Stool Samples
When Stool Samples first came to life in fall of 2005, the primary concern was whether or not we would have enough “material” to write a column solely dedicated to the sports media every week.
Two years later, we’ve realized how naïve we were. The sports media has been incredibly gracious in providing us with ample material for all to enjoy and as a tribute to their top shelf performance over the last 52 weeks, we’ve once again compiled a recap of the previous year in media buffoonery.
We had a big party planned to celebrate complete with a 2,010 foot red carpet – ten feet longer than the awesomely record setting one that the Best Damn Sports Show unveiled at last year’s MLB All Star Game – but sadly it didn’t come in on time. Rather than sulk, we hit the keyboard and the result is the 2007 version of the Stool Samples Craptacular.
Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth – Brett Favre Edition
When Brett Favre retires, we anticipate that the Stool Sampleswill immediately go from around 1,500 words per week to roughly 800. Safe to say, the Gunslinger has cast quite the spell over the national media. This year Favre coverage hit an all-time peak, reaching the point where a nation of football fans was forced to listen to his wife recite a love poem to her husband before a Monday Night game in Green Bay.
In what is becoming a Craptacular tradition, before we get started, we must first reflect on the year in Favre.
"I love how Favre announced he was coming back on the Friday of Super Bowl week, and told the local paper in town. That is so classic Favre. He picked the time where the world would be most focused on something else, so he could get the minimum amount of attention. Beautiful." – Peter King
"And you know what? I don't care whether people are Packers fans or whatever, I'll reiterate what we said: rooting for Favre is like rooting for America." – Chris Berman
“Brett Favre is going to be 38 October 10th. October 10th should be a national holiday.” – Chris Berman
“I mean, we don't see him do a thousand commercials so when we see one like Wrangler, I say he must really like those jeans. He must wear them. It's refreshing.” – Terry Bradshaw on Foxsports.com
“On his bye Sunday, Favre did not chart any passes. My guess is he spent a long time cutting the grass, edging the front lawn where it meets the state highway in front of his house in Mississippi, then, for fun, watching the History Channel until he fell asleep." - Peter King, presumably typing from his laptop inside the tree house he had built in Favre’s backyard.
When Favre wears Wrangler jeans and watches the History Channel, he does it for America.
Welcome to Billy Packer Country
No matter how hard we search for one, no sport is without its share of moronic announcers, analysts and “experts”. Today, we’ll take you on a sport-by-sport tour of the Media Circus’ finest.
First up is Billy Packer and the gang taking basketball down a notch.
General Headscratchers
"Not that I know everything about basketball, but I like to go into games with some unknowns. I don't want to sit with a coach and ask him what he'll do. I like to play the game as I'm watching it."- Billy Packer
"Nobody is talking about (the Suns) as one of the greatest ever." - Bill Walton, presumably high as a kite and talking to a stuffed monkey
"Jacoby Ellsbury might be a young Steve Nash." – Peter King, proving that when a football writer compares a baseball player to basketball player, nobody wins.
“You can't even fathom the pain. Everyone believes Celtics fans get a free pass with this stuff because we won 16 titles in 30 years. Actually, it's the opposite. Long-suffering fans of perennial losers don't know what they're missing. You can't miss steak if you've never eaten steak, right?” - Bill Simmons forgetting that he and his fellow Red Sox fans whined for 86 years prior to 2004 despite “never eating steak”.
Hubert Davis Needs Some Conference Flash Cards
“You talk about Derrick Byars, he had to be in the running for Big 12 player of the year.” – Hubert Davis, ESPN speaking about Vanderbilt (SEC) star Derrick Byars.
Don’t sweat it Hubert. You’re on TV, lights are flashing; no one can blame you for one slip on what conference someone plays in…
“I’m really surprised that Illinois is in the tournament. They were 9-7 in the Big East.” – Hubert Davis
Quick: someone get Hubert a list of teams and conferences.
Sophomoric Humor at its Finest
"My partner (Clark Kellogg) predicted an upset, so he's going to be sitting on his Hogs." - Seth Davis on the Arkansas Razorbacks
“He has a nice package down low.” – James Brown on Mark Hairston
”He can jerk it. He can do it with his left hand or his right hand.” – Bill Raftery on Mike Conley Jr.
