Stool Samples

Since Chris Berman is the self-appointed master of ceremonies for all things ... well, things, he always manages to integrate holidays into his broadcasts. A couple weeks ago, Boomer had the chance to bring up Christopher Columbus, among other things.

  "Happy Columbus Day and to our Canadian friends, Happy Thanksgiving."

Sure, there's nothing wrong with a welcome greeting, but does anyone out there honestly wish their fellow citizens "Happy Columbus Day"? Minor quibble by us, so we'll move on.

"Even if Cleveland sails the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria tonight, it's not going to work."

Forcing the names of Columbus' aqua-vehicles to fit in the context of football is a stretch even by Berman's standards. Unfortunately, he doesn't see it that way. In fact, he's really into this whole Christopher Columbus/football thing.

"Today of course we celebrate a visionary, perhaps the greatest road accomplishment in history. 1492 Christopher Columbus, in the ultimate road game, set sail for ... I DON'T KNOW, WHERE WAS HE GOING!? But by the time he was finished, he discovered America. Winning in front of a hostile crowd. Not easy. Fast forward to 2008, who better to take the field on Columbus Day than the Road Warriors of the NFL. The G-Men have won 11 straight in front of hostile crowds. Also not easy. What a long, strange and magical trip it's been."

Yep: Giants = Columbus.

Once again, Chris Berman reaffirms he's the annoying uncle who does "got your nose" jokes and finds quarters behind our ears. Join us again next year to relive this exercise all over again -- and belated happy Chris Columbus Week!

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth

"What I love about (Trent Edwards) is that his toolbox is very full." - Trent Dilfer

His wrench and ratchet are second to none.
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"(Jay Cutler) seems to be a guy in a tuxedo with his zipper down." - Steve Young

The funny thing is that when he said this, Steve Young was wearing nothing but a tie around his bear chest.
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"Look at (Jay Cutler) rotates the spheroid." - Ron Jaworski

"(Vince Wilfork) is a plugger up front." - Ron Jaworski

If there was an independent statistics group that computed percentage of quotes laced with sexual tension, Ron Jaworski would be atop the power rankings every week.
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"Nobody play action passes better than the Bears offense." - Sterling Sharpe, NFL Network

The Colts might have something to say about that, Sterling. But since there aren't play action ratings, we'll let that one slide.
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"Cole Hamels has a wonderful change-up and for that reason he doesn't always throw it to lefthanded batters." – Tim McCarver

McCarver has made a habit of teasing viewers with tidbits like this making them think that there is some interesting explanation behind it. Alas, there is nothing. Just a nonsensical statement left dangling until the next one takes it's place.
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"You look at this football team, this football team is a complete football team. They can beat you any way they want. They can run it down your throat. Eli Manning can distribute it to multiple receivers. This is a great football team, and an aggressive football team and that's one of the things I like the most about this football team. Last week they go up 24-3 against the Seahawks, and they blitz four straight times on the defensive side of thefootball.This is a goodfootball team. I think an underrated football team." - Mark Schlereth

Football team.
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"John Elway had an absolute -- let me use a baseball term -- HOSE. I mean, he could FLAT fling it, especially when he was a young player." - Schlereth

Sadly, as happens so often to men the world over, Elways' hose weakened and his balls wobbled as he got older.
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Baldy and Sterling Unleash Stupidity on NFL Network

The NFL Network's answer to ESPN's NFL Matchup, AFC Playbook and NFC Playbook, isn't nearly as entertaining as its peer. For starters, there's no former quarterbacks who break down three yard slants as if they're watching porno. Secondly, the show is commanded by Brian Baldinger and Sterling Sharpe, two guys who fit quite well into the category of "former football players who sound like idiots and have diarrhea of the mouth".

At the end of each program, the two guys face off as part of "Coor's Light Cold Logic", an ad-sponsored excuse to choose one option over the other ... in this case, specific matchups involving player X going up against Team Y's defense.

Instead of using the segment to spray some insight and logic from former players, Baldy and Sterling seem to be vying for host of Daily Affirmation.

You might have come into the show wondering what the two thought about ... ... ... ... ... ...

Lee Evans vs. Chargers D

"I like Lee Evans." - Baldy

"Love me some Lee Evans." - Sterling Sharpe

Hines Ward vs. Bengals D

"I like Hines Ward." - Sharpe

"I would never go against Hines Ward." -Baldy

Brandon Marshall vs. Patriots D

"Love me some Brandon Marshall." - Sterling

"And I think Jay Cutler loves him as well." - Baldy

Gus Frerotte vs. Bears D

"I like the Bears defense." - Baldy

"I like the Vikings offense. I like Bernard Berrian. ... I like Gus Frerotte and I love the running game of Adrian Peterson." - Sterling
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Joe Theismann, if you're reading, now you know why you can't find a job; Baldy and Sterling have your role down cold.

Sports and Media: Cross Promotion At It's Finest (cont'd)

Continuing sports' never ending quest to make more cash by integrating advertising into their product, we digested several things over the past few weeks that we hadn't seen before. In no particular order, we saw:

1. During a re-broadcast of Evander Holyfield and Riddick Bowe II on ESPN Classic, the ESPN Bottom Line flashed breaking news incessantly that ESPN.com's Dan Rafael reported Evander Holyfield's likely return to the ring. Not a huge deal by any means, but the timing was more than coincidental.

2. NFL Network's Total Access reviewed NFL Films recently released "History of the Washington Redskins" DVD. It was the Hollwyood equivalent of Paramount Pictures airing a review of Braveheart or Titanic. As you could imagine, the reviews were 100% positive.

3. On Sunday, Fox's Kenny Albert couldn't wait to bring the next James Bond movie into the telecast of the Rams at Redskins. As soon as the camera hit, it was go time: "Kenny Albert along with Daryl Johnston and Tony Siragusa. One quick reminder, the new James Bond thriller Quantum of Solace heading to a theater near you on November 14th. The Washington Redskins have made a quantum leap since their Week 1 loss to the Giants, playing under a new head coach, Jim Zorn, the Skins have won four straight games."

Even more impressive? He was able to make a snappy line out of the Bond Shill.

4. Our final installment of "things we'd never seen before" occurred on NFL Network's broadcast of Steve Mariucci and Terrell Davis sitting down with the Geico Caveman. Truthfully, the segment had a few good moments, with our favorite coming from the mouth of Geico Caveman:

"You guys got to think outside the box. That's why they brought me in here. They don't care about football. Jesus, do I have to write this on the Whiteboard?"

His honesty is necessary and quite refreshing.

Stool Samples is written by the cofounders of the sports humor site, JoeSportsFan.com, Josh Bacott and Patrick Imig. They swear this stuff is real. Email them at info@joesportsfan.com.