from the June 24, 2009 issue

Stool Samples

1. Gloucester Times - A Fort Square resident who police say has been canvassing the North Shore for women and girls willing to enter his pornographic video “contest” is behind bars on charges of harassment and soliciting children to pose nude or in sexual conduct. Evans “Roddy” Dick III was arrested in Salem on Wednesday after allegedly skipping out on the check from a meal at a Thai restaurant. In addition to graphic DVDs, the packages included letters signed by Dick asking the recipients to make their own videos and send them to him in exchange for prize money. The day after the first report of harassing phone calls, the mother of the 16-year-old delivered to police a package dropped off at her home containing a pornographic video, a check for $100 and a 10-page handwritten letter addressed to her daughter asking for 12 homemade videos capturing sexual acts. The letter said the contest had a “strong emphasis on sexually active children” and, in exchange for submitting videos of themselves, “contestants can win cash, sometimes a lot of it,” with prizes ranging from “$1,000 to $1 million.” The packet also contained a hand-written “consent” waiver form and around $3 in loose change.

Well I think I speak for smut publishers everywhere when I say nothing screams I mean business like 3 bucks in loose change. You wave that type of cash in front of a chick and what bitch wouldn’t at least contemplate doing porn. Unfortunately Mr. Dick got greedy. Sure he had all his consent forms and paperwork in order, but you can’t be skipping out on your bill at Thai restaurants in Salem. Seriously I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this trip up promising young smut peddlers. It’s the little things that they don’t teach you at Pervert School that can be the difference between being on Red Tube and in jail. Unfortunately Mr. Dick found that out the hard way.

2. People - Gisele Bündchen is expecting and “ecstatic,” sources tell PEOPLE. She is due early next year. Speculation has grown since pictures showing the supermodel in Brazil this week surfaced showing what seems to be a perceptible bump. Bündchen and New England Patriots quarterback husband Tom Brady were married twice this Spring – first in a ceremony in Los Angeles Feb. 26, then exchanging vows before friends in early April at Bündchen’s Costa Rica home. “Gisele will be an excellent mother,” a source tells PEOPLE. “She’s always wanted kids.” Reps for Bündchen reached by PEOPLE for confirmation refused to comment.

Well you knew this was only a matter of time. Ok so now that Gisele is officially knocked up the next question obviously becomes who’s next ? Because 3 Time superbowl champs don’t stick around for the getting fat and giving birth part. They just stay for the fucking part. Personally I’d like to see him take down Keyra Augustina. The chick is an internet legend but you never hear about her dating dudes or anything like that. She’s like a ghost. So I’d love to wake up one day and read on Hollywood Tuna that Brady impregnated the shit out of her. It would send shockwaves across the world and be good for at 10 pts a game. Maybe 14.

3. Bostonherald - Boston Mayor Thomas M. Menino - seeking to downplay the disbanding of the nation’s oldest police mounted unit this month - squashed the last ride the elite squad planned to take aboard their horses on their city beats yesterday and ordered them to stay in the stable, the officers say. The 10 cops, who had T-shirts made up that read “Last Ride 6/17/09: The Tradition Ends” and featured the year 1870 when the BPD Mounted Unit was formed, were ordered not to make the planned patrol from the Jamaica Plain barn at Allandale Farm to Jamaica Pond; the Fenway area and down Boylston Street to downtown Boston. The 150-year-old unit, which patrols the Boston Public Gardens and other highly visible spots, has fallen to the budget ax. The 11 horses are due to be shipped to New York City for use by the NYPD mounted division. Menino’s spokeswoman Dot Joyce said that she was not aware that a final ride had been planned by the BPD unit, and when asked about the order not to leave Allandale Farm, she said: “I don’t know anything about that.”

4. NYPOST - First it was Babe Ruth. Now Mr. Ed. Boston’s taking a beating once again at the hands of the Big Apple, which is set to trot off with the cream of the beleaguered city’s recently disbanded police horse unit. “Boston’s loss is New York’s gain,” gloated one NYPD source.Sources said the NYPD will be getting the five best out of the 12 steed pack that remains from the country’s oldest mounted units, established in 1873. “These horses are already trained and street-ready,” said the NYPD source.

Shit Menino. It’s one thing to cancel the Mounted Unit’s last ride, but now NY is rubbing our fucking faces in the fact they’re getting our best fucking horses! Totally unacceptable! I mean this almost erases the fact we’ve beaten them 8 straight times. Seriously stop acting like this is still the 1990’s when New York dominated our asses and we threw parades for guys who won championships in other cities. Times change. You’re the Mayor of Titletown USA now. Start acting like it. So I don’t care what you have to do, but we’re not getting rid of our Mounted Unit. Raise taxes. Stop eating so many donuts. Whatever. And not only that, but I want New York to send us their best stallions just to show them we mean business. Fuck them. Nobody takes our best horses and gets away with it. Not on my watch! And if you can’t do it then I’ll run for Mayor and do it myself.

