Stool Samples

By now you’ve probably all heard about the NFL’s latest selection for the halftime show entertainment at the Super Bowl.  Ladies and gentlemen, the 2008 Super Bowl halftime extravagant will be performed by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.  Finally, millions of rabid football fans across the land will be able to enjoy what they’ve all been waiting for - an artist who was in the original Farm Aid in 1985.

It took us a few years, but we’ve finally started to figure out the strategy of the “new” brand of halftime entertainment.  No longer can the league go the edgy route with the hip, modern acts.  Those are the people who expose their nipples on stage.  These days there are two criteria that a halftime candidate must meet:

--You were popular no later than 30 years ago--
--You must be a man who looks freakishly like a female--

Two years ago we got transported back in the 60’s with The Rolling Stones taking the stage featuring everybody’s favorite long haired, big-lipped, botox filled, black wristband-wearing lead singer



Then we graduated to Prince, who has made an entire career out of looking like a creepy she-male complete with wispy “is it fake or not?” mustache.



As for this year’s talent, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers first album hit the stores in 1976 so check that one off the criteria requirements.  As for looking like a female?  Let’s just say…check

 

Honestly, it's a shame they have to meet both qualifications, because we thought this guy would have been a great choice for 2009. 



Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth
“They really don’t want to see TO all night just lined up and getting banged by Al Harris…you want to say it’s a pure man-to-man matchup but it’s really not because the Cowboys won’t let it happen.”  – Chris Colinsworth

Chris Colinsworth is really going overboard trying to get people to watch the NFL Network.
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"It's way too early to say what I'm going to say, but I'm telling you what sportswriters all over this press box are thinking: they're thinking, ‘Well, maybe this is the night.  They held them out of the end zone.  They just gave up three, they had two nice runs in a row… and that would be history, if I was here to cover that game.’"- Tony Kornheiser, in the 1st quarter of MNF

It’s way too harsh to say what we’re going to say, but we’re telling you what sports fans all over the Internet are thinking: we’re thinking, ‘This is why the sports media as a whole is dull, lame and predictable.’
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"It's horrible, not only for (Sean Taylor) but for those other four families.  There are four other lives that are gone." - OJ Simpson

Keep an eye out for OJ’s new book, “If I actually pretended to care about Sean Taylor and other murder victims, here is how I would do it”
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”This year, they allow the quarterbacks to really rough the balls up pretty good.  I mean they’re broken in very, very well… and so it surprises me that sometimes the ball comes out like that.  I don’t know what that’s about.”– Troy Aikman, on an Eli Manning fumble

Ha… he said “rough the balls up pretty good”.

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"Would anyone blame (Greg Anderson) for turning on Bar-roid at this point?" - Roger Lodge, guest host of Jim Rome is Burning

See there kids?  You too can be a guest host of Rome is Burning.  Only requirements are that you become friends with Jim Rome and use freakishly funny nicknames that would make Skippy Bayless jealous. 
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"Compared to Isaac Bruce and Torry Holt, (Drew Bennett's) a lot younger target." - Matt Vasgersian, Fox Sports

If your definition of “a lot younger” than Torry Holt is 2 years, then absolutely; Drew Bennett is the present and the future.  And god knows that when a QB drops back to pass it's not how open a receiver is that he notices, it's how old he is. 
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"Frank Gore is one (underrated player) that just doesn't get any attention." - Greg Gumbel
"Fantasy guys know about him though; they love him." - Dan Dierdorf

The fact that Gore hadn’t surpassed 90 yards rushing in a single game until Week 12 is one reason he isn't getting any attention this year.  It's also a reason fantasy guys are a bit disappointed in him this year.
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“(Brett Favre) was the little girl with the curl.” –Chris Berman

It's quotes like this one that makes us think Berman will be sitting next to a bottle of Jurgens and his SI sportsman of the year issue.
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“Barry Larkin won it in 1995. Known as a power-hitting shortstop, Barry hit .319 but played in just 131 games. All his numbers fell far short of Rollins.” – Bill Conlin, Philly.com

It sure seems like playing in 131 games would derail a player's chances of winning the MVP.  Wait, what's that?  The 1995 season was comprised of 144 games because of the previous year's strike?  Wow. 

In a column which inherently relied on facts, you'd think Bill Conlin would have either looked it up or disclosed the information (assuming he knew it).   

New Get Rich Quick Scheme: every time Emmitt Smith uses the word "playbook", you pay us $100
"You talk about the game being very cerebral.  What that really means is that you have an opportunity to learn theplaybook, the basicplaybook, and what this team is doing, they are taking in their basicplaybookand expanding thatplaybook throughout the whole season.  These guys know the basics, they also know the adjustments, and they also know the expansion of thatplaybookand they can scrap thatplaybook at any point in time and these players understand the entireplaybookand they are having a great time playing football and not only that, but executing their x's and o's."- Emmitt Smith

Awesome.  We just made $700.  And in the meantime we got the added bonus of getting to listen to Emmitt Smith try to explain why something is “cerebral”.

Chris Rose Will Host Your Terrible Sports Broadcast
We’ve laid out our thoughts on the train wreck that is the BCS and college football enough this week, but one thing which avoided critique was the horrifically bad BCS Special on Fox Sunday night.  To counter the inevitable confusion a BCS television show produces,  Fox put together a panel that included Charles Davis and loudmouths Jimmy Johnson and Barry Switzer to discuss the particulars.   And only one man could possibly host this Emmy-quality broadcast - Chris Rose.

It was bad; really bad.  And after thinking about it, we’ve realized that Chris Rose is the host of pretty much every bad major sports event on TV.  When he’s not dragging out what should be a 10 minute broadcast into 30 minutes of crap (BCS show), he’s hosting the MLB All Star Game Red Carpet Special (LOOK AT THIS CARPET... IT'S 2,000 FEET LONG!).  All the while he’s corralling Rob Dibble, Rodney Peete and John Salley during the totally awesome Best Damn Sports Show Period.  And fair or unfair, he’ll always be synonymous with frosted tips.

The person may very well be fine, but man, Chris Rose the announcer is hitting well below the Mendoza Line.

Stool Samples is written by the cofounders of the sports humor site, joesportsfan.com, Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.  They swear all this stuff is real.  Email them at info@joesportsfnan.com