Stool Samples

Over the past few weeks, we've found ourselves pondering where Hank Williams, Jr. would be without Monday Night Football. Ever since the release of "All My Rowdy Friends" in 1984, Hank has pretty much had it made. Not that we think his job isn't difficult, painstaking or requiring ample skills and talent; quite the contrary, actually.

To be able to sing about football teams and the same day of the week for two+ decades says something. Just take a look at the lyrics from the contest between Baltimore and Pittsburgh. We dare you to not be amazed and marvel at the lyrical prose.

Welcome to the party, all my rowdy friends.
A Monday night bash on ESPN.
It's always nasty when these two go round.
The Ravens and Pittsburgh meet in Steel town!

The pressure is rising.
Wrap up and hold tight.
We're going to blow the roof off Pittsburgh tonight.

Ready.

Come on and get ready!

I mean really ready!

Are you ready for some football?

A Monday Night party?

The whole house is rocking. Let's get it kick-started.

Inaudible ... ... ... .... .... .... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

All my rowdy friends are here for Monday night!

Wow. That's the stuff you can't teach. You're either born with it or your left scrambling for Honda dealership jingles.

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth

"To say there is a lot at stake would be an understudy." - Dick Stockton

To say Dick Stockton appears to be drunk every telecast would be an understudy.
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"That's one thing about Chris Hoke, he's one of those guys that has a motor that goes 110 miles an hour." - John Madden

If you're wondering, yes, Chris Hoke is white.
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"I think they're a better team, now I don't think they're better personnel-wise but I think they're better where it matters most." - Trent Dilfer, on the Giants now compared to last season

So then they're better, right?
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"I'm going to say the Tennessee Titans (are the best team) and here's why: the Tennessee Titans know who they are. They knew who they were in training camp." - Trent Dilfer

"The question I have is, 'who are the Steelers?'" - Trent Dilfer

We're beginning to think Trent got hit on the head one too many times during his playing days.
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"Kick it into the 10th row, Chris (Kluwe). And I know at least one person who wishes you had: teammate and fellow special teamer E.J. Henderson, who was running down Bush one second and then looking up at the Superdome roof through his ear-hole, the next." - Jim Rome, imploring the Vikings not punt to Reggie Bush

Uh, Jim, E.J. Henderson was put on injured reserve ... before Monday night's game. That was backup linebacker Erin Henderson. Just trying to help out.
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"Going into the playoffs last season, the Giants did you (the Cowboys) in your house in the first round." - Jim Rome

Uh, Jim, that was the second round. Dallas had a bye in the first round and the Giants were in Tampa Bay. You know what, just do your thing and we'll leave you alone.
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But as unthinkably dangerous as the Cardinals' slugger was, he couldn't get his team to the postseason. Howard did. – Bob Klapisch

By himself. Chase Utley, Jimmy Rollins, Pat Burrell, Brad Lidge, none of them helped. It was Ryan Howard that got them into the playoffs. Albert Pujols should have done more than be the best player in all of baseball and then his team would have made the playoffs. Freaking bum.

Outback TV ads scoring touchdowns with fans

A few months ago at our homebase, JoeSportsFan.com, we tackled the phenomenon of seamless integration of sports into advertising during sports broadcasts. For whatever reason, the companies and people trying to sell us something during a game feel compelled to let us know that they too are fans of said game.

A few of the advertising gems displayed in the past column:

..."being a fan means cheering for your team through thick and thin...however if you're holding onto a mutual fund that's under-performing, your loyalty is misplaced."

"...but chances are you'll end up in last place, so go with the champions, Painters District Council #2."

"when it comes to fighting germs, you have to play hardball. That's why I use Germ-X, the instant hand sanitizer. I just apply Germ-x to my hands, rub it in for 15 seconds then I'm ready to throw germs out at the plate."

Not surprisingly, this phenomenon has been going on for years on the tube. Kirk Herbstreit was sure to remind us of that during a TV timeout Saturday on ESPN.

This is Kirk Herbstreit. You know you're a true Outback fan when you think great coverage is crispy bacon wrapped around a filet, on our mixed grill with sweet shrimp and sauteed scallops.

To you, cutting up the middle means slicing into our Outback Special Sirloin; 17 spices, big bold flavor seared in.

Great picks, starting at $9.99 for a limited time.

GO GO GO!

Crave on!

Our only question is, what if we're fans of Outback Steakhouse, but don't think of crispy bacon wrapping a filet when we hear the term "great coverage"? Then what?

If only Joe Lunardi could predict Bowl Games

When it comes to enjoying the sports media's short attention span, we have always targeted those items that are knowingly predicated on ever-changing information as some of the most fun.

For example: Mel Kiper's mock drafts 12 months in advance of the real thing, Heisman polls conducted after two weeks of the season, Joe Lunardi releasing his first NCAA bracket in December.

They're the sports equivalent of CNN "awarding" a state to a political candidate on election day with 0% reporting.

One of the newer additions to the ever-expanding buffet of these short attention span platters is the weekly "Bowl Projections" for college football, which started as early as the preseason.

With mass chaos unfolding within the college ranks each Saturday, predicting the matchups for 34 bowl games – all the way down to classics like the R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl and the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl – is about as futile as you trying to guess what's going through this guy's head in this picture. We recognize that no one doing the predictions is attempting to break any stories or make a serious claim that this is how things will unfold, but that doesn't mean we can't mock them.

While they're certainly not the only site to do them, we took a look at the predictions for the Orange Bowl made by ESPN's Bruce Feldman each week as a poster boy for just how ridiculous this exercise can be. In the first six weeks, seven different teams were poised for an Orange Bowl bid…

Preseason – Oklahoma vs. Clemson
Week 1 – Oklahoma vs. Wake Forest
Week 2 – Oklahoma vs. Wake Forest
Week 3 – Auburn vs. Wake Forest
Week 4 – LSU vs. Wake Forest
Week 5 – Boise St. vs. Virginia Tech

Let's recap: It was Clemson right up until they got destroyed by Alabama in Week 1… then Oklahoma got promoted to the Fiesta with Auburn taking their spot… until they got whipped by LSU at home meaning it was the Tigers who would face off with Wake Forest…until Wake Forest got smoked by Navy of all teams, and now we've got two newcomers in Boise St. and Virginia Tech...and only nine more weeks to go.

Maybe Mel Kiper can chime in and tell us what round each player on the Orange Bowl teams will be drafted.

Stool Samples is written by the cofounders of the sports humor site, JoeSportsFan.comJosh Bacott and Patrick Imig. They swear this stuff is real. Email them at info@joesportsfan.com .