Stool Samples

If we were to publish a self-help pamphlet for sports networks to create quality studio programming, one of the golden rules would read as follows: “Avoid the use of celebrities and pop culture icons for the sake of including celebrities and pop culture icons.”  Sadly, that rule is rarely followed.  If it’s not Faith Hill singing on NBC, it’s Vince Vaughn or Russell Crowe sitting down in the booth with Tirico, Jaws and Kornheiser on Monday Night Football.  And if it’s not Carmen Electra battling Tony Romo in Guitar Hero 3, it’s the Snoop D-O-Double-G.  

Such was the case this past Sunday on what is quickly reaching the unwatchable level (if it hasn’t already), ESPN Sunday NFL Countdown.  Proving there is no need for a 2 hour pregame show, the ESPN production team thought it would behoove the audience to interview head coach of the Snoop Dog All Stars, Snoopy Doggy Dog.  But this wasn’t your typical pop culture foray into the sports landscape; this was Snoop Dog dropping insight on what makes Tony Romo such a great master of improvisation on the field.  
 
Seriously; just read the product description for this past Sunday’s show.  
 
”Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is a master of improvisation after taking the snap from center - making some his best plays on his own and not drawn by the offensive coordinator. Greg Garber talked to Romo’s teammates and sought out another master of improvisation – rapper Snoop Dogg - to get a better feel for how and why Romo appears most successful when things are most chaotic on the field.”  

So this wasn’t even a case of pop culture playing the role of “pop culture” on a football show where football fans tune in to see football coverage, it was Snoop Dog playing the role of Bill Parcells.  As a result, SportsCenter Voice Guy was relegated to rapper speak.

Poor SportsCenter Voice Guy.

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
"They're the epitome of arrogance.  They're the epitome of a swagger.  They're the epitome or running up the score. They're very, very unlikable." - Bill Plaschke on the Patriots

Up until the running up the score part, we thought Plaschke was talking about the Around the Horn panel.
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"(West Virginia’s) schedule is kind of favorable in that they have a ranked team at home which will help them if they get a (win) there.  Another interesting team is Ohio State because their season is done." – Kevin Blackistone
 
No problems with the opinion that West Virginia will end up in the BCS title game, but justifying said stance because the Mountaineers play top ranked UCONN is kind of silly since Missouri and Kansas still play each other, with the winner playing Oklahoma or Texas in the Big XII Championship game the following week.  The quality opponents aspect of the schedule favors Missouri and Kansas much more than West Virginia.  
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"(Kyle Vanden Bosch) is a guy that's got a motor that's going all the time." - Tom Jackson
 
Translation: “Kyle Vanden Bosch is white… and is a really good defensive end.”

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"I'm not fooled by (Terrell Owens being a “team player”) because a lot of that interview was 'me, my, I.' And that's the way it's always going to be." - Terry Bradshaw (via USA Today)
 
An interesting take from a man who can’t write a column without interjecting his name into the fray.

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“Thanks to a pair of touchdown returns by Darren Sproles, one on the game's opening kickoff and another on a punt, the Chargers held a 16-0 lead before they completed their first pass (which didn't happen until 1:27 remained in the first quarter).” – Michael Silver, Yahoo Sports

We don’t disagree that the Chargers looked sluggish on offense Sunday night, but that stat about the first completion probably has a lot to do with the fact that two touchdowns came without giving Philip Rivers a chance to complete a pass.
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”If Indianapolis ends up winning this game, this will be one of the most improbable victories I have ever seen.” – Al Michaels

It’s our hope that Al Michaels has some sort of disease that forces him to forget that he called the Miracle on Ice.
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“At some point, you want to take a shot to score a touchdown.  You don’t want to, say, if you just wait, just for the field goal attempt then that just gives you one-way-go.  By going and trying to get the touchdown, then if you don’t make it and settle for a field goal, you have a two-way-go.” – John Madden

Madden quotes never translate well in print form, but just know that listening to the above blabber was equivalent to listening to Madden discuss how to make a grilled cheese sandwich.  You knew what he was trying to say, but listening to him try to say it made your head spin. 
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”Go back to Carolina 2 weeks ago, they blitzed Manning and caused him problems.  Last week, New England did and that is now the formula. San Diego in the first half… blitz, blitz, blitz, rattle rattle rattle… they have unlocked the key to Peyton Manning and I am concerned.” – Jay Mariotti

It’s not even the fact that one can’t physically unlock a key that gets us with Jay’s comment.  It’s the fact that he believes blitzing and pressuring a quarterback is the secret formula to stopping a quarterback.
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Emmitt Smith Not Sure About Something
“The Giants cannot afford to lose this game.  The reason why is, they are trying to become one of the legitimate teams in the league.  They started last season 6-2 and now they’re 6-3.  They lost the bottom half of the season last year because they lost a lot of games.  They don’t want to do, or repeat what they did last year.  And the reason why they don’t want to do that is it would look very bad going down the stretch and they want to be strong. And in order for them to be strong, they must win this game.  They’re 0-1 right now in the bottom half of season and if they lose today they’ll start 0-2 and fall further behind.” – Emmitt Smith

How much wood could an Emmitt Smith chop, if an Emmitt Smith could chop wood? 

SI Sportsperson of the Year
Thanksgiving is always one of our favorite times of the year.  We dig turkey and all that good stuff, but what we really love is the wonderfully ridiculous tradition on SI.com where random writers present cases for candidates for the annual Sportsman of the Year award.  

Last year some of the writers’ nominees included Vince McMahon, Julio Franco, Barbaro’s owners and a random blind man who ran in the New York Marathon.  

This year, they’re bringing the heat again.  Amongst those nominated are:

Tom Glavine…for being nice after getting pounded in the game that completed the Mets’ historic collapse

Evander Holyfield…for being crazy enough to keep fighting even though he’s turning into vegetable

Steve Williams…for being Tiger Woods’ caddy

Matt Ryan…for making people in Boston care about Boston College again

Paula Radcliffe…for running real fast in the New York Marathon (apparently having someone from the NY Marathon is a requirement)

Mike Bacsik…for giving up a historic homerun to Barry Bonds

And while all of those are certainly worthy of the annual title of “most bizarre Sportsperson nominee”, our choice this year was offered up by George Dohrmann who believes the SPORTS person of the year should be the two people currently taking care of Mike Vick’s abandoned pits.  

“There are 31 dogs once owned by Vick currently housed in shelters around Virginia, another three in upstate New York and 14 in Northern California. The people who care for those dogs daily deserve some recognition, and they are my choice for Sportsperson(s) of the Year.”

We emphasize the word “sports”, because these two people have absolutely nothing to do with them.  If this was Pit Bull Illustrated and they were the Caretakers of the Year, we’re on board.  But it’s Sports Illustrated and caring for abandoned dogs isn’t a sport by any definition.  Even the one that recognizes poker.

Stool Samples is written by the founders of the sports humor site, JoeSportsFan.com, Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.  They swear this stuff is real.  Email them at info@joesportsfan.com