Stool Samples

Chris Berman has taken plenty of heat on the blogs these past few months.  And after seeing him take a beating for his various video exploits, there was a small part of us that sort of started to feel a little bit sorry for the big guy.

Then we saw the “Greatest Highlight” segment on Sportscenter and the smidge of sympathy was quickly ushered out of JSF headquarters.  

That segment alone was a sufficient mixture of his famous ego, ridiculous shtick and overall sweatiness for us to remember why he’s always topped our power rankings for the media’s most annoying.

Within the Sportscenter segment, Berman is called on to present the greatest highlights in sports history for fans to vote on.  Simple enough.  Shouldn’t upset us in any way, right? 

But what you soon realize is that part of the appeal of most great highlights is that the announcer’s call is forever linked to the video to the point where separating the two significantly diminishes the goose bump effect.

When announcing clips such as Kirk Gibson’s dramatic World Series homerun on the Greatest Highlight, Berman didn’t simply introduce the classic Jack Buck or Vin Scully calls.  Instead we got the Berminator announcing it as if he was sitting in the booth in 1988.  Regardless of the true reasoning for the lack of audio, the whole segment reeks of something created by Berman so that he could take center stage alongside some of the most memorable moments in sports history. 

After watching him take all the joy out of the Gibson homerun, the words of Jack Buck’s famous call hit even closer to home:

“I don’t believe what I just saw.” 

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth

“The manager said his offseason ended with a bang.  Actually, several of them.  In the past week, he saw the Foo Fighters and Velvet Revolver even going back stage at one concert to meet the guitar hero himself, Slash.” – Derrick Goold , STL Post Dispatch on Tony LaRussa

In reality, there is nothing wrong with this quote, but we always find it utterly hilarious when we get to picture Tony LaRussa jamming out at a Velvet Revolver concert and partying with Slash.

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”You know, there are games where you look at your team and you almost feel as though it’s Invasion of the Body Snatchers.   You don’t recognize, individually, players or collectively as a team what’s allowed once you get to a certain point in the season.  Purdue has been so successful all season and yet, it’s Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  Do you agree with me?” – Steve Lavin

People, this is what happens when excess hair-gel fumes seep into your brain. 
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"Coach Sampson has set a great example for his team staying focused on the task at hand.” – Steve Lavin

He lost us at ‘Coach Sampson has set a great example’.

Dancing with the Stars loves the NFL  
Jason Taylor is building quite the resume.  In addition to being an All Pro defensive lineman and calling out steroid cheats like Shawne Merriman, Taylor has made a mark here at Stool Samples headquarters.  This past summer, he joined the likes of Rob Dibble with his belief that there are “more important things than sports” when he was asked about Miami fans hating on Nick Saban for jetting out of south Florida and going to Alabama.

"I don't want to get too political, but we're in a war based on false pretenses. We have problems in this nation with health care and affordable housing, and how many politicians have lied about that? And people want to freak out because Nick Saban wouldn't coach a football team?" 

Taylor added to his portfolio late Monday night when it was revealed he’ll be a participant on the next version of Dancing with the Stars.  Unlike Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice before him, Taylor is still an active player – who just happens to be playing under the watch of Bill Parcells.   We’re just amazed that, with a war going on, the American public can find time to watch non-dancers makes fools of themselves doing the tango. 

We’re not sure if his dance arrival on stage is a sign that he’s retiring, but if so, we nominate Taylor to replace Emmitt Smith on Sunday NFL Countdown (Smith is, unfortunately, still a part of the WorldWide Leader).  Taylor did a markedly better job in his brief studio appearances on NBC during the Wild Card round than Emmitt did at any point in the season - but then again, a Whirlpool Refrigerator could have done a better job.

Media Rant - Dude, check out that motor
In the sports media lexicon, one of the easiest players to evaluate is an NFL defensive end that happens to be white.  If that simple criteria is met, then the player instantly qualifies as having a “high motor”.  It’s the football equivalent of a baseball player being “scrappy”. 

The same way you never hear a black baseball player called scrappy, you’ll rarely hear of a black football player who has a motor, instead they’re normally lauded for being “athletic” or “freakish”. 

With the 2008 NFL Draft fast approaching, a lot of talk has been focused on Virginia DE Chris Long, son of Howie Long.   The consensus second DE taken is Vernon Gholston out of Ohio State, an African American.  It was time to test one of our most highly touted media stereotypes.  Was the media as predictable as we say they are?  A ten-minute search online told the story…

Fox Sports
"Long has a non-stop motor and possesses tremendous technique on the edge."

"A physical freak and a tenacious pass rusher, Gholston presents a versatile package to a team at the next level."

ESPN
"Chris is not a prototypical edge rusher, but he is a dominant playmaker with rare versatility and a motor that never quits." - Todd McShay, ESPN.com

"Gholston is one of the premier pass-rushing prospects in the 2008 class, and he would be the right fit as a rush linebacker in the Jets' 3-4 scheme." - Todd McShay

NFL-Draft-Site.com
"Howie Long's son is a special talent capable of playing defensive end or outside linebacker. His motor never stops and he is destined to be a hall of famer."

"The Patriots linebackers are getting very old and Gholston is highly prized for teams that run a 34 defense. At a chiseled 6' 3" 265 he has the size and athletic ability to play standing up for the Pats."

NFL Draft Countdown
"Not only is Long a perfect fit for Miami's 3-4 scheme but he also brings the type of intensity and non-stop motor that "The Tuna" covets."

"A physical marvel and fantastic pass rusher, Gholston played defensive end for the Buckeyes but should be able to make the successful transition to outside linebacker in a 34 scheme at the pro level."

Fan Nation (SI & CNN blog)
9. Cincy Bengals- DE Chris Long- the Bengals need more pressure on the QB to take the pressure off of the young secondary. Chris Long will fall this far if the Jets take Gholston. Cincy will get a guy with a motor that never ever quits."

"6. NY Jets- OLB Vernon Gholston- I know that DE Chris Long is sitting there but I just think that Vernon Gholston will be a better fit at 3-4 OLB to get pressure on the QB immediately. I think that Chris Long will be a 3-4 or 4-3 DE. Gholston is 6-4 255 and will run a 4.55 40. This guy will give that young talented secondary more opportunities."

Scout.com and Peter King don’t want to be left out...

"With a motor that never stops running and the size, intensity, and athleticism coaches look for in a defensive lineman, Long has the total package." - Scout.com

“Chris Long has progressed from being an intelligent college prospect when he entered Virginia to the kind of high-motor, edge-rushing force that has put him in competition for the top pick of the April draft.” – Peter King

And hell, why should we keep it strictly to media members?  Even the players and coaches know when they’re supposed to break out the clichés…

"I just know that he's a real good player, and he's got an unbelievable motor." – Franklin Dunbar, Middle Tennessee offensive tackle

"He's got ability, but the other thing is he's very relentless. He's just playing all the time. He's got a big motor, he's got good technique and he's got good strength." - Randy Edsall, Connecticut head coch

"He has a motor like nobody I've seen before." – Duane Brown, Virginia Tech offensive tackle

If only Gholston could get one of those motors, he might have the opportunity to pass Long on the draft boards.  Unfortunately at the combine, only white players were tested for motor. 

Stool Samples is written by the founders of the sports humor site, JoeSportsFan.com, Josh Bacott and Patrick Imig.  They swear this stuff is real.  Email them at info@joesportsfan.com