Stool Samples

They say that bad things come in three.  Turns out they were right.

In the past few weeks, we’ve lost Stool Samples icons Sean Salisbury and Brett Favre and now we’ve had to come to a sad conclusion that we’ve lost another one of our whipping boys.

Pedro Gomez is done covering Barry Bonds.

Deep down, we knew it was the case since there’s nothing really to cover with Bonds anymore, but SI.com’s Richard Deitsch printed an interview with Gomez on Monday that really drove it home.  In it Gomez acknowledged that Barry Bonds will probably be forever entangled with his legacy as a reporter – if ESPN reporters do in fact have legacies - but also noted that he will be moving on to cover items such as the Euro 2008 championships in which Bonds will most certainly not be a part.

And with Pedro’s sad divorce from his sidekick of several years, Stool Samples bids adieu to the loads of easy jokes we had at Pedro’s expense.

We’re sure Barry Bonds is equally distraught.  We’ve often imagined that when Bonds woke up in the mornings during his historic homerun chase, he would be greeted by an answering machine packed with a Bill Lumberg-esque cache of messages from Pedro desperately trying to break the story of what Barry was eating for breakfast.

Something tells us Barry will miss his Pedro.  It’s only human nature to bond with the grown man who was sleeping in the tree outside your back window for the last three years.

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
"The (Spurs and) Patriots are the model franchises in sports, along with the Yankees who have been a dynasty as well." – Jeff Van Gundy

Got to love those Yankees.  They’ve totally dominated this decade.
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"Shaun Alexander's turkey has popped already." - Eric Kuselias, ESPN

We think we know what Eric is trying to say here – that Alexander’s career is all but over – but none of us want to imagine Shaun’s turkey popping.
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"Mushnick had compiled a roster of wrestlers who died before the age of 50. Between 1985 and 2006, there were at least 89 such deaths. A Florida congressman seized on these figures to call for an investigation of steroids in wrestling." - Mark Kriegel, Foxsports.com

Blanket statements like these are always fun because they provide no context as to how any of the wrestlers actually died.  Might as well just assume that steroids off’d them all.
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"Big Show should throw Mayweather into the upper deck like he was shot out of a circus cannon because this is nothing but a glorified circus. Or maybe he can do to him what Muhammad Ali pledged to do to Sonny Liston, and turn Floyd into a human satellite."  - Larry Merchant, HBO Boxing Analyst

Because we don’t often quote boxing commentary we don’t get to do this often but here goes – Larry Merchant is a freaking idiot.  Man, that felt good.
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"I have come to the realization that Barry Bonds' name will be in the first paragraph of my obituary… I'm fine with it." – Pedro Gomez, via SI

Let it out, Pedro. It's emotional for all of us.
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"We're going vertical (on the left side of the screen) instead of horizontal; it'll be a totally different way of presenting data."- Patrick Caulfield, ESPN (via USA Today) on the new ESPNews Bottom Line

And by totally different way of presenting data, he means the same information will scroll in a different direction. Revolutionary.
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"This truly is an unbelievable sport that has grown nationwide; the very best of the best right here for the national championship." – Bill Seely, ESPN, at the Universal Cheerleader Association championships

Bill Seely would be an awesome analyst at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.

Media Rant: Bill Plaschke Earns D+ on Juan Pierre Essay
Bill, as your English teachers, we regret to inform you that your latest essay on Juan Pierre titled “Dodgers’ Juan Pierre is right where he belongs” failed to earn high marks.  We’ve added our thoughts and commentary and would appreciate your willingness to comprehend and adapt so that, in the future, your work won’t resemble dog feces.

Due to our own time constraints, we only edited the first 13 paragraphs.  If you’d prefer to meet in person to discuss further, we could do so after class on Thursday.  Until then, please take these comments as nothing more than constructive.  We want to see you improve as a writer.
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There's a boxer in the house.

Good opening!  Grabs the attention and sets the tone!

