”

(Lee Corso, on Florida Gator quarterback Chris Leak after a 26/34 passing performance to open the season).

“I think he’s got to be the front runner for the Heisman!”

One game in to the season and we’re already talking Heisman? Thankfully, Kirk Herbstreit was there to settle Lee down and put him in his place (as he does so often). But this comment is a little disturbing because it displays your stereotypical sports TV talking head: loud, a little overzealous, and not afraid to predict something just to see if it sticks so he or she can look like a “genius.”