5. NYPOST - A substitute gym teacher turned into a schoolyard bully after he got into a fight with an 11-year-old Westchester student over a dodgeball game, called him a “crybaby,” and put him in a chokehold, New Rochelle police said. Daniel Sanabria, 58, of New Rochelle, denied putting the boy in a chokehold and said he didn’t call him any names. “I was attacked by a third-grader,” Sanabria told The Post yesterday. The ball brawl began in the gym of the Daniel Webster Elementary School on Friday when, during a game of dodgeball, Sanabria ruled the student out. “[The boy] insisted he was never out,” Sanabria said. “He wouldn’t sit out when I asked him to.” The boy’s homeroom teacher arrived to escort the student to the principal’s office. But things escalated when “the kid was walking away, and the gym teacher started calling him things like ‘a big baby’ and ‘crybaby,’ ” Detective Thomas Leak told the Journal News yesterday. Sanabria “pushes the student’s head into a wall, then throws him onto the ground,” Capt. Joseph Schaller, of the New Rochelle Police Department, told The Post. “He picks him up from the ground by wrapping his arm around his neck and body, causing the student substantial pain.” Sanabria, who described the student as “a slight little guy, like me,” insists he said “nothing” as the boy was leaving the gym. “As he was being walked away by his homeroom teacher . . . my back was away from him when he ran up to me; he started punching and kicking me. “I turned around, and I warded him off with my hands. I grabbed his foot, secured him and gave him to the teacher in the hallway,” said Sanabria, who said he had scratch marks on his chest. “I never choked a child,” Sanabria insisted. “I acted to promote the welfare of both of us.”

Listen we can sit here and argue all day long about who did what. But what everybody seems to agree on is that this kid was called out in dodgeball and then refused to sit down. Only scumbags do that. So in my book everything that occurred after this is just semantics. Bottom-line is that this substitute teacher did what he had to do. He got this crybaby out of the game and more importantly taught this brat a life lesson about sports. When the ref says you’re out….you’re out. If you argue prepare to be heckled and ejected from the game. So if anything we should be praising Substitue Teacher Daniel Sanabria for being a role model for gym teachers everywhere. Maybe if there were more guys like this then kids wouldn’t throw a tantrum every time they disagreed with a call.

6. NYPOST - A substitute gym teacher turned into a schoolyard bully after he got into a fight with an 11-year-old Westchester student over a dodgeball game, called him a “crybaby,” and put him in a chokehold, New Rochelle police said. Daniel Sanabria, 58, of New Rochelle, denied putting the boy in a chokehold and said he didn’t call him any names. “I was attacked by a third-grader,” Sanabria told The Post yesterday. The ball brawl began in the gym of the Daniel Webster Elementary School on Friday when, during a game of dodgeball, Sanabria ruled the student out. “[The boy] insisted he was never out,” Sanabria said. “He wouldn’t sit out when I asked him to.” The boy’s homeroom teacher arrived to escort the student to the principal’s office. But things escalated when “the kid was walking away, and the gym teacher started calling him things like ‘a big baby’ and ‘crybaby,’ ” Detective Thomas Leak told the Journal News yesterday. Sanabria “pushes the student’s head into a wall, then throws him onto the ground,” Capt. Joseph Schaller, of the New Rochelle Police Department, told The Post. “He picks him up from the ground by wrapping his arm around his neck and body, causing the student substantial pain.” Sanabria, who described the student as “a slight little guy, like me,” insists he said “nothing” as the boy was leaving the gym. “As he was being walked away by his homeroom teacher . . . my back was away from him when he ran up to me; he started punching and kicking me. “I turned around, and I warded him off with my hands. I grabbed his foot, secured him and gave him to the teacher in the hallway,” said Sanabria, who said he had scratch marks on his chest. “I never choked a child,” Sanabria insisted. “I acted to promote the welfare of both of us.”

7. NEW YORK — Irene Prusik has been dead for six years. But in April, someone showed up at the Department of Motor Vehicles in Brooklyn to renew her driver’s license. The explanation given by prosecutors rivals the Hitchcock classic “Psycho”: It was her son, in drag. Thomas Parkin, 49, was charged Wednesday in the bizarre plot to impersonate his deceased mother so he could collect $117,000 in government benefits. He and the man accused of being his accomplice, Mhilton Rimolo, pleaded not guilty to grand larceny, criminal impersonation and other charges. Parkin, who lived with his mother, was accused of hatching the scheme after she passed away in 2003 at age 73. The ruse began to unravel amid a dispute over the mother’s home, which was sold at foreclosure in 2003. Parkin challenged the purchase by suing the new owner on his mother’s behalf so he wouldn’t be evicted. By the time investigators arranged a meeting with the family in May, they already had proof Prusik was dead: a photo of her tombstone in a local cemetery. The investigators played along as Parkin showed up for the interview “wearing a red cardigan, lipstick, manicured nails and breathing through an oxygen tank,” prosecutors said.

