Stool Samples
Actual Crap That Came From People's Mouths
Two weeks ago, SHOWTIME (caps necessary) reran an “Elite XC” MMA broadcast which originally aired in February. We don’t fancy ourselves as huge MMA fans, but we’ll watch whenever we stumble onto it.
We found this particular MMA battle to be quite entertaining, but not because the fight was good (Frank Shamrock kicked the crap out of someone). We enjoyed our MMA viewing because of the unlikely trio of play-by-play man Mauro Ranallo and analysts Jay Glazer and Bill Goldberg.
Ranallo filled the broadcast with cheesy line after cheesy line. His cohorts didn’t exactly offer up snappy lines, nor did they offer up anything relevant at all. It was really confusing to watch knowing that Fox’s go-to-guy for football information was describing the action. And Bill Goldberg? He was, at one time, the hottest thing in professional wrestling, which gives the MMA [sarcasm] ample loads of credibility [/sarcasm].
While trying to comprehend what was being said between Ranallo, Goldberg and Glazer, we were halted when both were shown on camera. Just like a good tag team from the old days of the WWF, Goldberg and Glazer vow to seek and destroy. What would happen if the Bushwhackers saw them together in a dark alley?
They'd get their asses kicked for sure - and then Goldberg would beat up his partner for talking on his cell phone about the Redskins' compensatory draft pick.
At some point, MMA officials realized NFL insiders and ex-professional wrestlers with huge domes make great MMA color analysts, so we’re not going to be surprised the least bit if John Clayton and the Iron Shiek call UFC 85.
Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth
“Daniel, who led Missouri to a 9-2 season and finished fourth in the Heisman Trophy voting, has filed paperwork with an NFL committee that evaluates where college underclassmen might be selected should they leave early for the draft, the Dallas Morning News reported Monday.” – ESPN.com News Services
Mizzou finished 11-2.
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"You can mark down Sunday December 16th, 2007, that Fox Sports morphed into Access Hollywood." - Joe Buck
Joe, come on; we all know Fox Sports and ESPN morphed into Access Hollywood some time in the late '90s.
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"I still say the Steelers are overrated as a team. They're inconsistent at stopping the run. They're inconsistent at running the ball." -Emmitt Smith
To say the Steelers are overrated is fine, but to base that assumption on inconsistency at stopping the run is stupid. Coming into Week 15 (when Smith said it), the Steelers had given up 944 rushing yards, good for second in the league behind the Vikings. Even after getting gashed by Jacksonville Sunday afternoon, Pittsburgh ranks 3rd overall against the run.
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"One thing that all quarterbacks will tell you, it's kind of like golf. You know, where you don't want to overthrow it, you know, because you're throwing with wind but you want a tight spiral but you want a normal rotation, you want a normal throwing motion. Like I said, it's like golf: you're hitting into the wind, you tend to over-swing and so quarterbacks have to tend not to overthrow when they're playing in windy weather." - John Madden on passing in windy conditions
If all quarterbacks told us that, Madden would be a million dollar entrepreneur. Wait...
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“You can take the safe route, one that is non-combative and not aggressive. But in today's environment, I'm not sure we have the luxury to do that. And the Fox (network) brand allows us a little more latitude. There's a certain sense of edginess and aggressiveness.” Fox 2 St. Louis General Manager Kingsley Smith
Translation: “We have Foxbots, da**it!”
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"Did I do it to hit more home runs or get an edge? No. I did it to get back on the field.” – Fernando Vina, on HGH drug use
That makes it okay then, Fernando.
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“He’s everybody’s cousin. We all love (Brett Favre).”– Chris Berman
FAVRE!
Media Rant: Overkill in Atlanta
December 10th 2007 in Atlanta will forever be a day in sports infamy. For on that day, Steve Young and Emmitt Smith proved how dumb they really are.
Within minutes after the Saints disposed of the Falcons on Monday Night Football, Sal Paolantonio, along with Steve Young, Emmitt Smith and the MNF production crew figured they’d pile on a guy who didn’t even play in the game. And surprisingly, his name isn’t Michael Vick.
His name is Reggie Bush.
The Saints’ lopsided victory with Reggie Bush on the sidelines left the postgame coverage to center around one question: "Are Saints better off without Reggie Bush?"