Waking Sleepers
When it comes to an event like the NCAA Tournament, the nature of today’s sports media is to produce as much information and opinion as quickly as possible. In 2007, the concept of picking the “sleeper” or the “Cinderella” took center stage. As far as we know, there’s no real stated criteria for what makes a “sleeper”, but one would think you probably want to focus on those teams seeded #6 and lower.
Just try telling that to our mainstream media friends.
“I know the Salukis are a No. 4 seed, but they will still be a Cinderella story if they make it to Atlanta because they hail from a mid-major conference.” – Jeff Goodman
"Southern Illinois (is the West Cinderella). When you look at their team, they are a defensive oriented team, which their defense creates offense." – Stacey King
Sportsline.com’s Gregg Doyel pegged #4 Texas (featuring Kevin Durant), as his “dark horse pick” in the East. And Jay Bilas?
“Watch out for Oregon, the number 3 seed. Oregon could wind up in the Final Four. That's a really good basketball team.” - Jay Bilas
“Georgetown is the one team that can sneak up to a lot of teams and end up in the Final Four.” – Digger Phelps
Yes, a 2 seeded team snuck up on everyone last year. Thank god we got the appropriate expert warning.
The National Pastime
From the broadcast booth to the studio, it’s estimated that 1 out of every 2 talking heads in baseball is a moron. Although we will concede that may be an aggressive estimate based simply off of watching too much Joe Morgan.
General Headscratchers
”It’s baseball. He’s hitting a little white ball. He’s hitting it over the fence. There’s kids dying in other countries for our freedoms. It’s not to that extent - people are missing the big picture here. It’s baseball, it’s a game; it’s played for entertainment value. Let’s keep it as such.” – Rob Dibble, trivializing the issue of steroids because clearly those who are interested in steroids in baseball no longer care about the war in Iraq.
“But if this season he can stay healthy, we could see the Prior of old. And it's this simple: if the 26-year-old right-hander can give the Cubs 200 innings, they could pull off a stunner and win the National League Central.” - Mike Krukow falling victim to the Prior/Wood curse documented in the 2006 Craptacular
“When a catcher has to use his thumb to give signs, that means the pitcher has more than four pitches.” – Tim McCarver, proving that he can count… so long as you allow him to use his hands.
"Once a guy drops his bat, baserunning is the biggest determining factor to whether you're going to get runs or not. It is so important. So important." - Tim McCarver
“If you ran over a dog with no regard in front of La Russa, he and the rest of the PETA folks would think less of you. And if he did commit this crime, he proved that he puts the threat of running over a dog above the possibility that he could have killed some poor child by his recklessness. If that's not hypocrisy, I don't know what is.” – Jose De Jesus Ortiz, Houston Chronicle, seeing no problems with logic that determines that a man who dedicates time and money to an animal rescue foundation would rather kill children than dogs.
“If Canseco hadn't written his original book, we wouldn't know about guys using steroids... I personally think he did baseball a service because steroid use could have become rampant, with players doing permanent damage to their bodies.” – Joe Morgan, breathing a sigh of relief that the steroid problem didn’t become “rampant”.
Fun with New York
“He’s the reason the Mets were as good as they were offensively.” - Joe Morgan on how Jose Valentin - and his .271 average and 62 RBI - was the key to the Mets’ 2006 offense.
"Willie Randolph is the same guy that took them to within one out of the World Series last year. There's no way you let him go." - Steve Phillips (we’re still trying to figure out how and when the Mets were one out away from the ‘06 World Series.)
”To me, Roger Clemens is the third greatest pitcher in the history of baseball behind Walter Johnson and either Cy Young or Lefty Grove, however you want to look at it.” – Tim Kurkjian, ESPN defying the rules of math
“There are 30 major league baseball teams, but sometimes it seems as though the New York Yankees are the only team that ever wins the World Series.” – Andy Rooney in the Stamford Times
And A-Rod Sucks, Obviously
"The Yankees will never win a championship with such a mentally fragile guy as their highest paid player and the focus of their October expectation because (Alex Rodriguez) is incapable of carrying a team when it matters most in the postseason." - Skip Bayless
"Teams get better when (Alex Rodriguez) is not there because the chemistry is upgraded. The Yankees in their heyday had guys like Jim Leyritz and Chuck Knoblauch and Paul O'Neill. And at third base, a guy named Scott Brosius had 6 home runs in 98 in the postseason, batted .383, 15 RBI and he was making $2 million a year. So it doesn't matter about the money you make, it's all about chemistry and getting it done on the diamond." - Doug Stewart, host of “2 Live Stews” claiming that Scott Brosius and Chuck Knoblauch "got it done" on the diamond moreso than A-Rod.