"Yeah, last year, I got beat up pretty good," says Juan Pierre.

There’s the metaphor!  Juan got beat up pretty good last year, so he’s a boxer.  Good supporting quote!

There's defiance in the house.

Okay, but let’s try and put an end to the one-sentence paragraph.  Like we talked about early in the semester, a paragraph has 3 or more sentences.  And remember, the body paragraph has a topic sentence, topic-supporting sentences, and an ending sentence.

"If people really think the reason we lost last year was because my arm wasn't strong enough, or because I didn't get on base enough, hey, that's cool, I'll be the man, I'll take it," says Pierre.

At least it was a supporting quote! :)

There's resolve in the house.

Okay, seriously; we’re off to a bad start.  Just stop.  We appreciate the effort for the pattern of sentence structures, but reading 5 paragraphs in 5 sentences reflects lazy writing and is really quite boring.

"I'm coming into this season with a chip on my shoulder . . . just like every season," says Pierre.

Make that 6 for 6.

Fans don't appreciate him. Statisticians can't calculate him. Bloggers downright brutalize him.

Bill, he’s not appreciated and “brutalized” because his OBP hasn’t been above .331 since 2004 – and he’s a leadoff hitter.  He’s also making, on average, a shade under $9 million per year.

I like him.

We don’t care who you like or dislike, William.  This isn’t about your interest level in a player, it’s about your thesis: Juan Pierre on the Dodgers’ club.

Now that the Dodgers have added Rafael Furcal's health and Andruw Jones' pop, I think Juan Pierre's presence at the top of the lineup will be as oversized as his cap.

Good attempt at a simile; but remember what we discussed on the first day of class: similes are for 4th graders and won’t be tolerated in this class.  You’re in the 6th grade now.  Also use of the phrase “I think” is unnecessary.  You’re writing the article, we already know that this is what you’re thinking.

Now that the Dodgers have moved him to left field, I think Juan Pierre will fit as easily there as his bat fits on a bunt.

We’ve run into the same problem again, Bill: similes and “I think”.  We’re not penalizing you for repeating the same mistake twice, but please note our commentary.

Now that Joe Torre is installing an aggressive running game, I think Pierre's ability on the basepaths will be as evident as the dirt streaks on his jersey.

Jesus.

Now that it can be a complement instead of a cornerstone, I think the idea of Juan Pierre will work.

Good use of the “rule of 3s”, but as stated above, there isn’t a need to have sentences begin with the same structure and words.

Hate him or not.

No one really hates him, Bill.  The criticisms are directed in a professional manner.  And technically that’s not a complete sentence.
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Come on, Bill - 13 paragraphs in 15 sentences?   That’s not acceptable.

Overall, you still need some serious work.  Please take our comments seriously and turn in a revised copy on Thursday.  Staple this version to the end so that we can “adjust our grading” appropriately.

ABC Employs Jeff Van Gundy’s Ipod for NBA Telecasts
The combination of songs used to get in and out of commercial breaks during an NBA game never cease to amaze us.  Two weeks ago Sunday was no exception as the Lakers hosted the Mavericks in what turned into an overtime Lakers victory.  Not including the pregame and overtime festivities, the following songs made an appearance: 

"Livin on a Prayer" - Bon Jovi

"California Dreamin'" - The Mamas and the Papas

"Start Me Up" - The Rolling Stones

A song we couldn't identify by an artist we couldn't identify

A folk song we couldn't identify by a folk artist we couldn't identify

"Hotel California" - The Eagles

"Thriller" - Michael Jackson

"Low Rider" - War

"I Love L.A." - Randy Newman (yes, we had to look up the singer, but a damn good song thanks to The Naked Gun)

Needless to say, Bon Jovi has much more work to do.

Stool Samples is written by the cofounders of the sports humor site, JoeSportsFan.com, Josh Bacott and Patrick Imig.  They promise all this stuff is real.  Email them at info@joesportsfan.com