Well we can argue until we’re blue in the face about whether or not impersonating your dead mother to collect $117,000 in retirement benefits should be illegal or not, but that’s a different blog for a different day. Bottom line is it’s not original anymore. Sure, the oxygen tank was a nice touch, but by my count now, this is like the 5th story in the last year about people pulling this exact same stunt. It’s like the Pats a few years ago running that stupid Wide Receiver screen pass every time on 1st down. I mean at some point the defense is going to catch on. Same thing goes for impersonating your dead mother at the DMV to try and collect her retirement benefits. If you want to be successful, you’re going to have to learn to make adjustments.

8. Telegraph - A woman has cancelled her church wedding and country house reception after discovering her fiance is a secret porn star. Haylie Hocking, 27, only found out that strapping 30-year-old fitness fanatic Jason Brake made adult films just weeks before the big day. A friend organising her hen night searched online for a male stripper and spotted Jason with a woman in a porn movie. Now Haylie has called her vicar to cancel the wedding. She said: “There was no way I could marry an adult film star.” She told a magazine she found he was a romantic, thoughtful and passionate lover and six months after meeting he moved into her flat in Bristol. Jason, who regularly bought her flowers and jewellery, often went away at weekends, telling her he was training clients in a gym. After eight months, he proposed and bought her a diamond engagement ring. But Jason’s secret emerged when Haylie’s friend Lisa tried to book a stripper for a hen party. Haylie checked the website - and realised it was Jason. After he finally admitted he was earning money from making porn, she called off the wedding. Haylie said: “I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust a man again.” “I am sorry and did not want to hurt her. I still love Haylie and would have stopped doing porn if she had asked me to.” He added that he would be honest with women in future relationships.

So now this guy decides that he is going to be honest with women in future relationships? Umm talk about the sending the wrong message here. I mean what is being honest going to do for you? Because without the porn gig suddenly there isn’t the big diamond ring, the flowers and the romantic getaways and you’re out on your ass anyway. See that’s the thing with bitches. They’re never satisfied. They think everybody is Richard Branson or something. So I’m sorry but being honest isn’t the answer. It’s just about being a better liar. You have a sidejob as a porn star? That’s cool. Just don’t put your real picture up there or better yet wear a mask. It’s smut 101 really. But you don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater. Lying and making money good. Getting caught bad.

9. Florida (where else?) - They don’t call Marlon T. Moore “X-Large” for nothing. Back in December 2007, Moore, a 38-year-old Miami resident, walked out of the federal pen in Coleman, Florida after serving a six year sentence on felony money laundering charges as part of a cocaine smuggling ring. Soon after his release, Moore embarked upon a truly brilliant criminal enterprise: He did his taxes. It may not sound like much of a crime. But “X-Large” Moore — one of several aliases he used, including Dammon Green and Tyrone Moore — wasn’t exactly noting a few dependents and asking for a refund. In separate filings, Moore asked for $5,959,000,000,000 and $2,975,000,000,000. A third form rounded up and asked for another $6,000,000,000,000. (That’s $5 trillion, $2.97 trillion and $6 trillion, for the math averse). Just for good measure, Moore allegedly filled out a final U.S. Individual Income Tax Return Form 1040 asking for $10 million. If the IRS had accepted Moore’s claims, the payout would have exceeded the U.S. national debt. They did not. Moore was indicted today on four counts of submitting false claims and impeding due administration of tax laws.

Look, everyone cheats on their taxes to some extent. Maybe you don’t claim some tip money or deduct dry cleaning expenses for work clothes you wash at home or you over value the stuff you dropped off at Goodwill. So let’s not all condemn my man X-Large here because there are no virgins when it comes to this. Clearly it wasn’t what X-Large tried to claim, it was how much. And that’s the real trick of doing your taxes. Trying to get the most you can without sending up any red flags and getting your ass audited. Well now we know that $14 trillion is too much. We still don’t know for sure what the ceiling is… maybe if X had just claimed $13 trillion or $13.5 the bean counters might not have noticed and just cut him a check… but he had to get greedy and overdo it and it cost him. Like Bob Dylan said “Steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king. Claim $14 trillion on your 1040 and they’ll throw away the key.” Lesson learned.

10. Boston.com - Mayor Thomas M. Menino made an extraordinary statement today at the base of the Bunker Hill monument, speaking on the very spot of that bloody struggle 234 years ago that marked a turning point in the American Revolution. “These youngsters over here aren’t taught that in school any more,” Menino said as he gestured toward a group 80 children from two nearby Boston public grammar schools. “And so we are losing part of that American history.” However, curriculum– outlined by the state Department of Education strongly suggests that Massachusetts students learn about the battle. In fact, the state recommends that third graders should be able to explain the “important political, economic, and military developments leading to and during the American Revolution.” The guidelines make specific reference to one major military engagement of the Revolution: the Battle of Bunker Hill. The mayor’s spokeswoman, Dot Joyce, clarified his comments when asked after the speech, noting that “I think what he means in the greater context,” Joyce said, “is that in the hectic world we live in, we need to stop and reflect on the history in our own back yard.”