Your IQ just dropped a little, didn’t it?
Sophomoric Humor at its Finest
“Jose Reyes shows that rocket he’s got hanging on the right side of his body.” – Joe Buck
"I just love the way he does it. No batting gloves. He's got that bat in his hands, feeling it all up and down." - Fernando Vina on Vlad Guerrero
And when it comes to perverse sexual phrases being worked into everyday conversation, no one does it better than St. Louis Cardinals legendary radio announcer Mike Shannon. Witness the laundry list of phrases he provided for our entertainment during a four-inning stretch on one Sunday broadcast:
“deep in the box”
“holds it on the knob”
“chokes it from the right side”
“takes a high hard one”
“splits the gap”
Intentional? Probably not. Entertaining? Every time.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Irrational Stylings of Steve Phillips
A lot of media members say stupid things, but not many of them held a prominent front office position with one of his league’s most prominent franchises. It’s what makes Baseball Tonight’s Steve Phillips so unique. Well, that and his incredibly idiotic and increasingly frequent rantings. Here are two of our favorites from 2007.
Defending his claim that Bud Selig should have forced Barry Bonds to sit out road games in order to break the Home Run record at home…
"This is about history right now. This is bigger than the game. This is bigger than this pennant race this year…And the fact is, they're playing the Dodgers and Padres; it's not going to impact the integrity of the schedule of that division race... The Giants are 11 games under .500 when Bonds plays and they're 4-7 when he doesn’t play, so his impact has not been that substantial.. It doesn't matter about that race; it is what is in the best interest of baseball right now. The reality is, when we look back at this legacy, it has to be people cheering for this record. It could be very ugly. I understand the emotional reaction to sitting him - but I think it HAS to happen. For Bud Selig, for Barry Bonds, for the Giants and for baseball, this has to be broken at home”
(If you’re questioning whether this collection of quotes was really as dumb as it reads. We encourage you to listen to the audio and try to figure out how Phillips didn’t get punched in the face by John Kruk.)
On whether Sammy Sosa used steroids…
“A lot of people are criticizing Sosa in the same way they criticized McGwire. That is clearly guilt by association, as he's never flunked a drug test and has never been rumored to take steroids. The other thing to consider is this: Why would a player who is on steroids cork his bat? Players who use steroids believe the drugs give them an advantafe (sic) and they're somewhat invincible. Players on steroids do not cork their bats in my opinion.”
The fact that a one time GM of the a Major League club actually believes a proven cheater won’t use steroids because he corks is bat gives us hope that we could one day manage for a living.
NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE
As many big names as the MLB media has, with all due respect, nothing compares to the NFL. The league’s meteoric rise in the American sports landscape has been complimented by a growing roster of Stool Samplesall stars. Every day we are given a mix of passion, intensity, staunch refusal to use the acronym “NFL” and a passion for the game that seemingly skews all reason.
General Headscratchers
”If (the Cardinals) draft Adrian Peterson, then they just don’t get it!” – Sean Salisbury
"He's a disciplined guy. He's done it the right way." - Rich Gannon on Marvin Lewis - the same Marvin Lewis who coaches the Bengals - and his loads of discipline
"Go ahead now, name 5 players on Jacksonville. Okay, name 2, and no, Maurice Jones-Drew doesn't count as two. The Jaguars are anonymous." - Tony Kornheiser
”(Drew) Brees had his 11-year-old Chow mix Alexis on a leash. After a few minutes, Alexis put her nose in the air, went to work, and defecated on the grass. The big test of a man followed… Second in the MVP voting, first in the all-pro voting at quarterback, and he picks up dog doo. That's what I call a heck of an American.” – Peter King
"I'm not sure if he’s the best receiver in the league, but you watch him on the field and he's second-to-none." - Mark Schlereth on Steve Smith
"I have two words for him: Advil." - D'Marco Farr
"We talk about Reggie Bush and we already acknowledge that Reggie Bush is not your every down back anyway... Reggie Bush is definitely effective, just not tonight."- Emmitt Smith discussing Reggie Bush’s lack of effectiveness in a game that Reggie Bush did not play in.