And then the gallery responded…
"Tonight they were definitely better, but they did go up against the Atlanta Falcons, so let's keep that in perspective."- Emmitt Smith
"Reggie Bush is a unique talent and a unique player, but I don't know if that's always a positive." - Steve Young
"They got rid a lot of the trick plays that Reggie Bush would normally run, so this offense was a lot more efficient in this context."- Emmitt Smith
"The overarching issue is that Reggie Bush is going to have to create a career for himself, from the backfield. And that's going to be up to him to try to do." - Steve Young
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Thus far, Emmitt Smith is making the most sense, which is kind of scary. Yes, the Saints dominated MNF, but as Emmitt alluded to, it was against the Falcons. Having a “unique player” and a “unique talent” is always is a positive, Steve Young. It’s up to the use or misuse of said talent that can be “negative”. Getting rid of the “Reggie Bush plays” is an indictment of coaching and not Reggie Bush. Finally, Steve Young, Reggie Bush is not going to be, nor is he intended to be, a running back by nature. As Bill Parcells explained so well this year, he’s a “satellite player”. He should be lining up all over the field all year long, with or without Deuce McAllister. Do you people ever listen to the few intelligent voices on your show?
Carry on…
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"Maybe it's helpful, this game, to get re-associated with an every down back behind him." - Steve Young
"They seem to be liberated without having the specialty plays of Reggie Bush."- Sal Paolantonio
"You can say that, that's why I say tonight, it might have been better for one night to get re-associated with a back who is not going to need special care throughout the game." - Steve Young
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You clowns are acting like Reggie Bush is a 74-year-old woman who can’t control her bowels. Newsflash to MNF crew: Aaron Stecker has been on the team all year. After Deuce McAllister went down, he should have been the “every down back” to allow Bush the freedom of being the “satellite” player that he is. And Sal, Reggie Bush isn’t the one calling the plays, FYI.
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"In the long run, there's no question that Reggie Bush brings a tremendous amount to the team, but tonight? You can make the case that they were better off." - Steve Young
No, you can’t, Steve, because Reggie Bush didn’t play. In order to properly answer that question, we would need an example of the same game with Reggie Bush in it to compare to.
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"In the long run, it may not work, especially for this team. It can work for the New England Patriots and it may work for the Indianapolis Colts, but for a team like the New Orleans Saints, they definitely need to have a guy that they can hand the ball off to and allow them to have the running game they need."- Emmitt Smith
Um, Emmitt, it worked last year. You know, when Deuce McAllister was healthy all year long and was the “feature back”. It worked last year when Reggie Bush caught 88 passes, scored 8 TD and hauled in an 88 yard touchdown reception in the NFC Championship game last season. If Deuce McAllister hadn’t fallen to injury in the first quarter of this season, Reggie Bush wouldn’t have been the go to guy running the ball, fellas.
And as bad as you guys think he’s been this year, he has more yards rushing (581) in 12 games compared to 565 last season; and he’s averaging 3.7 YPC this season compared to last year’s 3.6. Certainly those aren’t great numbers by any means, but he’s still only played in 28 career pro games. He was also on pace for 96 receptions this season, which would have eclipsed last season’s receiving total.
We’ll admit that he’s got 10 fumbles in 28 career games and hasn’t “lived up to the hype”, but no one could live up to that amount of hype in this short a period.
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"I think Reggie Bush being out tonight actually makes Marques Colston better." - Steve Young
And Deuce McAllister being out makes David Patten better, right?
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"You're probably right. We talk about Reggie Bush and we already acknowledge that Reggie Bush is not your every down back anyway. He is a guy that you make a small package for and you give him 5 touches in the backfield and you give him some pass catches out of the backfield. That's why he's leading the team in receptions and so Reggie Bush is definitely effective, just not tonight."- Emmitt Smith
Considering he didn’t play, we’d say yes, he wasn’t effective tonight.
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”I think the answer is the Saints offense would be a lot better if they had to play the Falcons every week not if they had to play without Reggie Bush every week.”– Tony Reali, Around the Horn
People, when someone on Around the Horn is the voice of reason, we’ve got problems.
Stool Samples is written by the cofounders of the sports humor site, JoeSportsFan.com, Josh Bacott and Patrick Imig. They swear all this stuff is real. Email them at info@joesportsfan.com