Imagine being the Mayor’s spokesman? I mean the shit that Dot Joyce must have to come up with on a daily basis must be insane. Menino meant that students aren’t taught about the Battle of Bunker Hill in greater context? What does that even mean? Like how it relates to them eating a meatball sub or something? Fucking hilarious. Seriously how is it possible that this guy is still the mayor of Boston? There must be something I don’t know right? Because it’s not just that he’s a horrible public speaker, but he seems like a genuine idiot. Like it wouldn’t’ t surprise me if it turned out he even had a touch of down syndrome or something. So what am I missing with this guy? How does he keep getting elected?

11. FORT WORTH, Texas (AP) – Former major league outfielder Mel Hall was found guilty Tuesday of sexually assaulting a 12-year-old girl he coached on an elite basketball team a decade ago… Hall’s accuser, now 23, testified Monday that Hall engaged in sex acts with her in various places, including her home and Hall’s apartment… Hall was impressed with the girl’s talent and wanted to start a basketball team, according to testimony. Soon, he was giving the girl private lessons and stayed in the family home while he was apparently building a house in a nearby suburb. The woman testified that Hall first exposed himself to her and her younger brother at home, when their parents were away. The boy testified that he thought they were playing a game and never told his parents. Hall’s interaction with the girl progressed to inappropriate touching and him showing her how to perform oral sex, she testified. She said he also showed her pornographic movies at an apartment Hall shared with his girlfriend and their infant son.

So this explains it. I’ve been wondering why, in all the dust-up over David Letterman telling a joke about ARod knocking up Sarah Palin’s 14 year old daughter, we’ve only heard from Palin’s side. We haven’t heard word one from the Yankees complaining about a joke implying that one of their star players is into statutory rape and that seemed really odd to me. Think about it. If he’d made that crack about one of the Sox players raping underage girls, John Henry would be Twittering his indignation and Larry Lucchino would be waterboarding Letterman until he got a written apology and a million dollars to the Jimmy Fund. But the silence out of the Bronx has been deafening and now we know why. Because the Yankees have a long tradition of just this sort of thing. Pedophilia is part of the Yankee lore apparently like pinstripes, Yogi Berra stories and Babe Ruth’s alcoholic whoremongering. I’m sure once he gets out, Mel will get a warm round of applause at the Yankees Old Timers Game.

12. TheWest.com - Drink spiking is largely a myth and far more likely to be an excuse young women use after they become heavily intoxicated, according to WA research. A Perth study of suspected drink spiking victims found claims of being given sedatives or illicit drugs without consent are exaggerated and that alcohol is often the real culprit. Almost nine out of 10 cases were women and almost 60 per cent of those were under the age of 25. QEII Medical Centre clinical toxicologist Mark Little said the findings did not support the public perception of sedatives being placed by men into the drinks of women for the purpose of sexual assault or robbing them. The study also showed that many people remained in denial, with more than a third still believing they had been victims of drink spiking, irrespective of test results which disproved this.

It’s about fucking time science did something useful. I swear every time a chick passes out, makes an ass out of herself, hooks up with an ugly dude, gets drilled in the bathroom they claim it’s always because they got roofied. It’s like 60% of the chicks that go out in Faneuil Hall are getting drugged on a nightly basis or something. It’s crazy. But in the past you could never flat out accuse a chick of lying about it because you couldn’t prove it. Well now we can. Listen honey, the reason you blacked out and did an Eiffel Tower with 2 dudes isn’t because they slipped something in you drink. It’s because you’re a slampig who can’t hold your alcohol and loves dick. That’s not me talking. That’s science.

13. JALALABAD, Afghanistan (Reuters) - Taliban fighters beat musicians, shaved their heads and left them tied to trees overnight because they performed at an Afghan wedding, a village tribal chief said Monday, a sign of the fighters’ growing influence. While in power from 1996-2001, the Taliban banned music as un-Islamic. The militants have returned to areas in the east and south of the country, where violence has sharply spiked in recent years. They attack government officials, Afghan police, foreign troops and schools that teach girls, another practice they forbid. “A party was going on when a group of Taliban grabbed five musicians and started beating them and smashing their musical instruments,” said Rahmatullah Khan, a head of Merke Khel village in the east of the country. “The musicians were tied up with rope to trees last night and villagers found them in the morning when going out for prayers,” Khan said. Khan said Taliban fighters shaved the heads of the musicians and made them take oaths in the presence of villagers that they would not sing or play music at weddings again.

Hey, where was the freaking Taliban a few months ago at the Somerville Holiday Inn? People were barely even dancing by the end of the night. I mean besides the disco ball and fancy cake, you would’ve thought it was a funeral instead of a wedding. It was like the band just decided to suck for whatever reason. No “September”, no “Brick House”, all we got was a half-assed version of “Footloose” to end the night. Now, if that wedding happened to be in Islamabad that day, needless to say, things would’ve been different. #1, they wouldn’t have attempted “Footloose” and #2, they would’ve wound up tied to a tree at the end of the night. Let’s face it, you have to tip your hat to the Taliban in this situation. You can’t get your money back, you’ve already paid them. Band sucks at your wedding? Boom, Taliban. It’s the only threat you’ve got.

