Stool Samples

It looks like 2007 Stool Samples MVP Peter King has decided to ratchet his game up a notch with Brett Favre one step shy of the Super Bowl.  He’s apparently using an alias and talking about said alias in the third person in his columns.  Check out his Monday Morning QB from SI.com this week if you don’t believe us:

There are some fans who like their team. There are some fans who love their team. And then there are the Packer fans. For my money, for sheer devotion, it's Green Bay one, Pittsburgh two and Cleveland three. Washington's up there, as are Denver and Dallas. (See if that starts the angry mail.) 

But the Packers are No. 1, and people such as Robert Ruprecht are why. Our little crew -- including old pal Mike Silver, who is always ready to be led astray -- encountered Ruprecht in a classic Wisconsin tavern late Friday night. "I just want to tell you one thing," Ruprecht, a 39-year-old optometrist from LaCrosse told me, his eyes crystal clear. "When Brett Favre retires, I will cry. In fact, the day he retires I will call in sick. I won't be able to work…."This is going to sound weird," he said. "I dream about this guy. I dream that I'm going shopping with him. I'm not kidding. I'm just saying, we worship Favre."

Let’s analyze this. 

Peter King walks into a bar in Green Bay and runs into a guy who worships Brett Favre so much that he will cry and call in sick when he retires and dreams about doing everyday stuff with him (oh, I don’t know, perhaps like dreaming about what Favre does on his days off).  And this guy is a “39-year old optometrist from LaCrosse”?  Sure. 

Call us crazy, but we think we may have just been introduced to Pete’s alter ego.  Go ahead, substitute “Peter King” with “Robert Ruprecht” in that paragraph and see if it seems the least bit ridiculous. 

If we’re ever trying to get a hold of King at a hotel or something, we know exactly what name we’re asking for. 

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth

"There's only been one team to go 16-0, and that is the Dolphins, and we classify them as the greatest team that ever played the game, all because they went 16-0."-Emmitt Smith

Not sure which way to attack this quote, so we’ll simply cover all our bases.  The ’72 Dolphins finished 17-0.  If we were to consider them the greatest team ever for going 16-0, we’d be excluding the fact that they won the Super Bowl, which, you know, more or less cemented the ‘greatest ever’ tag.  Second, the Patriots of 2007 finished the regular season 16-0.  Third… oww… Emmitt Smith quotes sometimes make our head hurt.

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"He's running well.  He's running well today." - Darryl Johnston, on Shaun Alexander

At the time of the comment, Alexander had a blistering 6 carries for 6 yards.  Not sure what game Johnston was watching, but Alexander finished with 20 yards rushing on 9 carries. 

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“Speaking of those injections, if that's all Clemens is accused of doing, it's not much. I'm no expert on performance-enhancing drugs, but 21 injections over a four-year period don't exactly make Roger Clemens a steroid abuser.” – Richard Justice, Houston Chronicle

Seems to us that anyone who uses steroids illegally could probably be deemed a “steroid abuser”.  Logic tells us Clemens isn’t taking them to help recover from a nasty virus.  Moreover it’s going to be interesting to watch the media make the transition from “steroids are evil” to “well, he didn’t take that many steroids” as time goes by.

"He's been sucking up quarterbacks all day long.  He's been monstrous."-Cris Collinsworth on Patrick Kearney

It’s written within the JSF Handbook that any and all references involving the terms “sucking” and “monstrous” need be documented, regardless how juvenile it may be.

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“Roethlisberger, to his credit, may be one of the top two or three if not the best guy at extending the play in the league for a guy his size.” – Sean Salisbury

The Salisbury statement has many twists and turns so as to hold up should things go haywire.  Let’s examine, shall we?  Roethlisberger may be 2nd or 3rd best (or maybe 1st)... at doing something that is immeasurable... for people who are 6’5”...  He may be. Good old “Big Mouth" always takes a firm stance. 

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"Every year there's always a team that gets into the playoffs and a lot of the experts say 'that's the team you don't want to face.’  That team, this year, is the Jacksonville Jaguars."- Al Michaels

We took a poll in Stool Samples headquarters and, as unexpected as it sounds, the unanimous winner for “the team you don’t want to face” was the team that went 16-0 in the regular season.  Shocking.

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"It usually comes down to the best 8 teams."- Phil Simms

Rest assured that when it doesn’t, Phil Simms will let us know that he knew it was coming.

