Stool Samples

So you're relaxing at home in your suburban Green Bay bedroom, you've got a cold one by your side, getting ready to enjoy your favorite movie and right as you press play the damn phone rings. Who in the hell is calling you while you're watching your programs?

You pick it up and it's another one of those telemarketers asking you to do some stupid poll. Last time they called, they asked questions about who you were going to vote for in the 2008 presidential election. Who the hell has time for crap like that when your beer is getting warm? Right as you're getting ready to berate the jackass on the other end of the line, he tells you what he's calling about - he wants you to answer a few questions about Brett Favre. Finally.

Now before you chalk this up as just another Green Bay-people-are-obsessed-with-Favre rant from the guys at JoeSportsFan, just know that not even we could conjure up this kind of ridiculous scenario. Low and behold, some variation of it happened over 20,000 times this weekend . According to USA Today's Game On blog, every single phone number in the Green Bay White Pages was called on Sunday night asking three questions:

1.) Do you think the Packers should trade Favre?

2.) What should happen with Brett Favre?

3.) Would you feel betrayed if Favre went to another team and won a Super Bowl?

There are actual companies dedicating resources to asking Green Bay people their opinions about Brett Favre who has shockingly decided he might want to play again. For some reason, none of that is terribly surprising.  Apparently, two other questions were nixed:

4.) Would you feel betrayed if Favre went to another team and threw a horrible interception to keep that team from going to the Super Bowl?

5.) Would you have Favre's children if it were physically possible?

It's official. The guy just won't go away.

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth

"Six years ago the General Manager of the Cleveland Indians, Mark Shapiro, traded Bartolo Colon and Tim Drew to the Montreal Expos for Brandon Phillips, Grady Sizemore, Lee Stevens and Cliff Lee and have all four ever paid dividends." – Tim McCarver

Well three of the four anyway, Tim. Turns out Lee Stevens played a grand total of 53 games and batted .222 for the Indians and hasn’t played in the Major since.

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"More than anything, I like his body" - Joe Morgan on Ryan Braun

If only Braun threw a slide-piece, we might have to get somebody to hose down Morgan.

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"The fact is that Brett Favre absolutely and positively is upset that he’s not being wooed and wanted…he won’t let go. He wants to be worshipped" – Bob Ryan, PTI

And damnit as long as Chris Berman and Peter King are alive, he will be!

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"The writer interviewed 146 players for the book, unearthing details such as Charles Haley's fondness for exposing his genitals to teammates. It's a delicious read."- Richard Deitsch, SI Media Circus

We enjoy reading Deitsch's weekly offerings, but any reference to exposing one's genitals directly followed by the words "it's a delicious read" is automatic Stool Samples material. We don't care who you are.

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"Playing for any old NFL team would be crime enough to many of (Brett Favre's) faithful, but playing for a rival like Minnesota or Chicago would be like Johnny Damon spurning the Red Sox for the Yankees. Times five." - Peter King

Did you know that Johnny Damon is 1/5 the person Brett Favre is? It's true.

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"I keep hearing Favre was pushed into retirement by the Packers demanding an early decision this off-season, or by Thompson not showing him enough love. He might feel that way, but I think it's nonsense. Favre stood up in front of the world six weeks after he played his last game and said he was finished. If he's not, the Packers are not to blame." - Peter King

For as much as we (and many others) give ole Petey a hard time about his Favre stalker habits, we have to give credit when the writer still follows objectivity in the midst of a smoldering love affair. Kudos.

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"Favre's agent, Bus Cook, called this scenario more than four months ago. He told ESPN's Chris Mortensen that Thompson did "nothing" to encourage Favre to continue playing. That could mean two things: Thompson respected Favre's decision, or Thompson wanted to staple gun Favre's name to the NFL retirement list. I'm going with the staple gun plot." - Gene Wojciechowski, ESPN.com

Of course Gene has no evidence of the "staple gun plot", or any evidence that Favre even wants to come back for that matter, but it sure does make for an easier column when he pretends he does.

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"It's not just NBA players who have the fiscal sense of the Taco Bell Chihuahua." – Rick Reilly, ESPN the Magazine

What does $3 million get you in the sports media market these days? Hilarious references to the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

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MTV Rock and Jock Proves it Still Has Some Favre in It

Last year around this time, we spent a few hundred words discussing how the once glorious mid-summer classic morphed into an oversaturated, boring commercialized sports exhibition.