14. MUNCIE — Here’s a tip if you find yourself in conflict with Yorktown resident Robert Henry Stahl.Keep your mouth shut. For the second time in seven months, Stahl — a former tavern owner and onetime candidate for Delaware County sheriff — has been convicted of battery in a case that saw him yank false teeth from the mouth of his victim. Victim Robert E. Hollars, 50, told authorities “Stahl then ran up to me while my wife and I were sitting on our motorcycle, grabbed my head, and was trying to jam his thumb into my mouth with his other hand on the other side of my mouth trying to get my mouth open, telling me to give him my (expletive) teeth.” Hollars said Stahl was able to pry his mouth open and then extracted a partial dental plate, in the process breaking the device and also chipping three of the victim’s teeth.Four weeks later, on Nov. 12, Stahl pleaded guilty to another misdemeanor battery charge, this one resulting from his removal of another man’s false teeth in July 2007. In that case, victim Billie Townsend, 56, told police Stahl punched him and put him in a headlock during a quarrel in a Yorktown alley, then reached into his mouth and pulled out his full set of dentures. Stahl told him, “You ain’t getting these back,” and walked off with his false teeth.

Well it looks like we found our winner for the “I Don’t Fuck Around Award” of the week. I mean it’s one thing to beat mothefuckers up, but to rip their false teeth out and keep it as prize? That’s when you know somebody means business. It would be on thing if this guy needed the teeth, but he doesn’t. He just hangs them on his wall like a trophy or something. And this is precisely why I don’t fight guys who were in Nam. They’ll fuck your shit up so bad you won’t even know what happened. You’ll just be sitting there toothless crying in your soup wondering what happened.

PS - I have no idea whether this guy was really in Vietnam or not but at the same time is there really any doubt?

15. WEST BURLINGTON, Iowa (AP) - An umpire has emptied the stands at a high school baseball game, ejecting the entire crowd of more than 100 fans for being unruly. Umpire Don Briggs said he had no problem with any of the student athletes during Thursday’s game between Winfield-Mount Union and West Burlington. He said he had to take action because fans were being unruly, yelling and arguing, and called police as a precaution. However, West Burlington superintendent James Sleister said he didn’t see any unusual behavior and said he thought the umpire overreacted.

And so another blow is struck in the battle to pussify America. This is how our manhood dies: to the sounds of silence coming from empty bleachers. The mythological American Male… that guy who tamed the wild frontier and built the Hoover Dam by mule team and dug the Grand Canyon… might not be dead yet, but he’s on Queer Street and facing a Standing 8 count. Nice job, West Burlington, Iowa; way to prepare your high schoolers for life. By showing them that no one will ever get on them, ride them, root for them to fail or give them crap. That life is one big Tee Ball game where everyone they compete against will yell “Nice try, Timmy!” every time they screw up. There’s no doubt in my mind that Don Briggs was a failure an athletic failure in school who got heckled from the stands and went home crying and this is his way of dealing with the disappointing way his miserable life has turned out. I hate to say this, but we have got to be the only country in the world who’d put up with this. If the ref in some soccer-crazed foreign country tried to pull a move like this, they’d burn the stands to the ground and roast his dismembered remains over the flames.

16. Inside Track - That former Playboy Playmate of the Year Brande Roderick revealed that she could use the, er, booby prize given away at The Estate the other night. Brande, who was on hand to congratulate the winner of breast augmentation surgery, courtesy of Dr. Joseph Russo of Newton, confessed that her own implants are “10 years old” and could use a little freshening up! The grand prize winner, Corinne Gallaghar, was chosen based on crowd response. Congrats, we guess . . . .

So local flat chested girl Corrine Gallaghar won a free boob job at a party at Estate. Apparently she had the distinction of being the hottest chick with no tits at the event. This naturally raises the age old question of whether Corrine should go through with the surgery. My answer is a resounding no. Now granted I’d love to see more pictures of her to help with my decision, but so far my facebook requests has gone unanswered, but I digress. The bottom line is that I’m almost always against chicks getting fake books. I mean it would be one thing if we were talking about Corrine going from a negative A cup to a B cup, but I feel like the majority of girls who get fakes end up with freaky huge bazookas. I just don’t get it. It’s almost like girls are getting bad advice on what guys like. It’s all about staying proportionate. As long as you have a cute face and a killer ass the size of your breasts don’t matter. Bottom-line is nobody wants to date a chick that look like a porn star and 9 out of 10 times that’s what fake tits end up doing to a bitch. So from the bottom of my heart I’m urging chicks to lay off the fake cha-chas.

