Stool Samples

For all the crap the media tends to pile on the wrestling industry and as bad it can be portrayed, the WWE still does a pretty good job promoting good will worldwide. Case in point, the annual Christmas Tribute to the Troops show, going on its 6th year this December. As a result of their efforts, WWE was awarded the first ever Corporate Patriot Award at the GI Film Festival in Washington D.C.:

WWE Hall of Famer Ric Flair accepted the first-ever Corporate Patriot Award on behalf of the company for its continuous support of U.S. troops. Over the past five years, WWE has visited our troops on more than 200 occasions including its annual Tribute to the Troops for soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Make no mistake, we're not trying to argue that WWE is "sport", but we do have an issue (okay, Imig does) with the fact that the majority of time wrestling makes the news on SportsCenter, it's the result of something with negative connotations.  Maybe in the future they'll consider noting the positive things going on in the sports and entertainment landscape.

For the record, this year's Tribute to the Troops program will be broadcast on NBC instead of USA.  Maybe the added exposure will get a mainstream nod - and maybe even the NFL, MLB and other major sports organizations will gain a few pointers on how to use their celebrity and resources for a worthwhile cause.

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth

"Charissa (Thompson) can play to many fields. She's been a reporter and really knows sports. She's smart and quick." - John Entz, Best Damn Sports Show Period producer on the addition of Thompson to the show

Entz failed to acknowledge the fact that when put on set between John Salley and Chris Rose, she becomes way hotter.

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"Always a great story when we have you on, Krukie!" - Michelle Bonner

"That's why I wore pink -- for you gals." - John Kruk

"Good to see you. LOVE IT - not afraid to wear pink!" – Michelle Bonner

A hundred bucks says Michelle Bonner and John Kruk are sharing fried chicken and mashed potatoes at the Bristol cafeteria by week's end.

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"We know who Sarah Jessica Parker’s character from Sex in the City would gamble on, I guess" – Rece Davis talking about a horses shoes.

Rece, rule #218 in the sportscasting business clearly states – “if you ever want to appeal to your target audience never demonstrate any knowledge of the show Sex in the City or its primary characters.”

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"We're talking about Tiger Woods, and of course his recovery from knee surgery, because ooohhh, we all miss him so." - Reischea Canidate, ESPN News

We're beginning to think the ladies at ESPN News may need a visit from Mike Tirico to remove some of that uh, tension, that seems to be sweeping through the studio.

Horse Wins the Preakness: Hyperbole Ensues

The only thing faster than Big Brown during last Saturday’s Preakness was how quickly we were able to start racking up grandiose quotes about the latest horse to take up position on the brink of history.

To this point, Big Brown has dominated a subpar group of three-year-old colts and, while he’s definitely got the makings of the real deal, he’s still a long ways away from placing his name alongside some of the greats in the sport. At least that’s what we thought…

"The horse of the decade who won the Kentucky Derby two weeks ago like a NASCAR racer, flew down the straightaway of the Pimlico racetrack yesterday, leaving 11 rivals struggling hopelessly in his dust, to literally annihilate the 133rd Preakness." – Ray Kerrison, New York Post

Two issues:

1.) calling him the horse of the decade may be a smidge premature especially considering that three other horses this decade also accomplished what Big Brown has accomplished to this point.

2.) when you use the word “literally” it should mean that something is to be taken literally. Big Brown did not “literally” annihilate anything otherwise PETA would totally be freaking out.

"It looks like Big Brown might win the Belmont farther than Secretariat" - Paddy Gallagher, trainer of 10th-place finisher Yankee Bravo.

Dude, Secretariat won the Belmont by 31 lengths. If Vegas laid out 5000-1 odds on Big Brown winning the Belmont by 31 lengths exclusively to JSF writers, we would turn it down because $2 can buy four Jack in the Box tacos and frankly, that’s a better investment.

"I don’t know whether Secretariat can stay with him or not" - Penny Chenery (Secretariat’s owner)

Jesus, even Secretariat’s owner is drinking the Kool Aid? Where’s the loyalty, Penny?

"This is the best horse I've seen since I've been in the business." – Bob Baffert, trainer of three near miss Triple Crown contenders

Man, maybe he really is this good. We need someone to bring us back down to reality. Maybe some flat out insanity will do the trick…

"Did you ever talk about Nutsy Fagan around your neighborhood? When somebody acted, well, nutsy, we said, "He's as nutsy as Nutsy Fagan!"...So Saturday, when the band starts playing My Old Kentucky Home and the thoroughbred stampede comes onto the track, I will raise my mint julep, and say, "You did it again, Nutsy Fagan!" – Frank DeFord

Ah. Good old Frankie DeFord never fails to deliver completely ridiculous crap when we need him.

Next Charles Barkley to Blow All of His Money

You know the drill by now: Charles Barkley does his thing in the media and his media counterparts love him for it, and then spend time searching for the next Charles Barkley or pointing out that various shows lack a Charles Barkley type. Then the fools from Stool Samples mention that while they too appreciate Barkley in a media capacity, the attempt at replicating or re-creating a Charles Barkley type is stupid. Ho hum. Another day at the office.

But what happens when the real Charles Barkley reveals he needs to payoff a $400,000 gambling debt to Wynn Resorts in Las Vegas, and that he used bad checks to originally try and pay it off? Pretty much nothing from the national media and average basketball fan. It's just Charles being Charles. Charles likes to gamble and there is nothing wrong with that. He's just one of us!

True. But what would happen if Rob Dibble, Marv Albert or Mark Schlereth announced he was 400K in the hole thanks to a gambling habit? Our guess is there'd be a lot of backlash (not to mention Schlereth's assessment that he needs to execute by repaying the Federal Government of the United States of America as soon as possible lest the Internal Revenue Service pay him a visit).

A little over a month ago, ESPN columnist Gene Wojciechowski all but canonized Sir Charles:

"And then there is Barkley, whose career and life arc continue to evolve, just like his waistline. Barkley is becoming what Jordan could have been, perhaps should have been. He is becoming a voice and, as it turns out, the very thing Barkley resisted years ago: a role model."

"Barkley likes money. He also adores gambling, golf, his mother, his grandmother, his daughter, his beer and his Krispy Kreme donuts, especially when the store's Hot sign is lit. But unlike Jordan, he also has a crush on politics."

"I see Montgomery in Barkley's future. I see a Presidential Medal of Freedom in his future. I see activism and change. And, yeah, I see more Krispy Kremes. I'd vote for Barkley. Not because of who he is now. But because of who he might become."

And since the news of the gambling debt? Nothing. Nothing until Barkley himself confronted the problem with TNT’s Ernie Johnson on live television. All told, though, it's just Charles being Charles. No big deal. But if Steve Phillips or Joe Morgan had the same the gambling debt, we're picturing a firestorm full of verbal lashings - media folk and fans would be singing a different tune about the incident. A double standard for sure.

For the record, we just analyzed Charles Barkley like Charles Barkley. The networks should be knocking on our door any second now.

Stool Samples is written by the cofounders of the sports humor site, JoeSportsFan.com, Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.  They swear this stuff is real.  Email them at info@joesportsfan.com.