Stool Samples
Actual Crap That Came From People's Mouths
Another year in sports has brought another bountiful heaping of Stool Samples. We pay homage to 2008 - as only the mainstream sports media can. Enjoy, and imagine what another year in sports may bring ...
GENERAL HEADSCRATCHERS
"I don't want to be overly dramatic, but sometimes that's my job." - Tony Kornheiser
"It's almost as though the Phillies can't drive in a run unless they drive in themselves." - Tim McCarver
"I love listening to Tim McCarver. He's the best." - Terry Bradshaw
"Cole Hamels has a wonderful change-up and for that reason he doesn't always throw it to lefthanded batters." – Tim McCarver
"Nobody play action passes better than the Bears offense." - Sterling Sharpe, NFL Network
The Colts might have something to say about that, Sterling. But since there aren't play action ratings, we'll let that one slide.
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"You look at this football team, this football team is a complete football team. They can beat you any way they want. They can run it down your throat. Eli Manning can distribute it to multiple receivers. This is a great football team, and an aggressive football team and that's one of the things I like the most about this football team. Last week they go up 24-3 against the Seahawks, and they blitz four straight times on the defensive side of the football. This is a good football team. I think an underrated football team." - Mark Schlereth
"Two words to describe this (Missouri Tigers) offense: 'don't blink', or 'touchdown.'" - D'Marco Farr
D'Marco, "touchdown" isn't two ... you know what, screw it. It ain't worth it. This is the same man who thinks "Advil" is two words. D'Marco has counting problems.
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"I'm shutting Joba (Chamberlain) down, this guy has a Hall of Fame career as did Kerry Wood, but Kerry Wood has been fighting arm issues for the last ten years because the Chicago Cubs ran him out there until his arm blew and I'm afraid that's what is going to happen here with Joba Chamberlain."– Mark Grace
Mark might be playing fast and loose with the term "Hall of Fame career".
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"The Phillies are going to have to try to outscore their opponents or they'll be in trouble." - Joe Morgan
"This principle (Christian faith) is partly what makes (Shaun) Alexander a pillar in his community and a pariah to some NFL general managers... Football is not Alexander's first love. Maybe if playing football was his only goal, some GMs wouldn't have called Alexander, 30, washed up."- Shannon J. Owens, Orlando Sentinel
Or maybe if Alexander wouldn't have averaged 3.5 yards per carry the past two seasons, he wouldn't have been called washed up. That run with the Redskins this season really paid dividends as well.
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"Yet the Cubs are positioned nicely to end their century-long World Series title drought. Getting through the NL playoffs shouldn't be daunting." - Steve Henson, Yahoo! Sports
"One of many teams tough to beat at home, and 43 of their last 81 games are at Miller Park." (wow! A whopping 53%!) - Henson
"It doesn't appear the Phillies would be a strong World Series representative – they lost 9 of 12 in a late-June interleague swing." - Henson
The Royals, who finished 13-5 in Interleague play, did a much better job in the World Series than the Phillies.
OVER REACTION AT ITS FINEST
"Uh, make that a three-team race in the NFC North, and welcome back, Chicago. I never thought I'd say this, but maybe Kyle Orton is the answer."– Clark Judge, after Week 1
Clark Judge obviously forgot about the 2006 season, when another Bears quarterback stormed onto the scene only to finish in reality.
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"I think this is going to have implications. You have to knock (the Colts) out of Super Bowl consideration." - JA Adande
"I think the window has closed on (the Colts). I think we saw the gradual end for this era for the Colts." - Bob Ryan
After starting the season a disastrous 0-1, the Indianapolis Colts folded up shop to finish the season ... 12-4.
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"The Patriots are done. Belichick might scrap and claw them to seven victories, and they'll talk the talk about how there's a lot of football left, but making the playoffs sounds like a stretch."– Pete Prisco
"This is why Dre Bly is talking about the Greatest Show on Turf. Look at all the wepaons (the Broncos have): Royal, Marshall, Scheffler. It's everywhere."- Michael Smith
Someone should tell Dre that the Greatest Show on Turf actually made the playoffs and averaged more than 23 points a game.