17. As Dusk turned to dawn in the wee hours of Saturday morning, the Astrovan, the symbol of Barstool Sports and freedom in this country was boosted from the parking lot where I live right under my nose. A more devious, diabolical and ruthless crime these eyes have never seen. Because make no mistake about it. An attack on the President’s motorcade is as good as attack on the nation itself. I’ve been holding a one man candlelight vigil at Stool HQ’s for the past 24 hours hoping for some news… any news. Unfortunately as every minute ticks by the likelihood of me ever hearing the sweet sound of my Astrovan’s voice seems to fade . But rest assured my appetite for vengeance does not. So to whatever madman/feminist/fat person that did this, hear me loud and clear; If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career of smut publishing. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my Astrovan go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will embarrass you with a barrage of saracastic/witty/cruel assaults using twitter, facebook, myspace, and everything else at my disposal that will make you wish you were never were born in the Internet era. So the choice is yours. We can do this the easy way or we can do it the hard way. All I want is my baby back in one piece.

18. ESPN - Red Sox owner John Henry used his Twitter account to ask if the Yankees are cursed by Mark Teixeira. This offseason, Teixeira spurned Boston for the Yankees’ eight-year, $180 million deal. “How old is Mr. Henry?” Teixeira asked of Henry, who is 59. “There is no reason for me to get into any war of words with some 70-something-year-old man. It doesn’t make sense.” The Teixeira-Red Sox discord dates back to 1998 when Teixeira declined to sign with Boston out of high school. It continued this offseason when the Red Sox appeared to be the favorites to sign him before the Yankees swooped in. After the latest Red Sox win over the Yankees, Henry wrote on his Twitter account, “the MT Curse?” In an e-mail to 1050 ESPN New York, Henry said of Mark Teixeira’s response to his curse Tweet, “I thought it was very thoughtful.” Henry added, “But seriously that’s all theatre. He is certainly one of the best players in the game. Tremendous hitter, great first baseman. A great sign for the Yankees. And he has a great sense of humor.”Teixeira did not seem amused by the implication. “Everybody knows the Yankees paid the most,” Teixeira said. “This is a business. It was a family decision and a business decision. They can have their opinions — that’s fine. I made the best decision for me, and it’s worked out great.” “You guys make that decision,” Teixeira said when describing his actions compared to Henry’s. “Whose reputation looks better? “I met with 12 teams. If 11 owners want to take shots at me, that’s fine.”

Fucking John Henry. Stop tweeting dude! Stop emailing. Stop talking. Just shut up. Your 59 years old. Act like it. Yeah, I know it’s his team and he can do whatever he wants, but why can’t he just be a silent owner? Why do all three of the bozos in our ownership group constantly feel the need to be in the headlines, on tv, on the radio and act like they’re the hippest fucking people in the world? Because I don’t care how many titles this team wins, they’re not from here and they’ll never be from here. So sorry if I don’t want a bunch of carpet baggers who still can’t drive from the North End to Fenway without getting lost constantly talking about what it means to be from New England or in this case stoking the fire of the Yankees vs. Sox rivalry with curse talk. Leave that shit to me and just shut up already. Nobody wants your opinion on anything baseball related or Boston related. Just sign the checks and stay creepy in the background.

19. Espn - A baseball official told 1050 ESPN Radio in New York that the Yankees called the commissioner’s office Friday to ask that Brad Penny be suspended for hitting Alex Rodriguez in the back during the first inning of Thursday night’s Red Sox win. “Penny’s control was pretty good,” Girardi said. “I thought it was on purpose. That is all part of baseball.” “It seems like there is always the feeling that if someone intentionally throws at someone they are going to be suspended,” Girardi said. “I don’t care for it. I don’t care for hitting him in that situation. That’s my opinion. I’m not 100 percent right, for sure, that he threw at him on purpose. That’s my feeling. That’s up to the commissioner’s office.”

Brad Penny’s Response

“I don’t give two shits what Joe Girardi says,” “I’m coming inside. I don’t care. “Anybody can say that. We can say that about the time they hit our guys. I’m just trying to pitch inside. Maybe he should worry about managing and not trying to be the commissioner.”Why wouldn’t he say that the night before? Don’t wait a day, then say it. He should worry about managing and let the umpire crew do their job.”

Just when you think the Yankees couldn’t sink any lower. Just when you think they couldn’t become any more pathetic. Just when you think it could get any more embarrassing to be a Yankee fan, they do the impossible and plummet even further into the abyss. I mean did Joe Girardi really write an email to Bud Selig asking for him to punish Brad Penny for hitting Arod? Let’s forget that the Yankees have hit like 10 Red Sox compared to us hitting like 3 or 4 over this stretch of domination. That doesn’t even matter. It’s the fact that when you just got your face beaten in for the 8th straight time you don’t say anything. You just shut up and slink out of town with your tail between your legs. You don’t complain. You don’t tattle. You don’t run to the commissioners office like a little pussy and try to get somebody in trouble. You can’t handle your business on the field? Tough shit. Get better. Period. But don’t act like a spineless 10 year old girl and complain to the league. I’d like to say this is the last refuge of a desperate man, but it’s way past that. It’s the actions of a beaten, destroyed and helpless franchise that has nothing left but to grasp as straws and look for somebody to protect them from getting beaten up and their lunch money stolen every day.

