Stool Samples
Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth
Stool Samples: Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth.
Pat Imig and Josh Bacott of the JoeSportsFan staff.
With the recent proliferation of sports media outlets, the battle for a significant slice of the national audience continues to rage on. As a result, TV networks, websites, papers, etc., are stacking their lineup with columnists, talking heads and your standard issue loudmouths all of whom are employed simply to get attention at any cost.
These guys spend countless hours ragging on athletes and analyzing their every move and statement. But who’s analyzing the analysts? With their intense desire to be heard, talking heads all over the country are spewing forth ridiculous ideas and opinions, some of which are just flat out inaccurate; only no one is there to call them out when they say it.
Well, that’s about to change. While we may not carry a big stick as of now, the JoeSportsFan staff plans on keeping tabs on the media and their increasingly idiotic stances on the world around them. Whether it’s a statement that is factually baseless, a pointless head-scratcher or just plain stupid, we’ll make sure you get to read it. Much like watching the film Breaking 2: Electric Boogaloo, one can find entertainment in the sports media for reasons its creators don’t intend.
Every two weeks we will compile a list of the most glaring examples of the brash, loudmouthed journalist that is taking over the sports media.
Jay Marriotti, Around the Horn
(On why Andruw Jones should win the NL MVP over Albert Pujols)
“The lineup around Albert Pujols is just loaded with people.”
Technically, Marriotti is right, the Cardinals lineup is loaded with “people”. The “people” just happen to be named Abraham Nunez, So Taguchi, John Rodriguez, Hector Luna, Scott Seabol and John Mabry, all who have received considerably playing time this season. Not exactly inviting pitchers to come after Albert.
Tim McCarver, Fox
(On Dusty Baker’s future with the Cubs)
“Why does the firing of the manager never make the same sense that the hiring did?”
Even Joe Buck told McCarver during the broadcast that he had no idea what the hell he was talking about.
Suzy Kolber, ESPN Sunday Night Football
(On Ben Roethlisberger’s celebrity status)
“How does it feel to go from relative unknown to the most recognizable face in Pittsburg and maybe even the country?"
Suzy, one has to be the most recognizable face in the NFL before he can be the most recognizable face in the country. There’s also this guy named George W Bush. He lives and works in the White House. Probably more recognizable than Ben.
Joe Thiesmann, ESPN Sunday Night Football
(On the TO saga)
“I just think we pay too much attention to one man when there are a lot of good players in the national football league.”
Joe, did you just listen to yourself? Are you sure? You can control it. It just so happens that you’re a color analyst for the worldwide sports leader. It should be noted that immediately following this quote, a poll flashed on the screen, ‘WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH T.O?’
Sean Salisbury, NFL Live (ESPN)
(On the excessive TO coverage)
“I’m bored with TO. I’m sick of it. It’s like Groundhog Day.”
Let’s go over this again Sean: you have the control over TO coverage. You are the sports media. Somewhere along the way, TV’s national sports media convinced itself that it isn’t the sports media. That’s like Al Roker telling us he’s sick to death of all the hurricane coverage. On a side note, I have developed an obsession with Sean Salisbury to the point that if he is on TV, I am watching because I find him to be hilarious.
Skip Bayless. First & Ten (ESPN)
(On Hines Ward)
“No he doesn’t deserve more money. He’s not even in the same league as (Plaxico) Burress or (Amani) Toomer… He’s an overachiever.”
Skip, you’re right. He’s not in the same league as those guys. In fact, he’s much better. In 2004, Ward was the only one to reach 1,000 yards out of the three. You can even compare three year averages: Ward 96 receptions, 1165 yards, 10 TD’s. Toomer: 65, 1049, 4. Burress: 58, 961, 5. The numbers don’t lie; but Skip Bayless sure does.
Mark Schlereth, NFL Live (ESPN)
(On TO’s web site response to the Eagles’ letter)
“It’s like ‘I’m a cocaine addict, but at least I’m not a drinker.”
It’s also like I’m a murderer, but I’m not a thief. What???
Rob Dibble, Foxsports.com
(On the steroid scandal)
“I am sick that ANY player needs to cheat to play the game of baseball. Now the rest of the players and former players have to try and defend the sport because someone is so selfish and greedy.” - August 1
“Can we all just wake up, and stop crying about baseball and stop trying to fix the world through baseball? Enjoy the game, it's a distraction, it's entertainment.” – August 11
In the span of 10 days Dibble apparently went from sick about baseball’s steroid problem to telling the world to wake up and stop crying about baseball because it’s nothing more than a distraction. Dibble’s opinions are about as consistent as his control was as a pitcher.
Mark Schlereth, NFL Live (ESPN)
(On the TO holdout)
”It’s like the old saying, you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.”
Again, I have no clue what this means. I am sure that one could catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but I don’t know how it applies to this situation. Perhaps Schlereth just likes to hear himself talk… Yeah, that’s probably right.
While there is no doubt that the potential content for this biweekly feature will be ample, occasionally we’ll have to take a break from watching TV so that we can go to work, play on the internet, talk to other humans, maybe even eat and shower; so we encourage everyone to keep their eyes and ears peeled for quotes that could be deemed worthy enough to be called a Stool Sample. If so, send any potential ridiculous quotes that you may come across to pgi@joesportsfan.com or and we’ll incorporate the best of every two weeks.