Stool Samples

We’re not sure if red-blooded American sports fans are hopelessly addicted to the NFL or if the networks that broadcast it have become convinced that we will gorge ourselves on anything NFL related.  Two programming decisions from this month have us scratching our heads to find out which of those is true. 

For the past several months, the big target on the radar of NFL fans has been the draft held this past weekend.  Mock drafts – a favorite here at Stool Samples – have been all over the web.  Two weeks ago, the NFL Network banked on your addiction level going way beyond simple analysis of the ’08 Draft. After all, the ’08 Draft was still 10 days away, but to tide you over they went ahead and aired… the 2007 Draft.

If people were fired up about the prospects of the 2008 Draft, there is nothing wrong with that.  If people actually sat down and re-watched a draft that happened a year ago – one that is completely devoid of the only thing that makes the draft worth watching: suspense – then those people have a serious problem.  If you’re one of these people, do yourself a favor, next year, type the words “2008 NFL Draft” into Google, print out a list of the players taken and save 4 hours of your life.  

As overhyped as the draft can be, at least it’s only a few days away.  The start of the 2008 season on the other hand is four months away.  That didn’t stop ESPN from going three blocks past “over board for the official release of the NFL schedule.  A quick glance, an article or two on the potential matchups, maybe a mention on Sportscenter probably would have been sufficient.  

Instead, they cleared out 2 hours of afternoon programming and spent the majority of those 120 minutes discussing the schedule.  Not the draft nor the recent revelation that there were like 10 Herschel Walker’s on the field at any given time.  They talked about the freaking schedule.  

Either the networks are slightly overestimating our appetite for all things NFL or we’re about six months away from seeing our very first episode of “Intervention” on A&E dedicated solely to someone who is hopelessly hooked on football.  

Frankly we have no idea which.  

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
“The Cardinals have certainly been surprising so far, but I really don't expect this early success to hold up….Their only chance, in my opinion, is if the division falls back to them, and it takes a .500 record to go to the playoffs. Wish I had better news for you.” – Steve Phillips

It’s not so much his prediction that we have a problem with, rather the way he insinuates that this isn’t an opinion rather a fact.  It’s like us saying “sorry, Steve, you’re the worst analyst on Baseball Tonight aside from Fernando Vina.  Wish I had better news for you.”
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"This is supposed to be an honor, and just a handful of guys wearing the number. Now you've got entire teams doing it. I think we're killing the meaning. It should be special wearing Jackie's number, not just because it looks cool."– Torii Hunter

Torii isn’t a member of the media, but that doesn’t absolve him of being accountable for really stupid comments.   Apparently when an entire team or even the entire league pays tribute to Jackie Robinson for Robinson's contributions to the game, it’s “killing the meaning”.  It’s much better when all the white and Hispanic and Japanese players ignore it and just leave the tribute to guys those worthy of it, like Torii.
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Peter King Pontificating Directly to his Peasants
”Wait: You need to add this proviso, Carl (Peterson) -- if you know the guy you want isn't going to be taken by the Jets or Pats, you've got to try to trade down just as hard.”

“I think you handled the whole NFL Network mess with class, Bryant Gumbel.”

“All you nice people in Wisconsin should get used to the Eric Gagne roller coaster. You'll ride it all year.”

“All you idiots at Fenway who booed David Ortiz (it was scattered, certainly nothing near a majority) the other night should have your human-being licenses revoked (editor's note: "human being license"?). Ortiz is 3-for-43 in one-fourteenth of the season. For everything he's done the past four years, he's a guy you shouldn't boo, even if he finishes the year 3-for-543.”

“Thanks for the hospitality, Colgate. I spoke to two groups last Wednesday in Hamilton, N.Y., and the intelligence of a bunch of football players (quite impressive) and a group of seniors (even more so) encouraged me about our country's future.”