20. SALEM — A drunken argument early Saturday over a $10 bar tab ended with a man intentionally hitting two people with his car and damaging the victims’ house and lawn decorations, police said. Police said Andrew Monzon, 23, of Andover, Mass., and an unidentified 35-year-old friend got into an argument over a $10 bar tab after a night of drinking. While the man stood in his driveway at 64 Kelly Road, Monzon drove his Nissan Maxima into him, flipping the victim onto the hood of the car, Salem police Capt. Shawn Patten said. Monzon briefly left the scene, but returned a few minutes later to intentionally drive into the home’s garage door, light post and lawn — destroying several garden statues in the process, police said. The first victim’s father then came out of the house and Monzon hit him with the car. Salem emergency personnel were called to the house at 2:15 a.m. Saturday. About the same time officers went to the house, Monzon was pulled over by police while he was driving south on Route 28. Monzon was charged with two counts of first-degree assault, one count of reckless conduct, one count of criminal mischief and one count of driving while intoxicated. Monzon’s bail was set at $5,000 pending arraignment.

Bail was set at $5,000? That’s it? How is that possible? Forget about running over the victim and the victim’s father here. Forget about the fact this argument stemmed over a $10 bar tab. Did the judge not hear the part about when he smashed what was surely pink flamingos on his friends lawn? That’s fucking diabolical. I mean you got to be a real lunatic to pull a stunt like that. Maybe even crazier than people who have lawn statues in the first place. But that’s a different debate for a different day.

21. PORTSMOUTH — A Mass. woman is being held on $1,000 cash bail after she was seen going into a “port-o-potty” with a man who had a restraining order against her, say police. According to an affidavit by Officer Timothy McCain, Mackey came to police attention on June 10 at 8:49 p.m. when a caller reported seeing a man and a woman enter a portable bathroom on a construction site at the old Lafayette School on Monroe Street. “A passerby reported seeing a male and a female exit a parked car and enter the latrine together,” according to the affidavit. “Due to the time of night and the fact that the construction site was closed to the public, the reporting party believed this was suspicious in nature.” “When we were in the port-o-potty, we weren’t doing anything nasty,” Mackey told Judge Sawako Gardner. “I just had surgery and I was holding onto him. No one wants to fall into a port-o-potty.”

Listen I’ve been around the block enough to know that when a chick says she wasn’t doing the nasty in a Port o Potty that means she was totally face down ass up getting the shit drilled out of her. (No pun intended but totally intended) Not to mention the fact she went in there with somebody who had a restraining order against her. Cmon! It’s Port O Potty Restraining order Conjugal sex 101.

PS - This lady needs a lesson in putting out. I mean how do you let this guy fuck you in a Port O Potty without at least getting the restraining order withdrawn first? Fucking bitches. So stupid it’s like taking pussy from a baby sometimes.

22. BOSTON (AP) — The New York Times Co. appears interested in getting rid of The Boston Globe, hiring investment bank Goldman Sachs to manage a potential sale of a newspaper that has plummeted in value since its purchase in 1993, the Globe reported Wednesday. The Globe, citing two potential buyers it did not name, said Goldman Sachs would request bids for the 137-year-old newspaper in the next couple of weeks. The Times Co. previously announced it had hired the investment bank to sell its 17.5% stake in the Boston Red Sox and related sports properties.The Times Co. bought the Globe in 1993 for $1.1 billion — the highest price ever paid for a single American newspaper — from the Taylor family, who had controlled the newspaper for more than a century. Now some industry analysts say the Times Co. is trying to make the Globe leaner and more attractive for potential buyers — at far lower prices.In 2006, the Times Co. rejected a proposal from retired General Electric Chief Executive Jack Welch and others to buy the Globe. At the time, the newspaper was valued at $550 million to $600 million. In a December research note, Barclays Capital credit analyst Hale Holden valued the Globe at $12 million to $20 million.Thomas Kochan, director of the Institute for Work and Employment Research at Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s Sloan School of Management, said a potential sale could come at a greatly reduced price — and could mean drastic cuts in the Globe’s work force.

I want to make sure I understand this correctly. The Globe was bought for 1.1 billion dollars in 1993. They turned down an offer for 550 million in 2006. Now they are worth 12 million? Are you thinking what I’m thinking? If I hold out for another couple months I may have a shot at buying this thing. No I don’t have millions of dollars, but what I lack for in cash I more than make up for in hats. Don’t laugh. The way this thing is going that may be the best offer the Globe gets. And I already know how I’d turn it around too. First thing I’d do is fire that fat union guy . He just has bad news written all over him. Yeah I know that technically the owner of the company can’t fire Union people , but just ask Manzo, Jerry, UB and Chisholm how I deal with unions. They tried to create a Writers Guild back in the summer of 07 and I smashed that shit to smithereens so fast it wasn’t even funny. My next move would be to fire all the fat bitches. I’m guessing they got a ton of them over there at Morrissey Blvd. Nothing keeps spirits down like fat chicks. It just kills company morale. So if you’re not a 7 or better and willing to suck cock I’d want your papers on my desk 24 hours after the papers are signed. I’m telling you with a couple simple moves like this I could have the Globe back in the black in no time. And no I wouldn’t fire Shank. I’d just make him my gopher. He could get me my coffee, sit in the back of the Astrovan and ship shirts and crap like that. It would be kind of fun to kick him around for a couple months.

