Stool Samples

Baseball season is so close, we can almost smell the fresh grass, taste the draft beer and hear the idiotic comments from Steve Phillips.

Since the former Mets GM has joined ESPN, he and Stool Samples crew have created a complex love-hate relationship involving numerous pictures of a fake press conference.  We fully expect 2009 to be yet another memorable summer filled with Phillips' zany opinions and his perfectly groomed facial hair.

Just as the players are gearing up for the season in Florida, we too are gearing up for our 6-month one-way exchange with Steve-O and just to get us primed, he gave us a small nugget to chew on from his seat as the analyst during a World Baseball Classic game between the Netherlands and the Dominican Republic.  It was small and not terribly controversial, but it reminded us that we better perk up our ears because it’s only going to get better from here…

“My opinion, the best player in the National League.  He can do everything that can impact a game” – Steve Phillips speaking of Marlins SS, Hanley Ramirez.

Call us homers, Steve, but that Pujols guy is pretty good too.  Considering he had a better batting average, slugging percentage and on base percentage, more homeruns, rbi, doubles, walks, less strikeouts and also plays substantially better defense than Hanley, we think we’ve got a pretty good case.

Ah, good to have you back, Mr. Phillips.

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth

“However, (West Virginia coach Bob Huggins) can not wear that suit that makes him look like 300 lbs of butter running up and down the sidelines” – Bobby Knight on Huggins’ yellow suit

The beauty of this quote is that it was funny and that Bobby Knight didn’t even crack a smile when he said it.
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"(Ty) Lawson is so close to a triple double. He has 10 points, 9 assists and 8 rebounds." - Jim Nantz

Even closer to a double-double, Jim.
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"They've got three former general managers (Walker, Bonifay, Bavasi). That's a pretty good brain trust up there." - Dusty Baker

Someone should kindly tell Dusty that Bill Bavasi was a horrible general manager - and part of the reason the Mariners lost $4.5 million in '08. We guess that
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"On the field, he's going to create, or need, a lot of attention from the defense." - Trent Edwards, on T.O.

Ah Trent Edwards ... yes ... the young lad who doesn't see the irony in his quote.
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“Perhaps the biggest knock on (Albert) Haynesworth, the Titans’ first round pick from Tennessee in 2002, questions the consistency of his motor.” – Jarrett Bell, USA Today

Maybe we're not making as much progress as we thought.
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"He looks like he's had a couple of AMPS. He is amped up." - Daryl Waltrip, during the Amp "Amped Up" segment

Those of you who watch NASCAR on Fox know that Waltrip is always amped up regardless of his Amp consumption or whether it's Amp's "Amped Up' segment (sponsored by AMP).
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"There's no need to talk to a reporter these days. I am my own newspaper. I am my own editor. I am my own censor. I am able to put things into the proper context. I am able to control the content and I am educated enough to accurately express myself. I am able to distinguish to people in a unique fashion that football is just something that I do. Football is not Maurice Clarett." - Maurice Clarett, blogging from his prison cell

Hey, we're all for people turning their lives around, but there's something about Clarett's epiphany that leaves us skeptical at best. 1) He's not actually writing the words, he's talking over the phone to friends/family who then transcribe onto a blog and 2) it's Maurice Clarett.

And Redskins fans, you can be proud that it only took him since 1999 to learn that.

T.O. Coverage stock soars to unprecedented levels

If there's one thing all of us can count on, it's ample coverage of all things T.O. Lord knows we've never heard nor seen this story in our existence.



So .... let's refresh:

The T.O. signing isn't all about T.O.

Alex Marvez is here to tell us the same T.O. learned nothing.

T.O. through the years can be seen in photo-slide show.

You can view video of T.O. speaking in Buffalo and making up why he's so happy to be a member of the Bills franchise.

Also, don't forget that Jay Glazer has all the details on Buffalo's courtship of Terrell Owens.

That and more, coming up on the Terrell Owens Network.

ESPN goes public with their strict hiring qualifications

Apparently the Worldwide Leader wants to make 100% sure you know that they go through extensive research and implement rigid requirements before even considering anyone for their open on-camera “analyst” position.

And if you didn’t know that already, they’ve added a “resume” feature to make damn sure…



At least the Bottom Line inadvertantly makes the on-air talent look bad.