"In some instances, I believe Michael Vick has received more negative press than if he would've killed a human being. The way he is being persecuted, he wouldn't have been persecuted that much had he killed somebody." - RL White, Atlanta NAACP being completely and utterly ridiculous
Madden being Madden
“When you can give a body part to a teammate, you’re a real teammate.”
”If you don’t have a (helmet) on, you’re going to get hurt.”
“(The Colts) hope he’s Stokley. So far he hasn’t been.” – on rookie Anthony Gonzalez at the 4:46 mark of the 3rd quarter of Anthony Gonzalez’s first NFL game
"I think if (Randy Moss) has a chance to win, he's a pretty good team guy."
Joe Theismann will not be doing Juicy Fruit commercials any time soon
Based on his comments about Brady Quinn on NFL Draft day, it’s safe to say that Joey T just doesn’t dig on gum…
“The only thing I was disappointed in with the young man, and I hold his agents responsible for this, was to me, when you walk out on stage in front of millions and millions of people, that's a job interview. You don't go to a job interview chewing gum. And I felt like he could have presented himself in a much more professional manner. It looked like his tie was the first time he ever tried to tie one. It looked like his hair, he had just walked out of a shower, and he stands there, relieved as all get-out, chewing gum. And to me, that's not a professional image. And maybe I'm reading into it, but when it comes to drafts, when it comes to analyzing players, I think you have to look at everything."
Sophomoric Humor at its Finest
“Tom Brady can stick it in some tight spots.” – Phil Simms
”Quite honestly, the Falcons receivers are dumping all over Joey Harrington.” – Ron Jaworksi
“(Nick Barnett) likes the back door.” - Darryl Johnston
"Cedric Benson has got to start stroking it up in there." - Merril Hoge
"(Travis) Henry has moves on moves in the hole." - John Madden
“They really don’t want to see TO all night just lined up and getting banged by Al Harris.” – Chris Colinsworth
“If you think he’s hard now, wait until the fourth quarter.” – John Madden on Marion Barber
Brazen Overreaction
”(The Lions) will win a Wild Card.” – Skip Bayless
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"The Chargers are stunningly bad. Norv Turner has done a stunningly awful job... Last night was an embarrassment. This was a Patriots team that was ready to be had." - Bill Plaschke after Week 2
”This is unbelievable. We’ve watched an entire team, an entire franchise, just falling apart out on the West Coast.” – Kevin Blackistone on the Chargers, after Week 3
"(Tony Romo) has been the MVP thus far." - Jay Mariotti, after Week 4
“(Tony Romo) is still growing as a quarterback. He’s not in the same league as a Tom Brady, a Peyton Manning.” – Mariotti, after Week 5
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Peter King, early October: "(Reggie) Bush had better show something pretty soon. He's looking like el busto.”
Peter King, early November: "Reggie Bush is playing better and running more physically this year than last."
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"(Drew Brees is) horrendous, and he's not getting any better." - Bill Plaschke (uh, Bill, he set the all time record for completions with 440 this year)
“Vinny Testaverde: Story of the Year.” – Peter King
Most Valuable Media Member 2007
We figured that since we’re 3,000 words in, we might as well hand out a meaningless award. The criteria for the award? Who was the best at making this column easier simply by doing their jobs.
Honorable mention goes out to Steve Phillips of ESPN for his role covering baseball for the Worldwide Leader. When John Kruk knows you’re an idiot, you’ve accomplished something. But even Phillips’ insane rants about steroids or Barry Bonds weren’t enough to land him the award for Most Valuable Media Member of 2007. That distinction goes out to the one and only purveyor of the Monday Morning Quarterback, SI.com’s Peter King.
Week in and week out, even during the offseason, Peter King brings it with his unique mix of hero worship, name-dropping and completely bizarre personal details. Perhaps no other member of the media was counted on as much to produce this column in 2007 as King. He delivered. And that’s why he’s your 2007 MVMM.
Congratulations, Petey. Let us know how the next colonoscopy checks out.
Closing Statement
When you try and encapsulate an entire year’s worth of media crap into one convenient, readable column, you want to make sure to end it the right way. We figured we’d let 2006 Stool Samplesstar Sean Salisbury sum up everything in one sentence.
”Don’t read or listen to anything we say.”- Sean Salisbury
Amen, Sean.
Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Patrick Imig. They listen to everything Sean Salisbury says. E-mail them at info@joesportsfan.com