Stool Samples
Escapability. Look up the word in Merriam Webster's dictionary and you won't find anything. That's because "escapability" isn't a real word. Just try telling that to the sports media. With college and pro football seasons in full swing, escapability has come to the forefront of our fan experience.
During Ohio State's battle with Ohio three weeks ago ago, color analyst Ray Bentley used the pseudo-word on five different occasions to describe Ohio quarterback Boo Jackson. (It would be completely justified if he used the word to describe Boo's hair)
Two days later, Ron Jaworski talked up the escapability of Vikings' quarterback Tarvaris Jackson.
Heading into the Colts' week 2 matchup against the Vikings, it was Jackson's running back who was awarded the term:
"Peterson's game blends power, speed and escapability, and demands maximum focus, execution and gang tackling from opposing defenses." - Indianapolis Star
Following Sunday's games, the unheralded quarterback of the 49ers fell into the escapability pocket:
"It easily could have been a double-digit sack total if O'Sullivan hadn't avoided a few more by showing escapability and bouncing away from the grasp of Seattle defenders." - Scout.com
While escapability pales in comparison to Jay Bilas' "blowbyability" and most every other self-made word, the fact remains that the football media is showing great word creatability.
Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth
"Two words to describe this (Missouri Tigers) offense: 'don't blink', or 'touchdown.'" - D'Marco Farr
D'Marco, "touchdown" isn't two ... you know what, screw it. It ain't worth it. This is the same man who thinks "Advil" is two words. D'Marco has counting problems.
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"This is why Dre Bly is talking about the Greatest Show on Turf. Look at all the wepaons (the Broncos have): Royal, Marshall, Scheffler. It's everywhere." - Michael Smith
That means Selvin Young is Marshall Faulk. Not sure we buy that, but Jay Cutler's wife better have a buzz cut.
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"I got to go with Buffalo (as the most surprising 2-0 team). I knew they'd be good, but just not 2-0." - Michael Smith
Because 2-0 is so much greater than "good".
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"Last week, (Donovan McNabb) was really stroking it against the Rams." - Ron Jaworski
"(McNabb) is just stroking that ball in there!" - Jaworski
Jaworski has really been stroking it with his mouth this year.
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"If they have an award for best looking player in his pregame tights in the league, that would be T.O." - Stuart Scott
Careful, Terrell; if Stu had two healthy eyes, he'd be smothering you like a defensive back.
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"(The Chargers) were a few plays from going to the Super Bowl. They were better than New England last year. And what happened, they're 0-2. They're in trouble." - Bill Plaschke
Whoa! The Chargers were better than the 16-0 turned 18-1 Patriots? That argument aside, this quote is going to be fun to revisit at the end of the season.
Steve Tasker is like Rick Reilly with a microphone
CBS analyst Steve Tasker sat alongside Gus Johnson a week ago Sunday in Atlanta for the Falcons and Chiefs game. During Michael Turner's touchdown barrage, he proved he might be a fan of the WorldWide Leader's top producer of similies.
Michael Turner is ...
"... like a bowling ball with spikes."
"... like a bowling ball going down a set of steps."
"... all elbows and all knees."
"You'll belly-laugh"
Okay, so the last one wasn't a literary device at all, but the terms "belly-laugh" to describe the experience of watching "Worst Week" makes us laugh. All told, we enjoyed our Steve Tasker/Gus Johnson experience. If we get stuck watching another crappy game on CBS, they'll make it bearable.
John Madden to write and direct screenplay for porno starring Jason Witten
Ask your fellow football fan what player John Madden man-loves the most and odds are you'll get the standard F***e answer. After watching Sunday night's game from Lambeau Field, we - and John Madden - have something to say about that. That being the Cowboys tight end.
Yes, after sitting through one quarter of the second half, we came to the unanimous conclusion that if given the chance, Madden would direct, distribute and write an adult video featuring Jason Witten.
The evidence:
"You know he's special."
The type of special player and special person that kindles that special kind of romance.
"That's when I knew he was my guy."
A big, athletic football player running without a helmet on can sweep anyone off their feet, John.
"He does everything that a tight end has ever done."
He shakes his end and has that cute little twinkle in his eye while twisting, doesn't he?
"If I had to choose, I'd take Jason Witten and say 'you come with me and we'll go play. You name the game."
Any game? Any game at all.
"This guy does it all from every position."
Interesting.
We would have bet the house that Madden would make a porno with Brett Favre.
Stool Samples is written by the cofounders of the sports humor Web site, JoeSportsFan.com, Josh Bacott and Patrick Imig. They swear this stuff is real. Email them atinfo@joesportsfan.com