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"(The Chargers) were a few plays from going to the Super Bowl. They were better than New England last year. And what happened, they're 0-2. They're in trouble."- Bill Plaschke
The beauty of this quote, in addition to the fact that Plaschke thinks the Chargers were better than the Patriots in 2007, is the certainty that the Chargers are in trouble because "a few plays" left San Diego at 0-2 to start the season. Irony at its finest, people.
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"(The Jets are) Maybe second-seed-in-the-AFC good ... (later in the column) ... Biggest day in the history of New Jersey sports: The Jets versus the Giants in Tampa ... WITH SPRINGSTEEN AT HALFTIME." - Peter King, after Week 12
"The AFC East is going to have two heartbroken teams. Only the division winner will make the playoffs. Flip a coin: I'll take the team playing the best defense: Miami. Incredible. Miami with a home playoff game." -Peter King, after Week 14
To recap, the Jets were slated for the second seed in the AFC and a Super Bowl appearance following Week 12. Two weeks later, they were done.
SEXUAL, PERVERSE AND COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY
Not Breaking News: Ron Jaworski is turned on by football
If there was a statistical category for sexually tense quotes from announcers, Ron Jaworski would be the perrennial favorite every year. Enjoy a sampling of Jaws' football lust...
"Last week, (Donovan McNabb) was really stroking it against the Rams!"
"(McNabb) is just stroking that ball in there!"
"Look at how (Jay Cutler) rotates the spheroid!"
"(Vince Wilfork) is a plugger up front!"
"And you can see, Derek Anderson is starting to feel it!"
"The Ravens bring in their heavy offensive package -- and it is a heavy offensive package!"
John Madden hand-picks Jason Witten to star in homemade porno
Ask your fellow football fan what player John Madden man-loves the most and odds are you'll get the standard F***e answer. After sitting though a Sunday night telecast featuring the Cowboys, it was made apparent that F***e is no longer the heartthrob.
The evidence:
"You know he's special."
The type of special player and special person that kindles that special kind of romance.
"That's when I knew he was my guy."
A big, athletic football player running without a helmet on can sweep anyone off their feet.
"He does everything that a tight end has ever done."
"If I had to choose, I'd take Jason Witten and say 'you come with me and we'll go play. You name the game."
"This guy does it all from every position."
Innuendo at its finest
"Michael Phelps getting the muscles loose for his next semi." - Dan Hicks
"It's not all about length." - Dan Hicks.
"You have to look for something hard." - Joe Morgan, on facing Brad Lidge
"More than anything, I like his body" - Joe Morgan on Ryan Braun
"The writer interviewed 146 players for the book, unearthing details such as Charles Haley's fondness for exposing his genitals to teammates. It's a delicious read."- Richard Deitsch, SI Media Circus
Gross and disgusting
As part of an epic close to the 2006 end of the year Craptacular, Peter King and Peter Gammons shattered the berrier between news and unecessary details. Gammons reported that Roger Clemens rubbed Icy Hot on his rocket junk while Peter King recanted personal colonoscopy tales. This year, Fox's Ken Rosenthal is the winner for most unnecessary "news".
"(Jamie) Moyer had a severe stomach virus. Friday night, on the eve of his first World Series start, it was a really rough night for him. Not only did he have that stomach problem, he was sweating profusely. His wife Karen told me, 'it was so bad, I had to change the sheets twice. He ruined two pillows. Our comforter is at the claners.'"
Thanks Ken. Much appreciated.
Stool Samples is written by the cofounders of the sports humor Web site, JoeSportsFan.com, Josh Bacott and Patrick Imig. They swear this stuff is real. Email them at info@joesportsfan.com.