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"Barber, to me, is the hardest running back in football."- Mike Ditka on Marion Barber

Garnering quite the reputation there, aren’t we Marion?

We have an important question: what is Mike Patrick doing with his Career?

We never documented the plight of ESPN’s Mike Patrick back in the fall, so if you need a refresher, here goes.  During the final seconds of an overtime game between Georgia and Alabama, Patrick inexplicably asked his colleagues what got into Britney Spears.  Just before Georgia snaps the ball on what turned out to be the game winning touchdown pass, the following exchange took place between Patrick and analyst Todd Blackledge:

Patrick: "I have an important question."

Blackledge: "Go ahead."

Patrick: "What is Britney doing with her life?"

Blackledge: "Who?"

Patrick: "Britney!"

Blackledge: "Britney who?"

Patrick: "Spears! What is she doing with her career?"

Blackledge: "Why do we care at this point? Is she here?"

Patrick: “I don’t think so.”

Blackledge: “Is she a football fan?”

Patrick: “Oh, I’m sure she is.”

Needless to say, it’s best for all involved if Mike Patrick sticks strictly to the game at hand.  The friendly pop culture chatter isn’t working out – but he doesn’t see it that way.  During the final minutes of North Carolina’s blowout of NC State Saturday afternoon, Patrick continued his foray into pop culture and utter stupidity when he and Len Elmore discussed an online outlet for odd-colored sports coats and, um, fish sticks. 

"If you want a lime green sport coat, you ought to have to look for a long time to locate one!  Shouldn't you?" - Mike Patrick

"Who wants free fish sticks?  I mean, at any price, who wants fish sticks?  What do you get a lime green jacket with that?" - Mike Patrick

At this point, we won’t be surprised if Patrick announces an ACC game listening to Britney Spears while sporting a lime green jacket and eating fish sticks in the booth.

Chronicling Terry Bradshaw

A few months ago, we documented Terry Bradshaw’s infatuation with incorporating Terry Bradshaw into his analysis of quarterbacks.  Lo and behold, when the topic of Tony Romo’s vacation with Jessica Simpson was simmering in the media, a local newspaper sought TB’s advice. 

The results were predictable:

"If only Tony had called me and said, 'Terry, Jessica and I are going to go to Mexico,' I would've told him: 'You crazy?  Don't do that!  The paparazzi is going to find you, man.  You're a star. She's a star.  It's just going to happen.' "

"Tony is obviously different than me. He's one of the young kids who wears his cap on backward. It's cool. And God bless him.  I like the heck out of Tony Romo.  I just wouldn't have done what he did ... I couldn't allow my mind to go there."

"For an athlete, there's no time off ... until it's over.  You don't take a mental break.  No way that I would ever, ever do what Tony did."

"Everybody in Dallas knows you played horribly when Jessica showed up [against Philadelphia]. OK, now what if you play poorly [against the Giants]? You haven't exactly lit up the place lately. I don't understand. Why set yourself up?"

We can’t figure out what’s more comical: the amount of TB Terry incorporated into his synopses of Romo/Simpson or the fact that someone at the Fort Worth Star Telegram sought out the insight of Terry Bradshaw… ... for Romo/Simpson. 

If in fact Bradshaw retires from Fox when his contract is up in 2011, we’ll still count on Terry Bradshaw answering the question “what would Terry Bradshaw do” whenever there is a ‘hot-button’ issue in the NFL.

Shedding the Genius Label

Following the St. Louis University Billikens and Rick Majerus’ history making 20 point disaster against George Washington last week, Foxsports.com college basketball writer Jeff Goodman had an epiphany:

“After his team managed a record-low 20 points last night, Rick Majerus can no longer be referred to as a genius.” 

“It should be a rule.”

We don’t disagree with the assertion that Majerus is having a rough go, nor do we disagree that Majerus isn't a genius.  For the (not) last time, a “genius” coach is not solely responsible for his team’s success.  It’s a combination of great coaching and great players.

Can we just shed the “genius” label for good, since it’s a misleading and nebulous term?  If Bill Belichick didn’t have Tom Brady at quarterback, something tells us he wouldn’t be a genius, either.  Maybe we should solicit Terry Bradshaw for his opinion.

Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.  They’re pretty sure Terry Bradshaw wouldn’t have written this column the way they did.  Email them at info@joesportsfan.com