23. Boston, Massachusetts - June 11, 2009 – Ramiro Torres will join Jim Rice and Tom Caron delivering post game coverage on Granite City Electric Red Sox Final Post Game Show. The show delivers more feedback from the Red Sox locker room and a look ahead at the next day’s match-ups. “I can’t wait to get started. I have been a red sox fan my whole life and to be a part of this show is a dream come true”, says Torres on joining Granite City Electric Red Sox Final Post Game Show. Ramiro Torres will be making his first appearance on the show Thursday, June 11th, after the Red Sox/Yankees game at 7:10 PM. Currently, Torres is the host of the Ramiro and Pebbles Morning Show at the #1 hip hop station in Boston, Jamn 94.5 at Clear Channel Communications. Torres is also host of the Weekend Top 30 Countdown, a nationally syndicated weekend countdown show.

I swear to God when I got this press release today from Jamn 94.5 I looked at my calendar to make sure it wasn’t April Fools Day. Unfortunately it’s not. It’s June 10th and Ramiro from the Ramiro and Pebbles Morning Show is really joining NESN for post game Red Sox coverage. Are you as confused by this as I am? I mean how did The Freakin Puerto Rican beat out Hustle Simmons and Romeo from Kiss? Those guys seem like no brainers for this gig, but Ramiro? Sorry I just don’t see it.

24. Yahoo - Adam Lambert finally confirms his sexuality in the new issue of Rolling Stone (on stands tomorrow).“I don’t think it should be a surprise for anyone to hear that I’m gay,” the American Idol runner-up says.”I’m proud of my sexuality,” continues the rocker, who was photographed holding hands with interior designer Drake LaBry earlier this month. “I embrace it. It’s just another part of me.” But Lambert, 27, from San Diego — who performed Sam Cooke’s “A Change Is Gonna Come” on the Idol finale — says he’s not the poster boy for gay rights. “I’m trying to be a singer, not a civil rights leader,” he tells RS contributor Vanessa Grigoriadis.

Adam Lambert has the gay! WHAT?!! Is nothing sacred anymore? I mean just when you think you know a guy he drops a bomb on you like this. I would have said it was impossible if I didn’t read it with my own two eyes. Now I know what everybody is thinking. Does this change my opinion of him? Well the answer is a resounding no. Sure I would have preferred he be more forthcoming instead of hiding behind all his false male bravado during American Idol, but that was his decision. The bottom line is that El Presidente fully supports any gay that uses their gayness to entertain me. So if that means Adam Lambert needs a steady diet of cock to hit those high notes then I say eat up my friend. Eat up.

25. Bostonherald - A teenage stripper who claims she gave a lap dance to one high school teacher and was smitten by another is threatening to sue her school for letting her taboo affair flourish, her lawyer told the Herald. Elaine Ivanowski, 19, of Hubbardston should have been given help when word got out she was dating John Monfredo Jr., 36, starting in her junior year at Quabbin Regional High School in Barre, said her lawyer, Richard J. Rafferty. Instead, a teacher she confided in about the torrid relationship asked her out, while another stopped into the Centerfolds club where she works for a lap dance, he said. “It created a hostile environment,” Rafferty said. Ivanowski, according to Rafferty, professed her love to Monfredo in a letter when she was 18 and a junior. Last summer she began having an affair with the married Monfredo, her lawyer said. Monfredo told the Worcester Telegram & Gazette he was in love with his former student, but did not know whether school administrators were aware of the tryst. Rafferty accuses school officials of allowing Ivanowski to remain in a relationship she should have been protected from.“You can say she was an exotic dancer and she was 18, but it was not an equal relationship,” Rafferty said. School officials should have removed Monfredo from the classroom, Rafferty said. Ivanowski suffered from such severe anxiety that she was unable to take exams, and the school banned her from participating in last weekend’s graduation ceremony, her lawyer said.

Dude how stupid is the teacher who asked this chick out? You don’t ask strippers out on dates like this. You do what the other teacher did. You just show up at Centerfolds. You get a couple lap dances first. You wine and dine her in the club. You give her big tips. You listen to all her problems and dreams as she’s grinding her ass into your junk. You let her tell you how she’s just working at the club to make enough money to pay for college. In other words you build a relationship first and then and only then do you ask her out. Everybody knows that’s how you get to fuck a stripper/student. Instead this guy hears how she’s banging Mr. Monfredo and how she works at Centerfolds and then he basically jizzes himself and is instantly like “Umm you want to make out now?” That’s fucking rookie ball dude. Act like you’ve been there before. Quabbin Regional bet step it up mother fucker because this wouldn’t even make the back pages in Florida.

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