In the span of 8 sentences, Petey King managed to use his column as an outlet to directly address people, while treating the majority of them as idiots.  Sure, only the Red Sox fans were specifically described as such, but Carl Peterson apparently needs drafting advice, the people of Wisconsin had no clue who Eric Gagne was until now, and a “bunch of football players” and a group of old people surprised King with how smart they were. 

We appreciate the ignorant arrogance as always, Peter.

Jim Nantz Stirs the Soul and Replenishes the Spirit
The line is famous now – “a tradition unlike any other”.  Jim Nantz’s long-standing tagline for The Masters used to be in reference solely to the most prestigious golf tournament in the United States. But as the years go by, the “tradition” that Nantz speaks of has transformed from simply the golf, to the combination of the golf and the flowery prose that he uses to describe it at every turn.  

Upon listening to Nantz gush two weekends ago, you start to wonder if he isn’t dreaming of all his important life milestones taking place with the azaleas in the background.  Take a look at a few from the weekend, only pretend there is soft piano music in the background:

"(The Masters) stirs the soul and replenishes the spirit."

"We started in fog on Thursday and ended bathing in sunshine."  

“Fathers forever remember. Sons who are now fathers.  It is simply the circle of life at Augusta”

“That is the power of Augusta and the Masters.  It makes you think, it makes you reflect on so many things that you hold so dear.  The magic of it all – the dreams, the traditions, the memories.  And no doubt more are going to be made this weekend.”

“Given the soft condition and still conditions…you can almost sense that we will have a day or roars.  Will we be serenaded in fact?  We will find out.”

“I hope you’re sharing this special day of golf with someone special to you”

Admit it, it wouldn’t it shock you at all to hear that Nantz openly lobbied his wife to give birth to their children on the 14th green, would it?

The Snappy Media Rant: Turn Back the Clock Week w/ John Seibel
For all the crap we’ve thrown ESPN’s way over the past 5 years (and trust us, nearly all of it was deserved), one thing we’re not afraid to do is commend the WorldWide Leader for the refurbished ESPNews.  The new format and color is pretty impressive, and it’s a fine upgrade to the usually solid coverage of highlights and sports news throughout the course of the day.    

Just behind Baseball Tonight and College Gameday, ESPNews is one of the few ‘programs’ we still watch on the network, primarily because it’s devoid of the filler and fluff society has grown to hate about SportsCenter, ESPN Original Entertainment, Chris Berman's ties, etc.

On the whole, the News anchors do their job like professionals, unwilling to steal the spotlight and in an attempt to become the show.  That is, except for John Seibel.  In one 30-minute edition of “ESPNews Post-Game”, Seibel dropped a cornucopia of snappy lines, alliteration and metaphors that would make a 1991 edition of SportsCenter jealous -- not to mention make Bob Carpenter howl with joy.

Behold the power of Seibel:

Like when Scott Gomez helps his teammate score in the playoffs:
"Scott Gomez: good hockey player, good screen-door."

Fun and clever ways to describe a basket and the foul:
"The make and the misdemeanor.”
"The bucket and the boo-boo."

And without the foul:
"Solitude of the cylinder."

How about a little music reference to satisfy the pop culture quota?
"He goes Roger Waters on Patrick Elias: he builds a wall!"

And a good old fashioned cliché?
"We're going to go out west, young man."

And hell, let’s invent a new nickname for Tiger Woods.  
"The Fabulous Feline."

You know what this show needs?  A new HOME RUN CATCHPHRASE!
"Vladimir Guerrero: a violent concussion of hardball and hickory."

And let’s return to the majestic land of witty slam dunk calls, otherwise known as 1989!
"Steve Nash is the peanut butter to Amare Stoudemire's  jam."

Have you heard the one about the golfer who walked into the pastry store?
"Freddy (Couples) stopped by the pastry store before the round; thought he had a danish until he found a hole in one."

Suffice it to say, the Bobber's thumbs are pointing way up.