This year, we have similar intentions, only for a completely different event: the MTV Rock and Jock Softball Game. Actually, we made that up, but somebody out there does have serious intentions to bring back Rock and Jock. And frankly, who could blame them?

Thanks to the miracle of technology, you can really make a difference in the lives of a few very special people by signing the "Resurrect Rock N Jock Petition".

"To: Viacom, MTV

Enough is enough, people. With all this celebrity game show crap that every network is rolling out over the summer, why, Dear God why, hasn't MTV resurrected the greatest mixed celebrity and athlete competition franchise in the history of this and every other alternate universe: Rock N Jock.

The formula is simple. Take B-List stars of the moment, athletes in the offseason that want to hob-knob with celebs, mix in 1-2 A-listers, a trendy musical guest, a game of softball or basketball with modified rules and TA-DAH... you have a hit show. Honestly, MTV is running so many reality shows they could fill enough teams to necessitate a 4-team tournament by themselves. Everyone gets publicity for their latest projects in a gigantic egomaniacal circle jerk and we get the joy of watching musicians trying to hit a softball and athletes with no charisma trying to be interesting."

Boy, from the looks of that excerpt, Sean Salisbury was and still is a HUGE Rock N Jock fan. We had no idea. But seriously, we can't argue against singing that petition. Not when it could potentially bring back entertainment luminaries like Hammer, Dan Cortese, Bill Bellamy and Roger McDowell pitching in a skirt.

If only the Rock N Jock softball extravaganza would have had a red carpet special back in it's existence. There's no way it would have ceased.

The Legacy of Billy Packer

With the news that Billy Packer has left his broadcast position alongside Jim Nantz, we thought it would only be appropriate to recall one of Packer's finest moments. It's not about a contrived controversey, a small school, or ingorantly comparing Allen Iverson to a primate. No, it's a quote that helps define the man who irritated basketball fans for years with his crusty, condescending persona.

In 2007, Packer revealed he doesn't own a computer or "tape machine" in a USA Today interview:

"Not that I know everything about basketball, but I like to go into games with some unknowns. I don't want to sit with a coach and ask him what he'll do. I like to play the game as I'm watching it... 90% of my life is spent on business, not TV".

"A lot of my ideas sound off-the-wall, but my history is pretty darn good in how things work out. People laugh at me, but CBS should hire America's most sophisticated pollsters to see how people watch the tournament. It would make the Nielsen's look so out of touch, it wouldn't even be funny. I challenge Nielsen that they're so far off, I'll put up the money and pay for the survey if I'm wrong."

To recap, Billy Packer has never been wrong - and challenges the common fan opinion that he won't be missed.

If Tom Smykowski from Office Space ever saw his dream of the "jump to conclusions" game come to reality, we have to assume that the mainstream sports media would be camping out in front of Toys 'R Us to get their hands on it. Nobody is better at squeezing rock solid facts from minimal information than sports writers and talking heads. Some even get paid to do it.

Over at Yahoo! Sports, Steve Henson got the call to do a mid-season review of Major League Baseball and hand out some grades. Along with those grades came a few turns on the jump to conclusions mat.

"Yet the Cubs are positioned nicely to end their century-long World Series title drought. Getting through the NL playoffs shouldn’t be daunting."

The NL playoffs are really just a formality should the Cubs make it. Matter of fact, we heard they've already hired the Behind the Music dude to do the voiceover for the World Series DVD. That guy does some mean voice work.

"One of many teams tough to beat at home, and 43 of their last 81 games are at Miller Park."

For those keeping score at home, that means the Brewers play a whopping 53% of their remaining games at home. Looks like Mr. Selig may be pulling some strings for his old club. Can you say "unfair advantage"?

"It doesn’t appear the Phillies would be a strong World Series representative – they lost 9 of 12 in a late-June interleague swing."

You know who would be a good representative in the World Series? The Royals. They went 13-5 in interleague, they'd be a lock.

This game is almost like hop scotch, only more fun!

Stool Samples is written by the cofounders of JoeSportsFan.com, Josh Bacott and Patrick Imig.  They swear this stuf