Stool Samples

Word is finally getting around that we’ve been overlooked. 

Coming off a Super Bowl championship season, Stool Samples has done everything you people could possibly expect and ask of us.  We’ve made statements.  We’ve flawlessly executed 2-minute paragraphs.  We’ve written the columns that good columnists find ways to write.  

We’ve done all of that and still, the only thing that anyone wants to talk about is that flashy column racking up the historic word counts up in New England.  We’ve written about everything that has stood in front of us and still, no one is talking about the Stool Samples.  We’re being overlooked.  Sure, the only people overlooking us are the people talking about us being overlooked, but you know what? That’s just fine, because we’re perfectly content flying under the radar.     

When it’s all said and done and all the smoke is cleared, the Stool Samples will be right where we should be: at the top of our game.  At the end of the day, the Stool Samples won’t be overlooked, under the radar, or anything along those lines because Stool Samples is focused on nothing but another Super Bowl championship season - all while taking it one column at a time.

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth

"(Travis) Henry has moves on moves in the hole." - John Madden

And those 9 out of wedlock children prove that, no?  (*zing*)

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"Of course women are noticing.  Look at me!" - Sean Salisbury in the newest Nutri System commercial

But do you have moves on moves in the hole, Sean?
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"That's like Johnson and Johnson: Brady and Brady." - Mark Schlereth, on a Tom Brady touchdown pass to Kyle Brady

It took Schlereth roughly 90 minutes of show preparation to create and subsequently drop that line during NFL Primetime highlights.   We're hoping to see the debut commercial of "Schlereth and Schlereth Insurance."
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"Bill Belichick has to go on this middle finger to the entire NFL and just keep running up the score on everybody like they did to Dallas.  If anything, just kick a field goal, but no, they had to score another touchdown to rub it in.  So he had to put Tom Brady back in to rub it in, to insult the Dolphins, what did the Dolphins do to offend the Patriots?" - JA Adande
 
What do you expect JA, the only way to impress the BCS voters is with margin of victory.  
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"(The Eagles) are three and a half games behind Dallas.  They are done." - Jay Mariotti

Marriotti’s analysis of the Eagles this year has been exceptional. 

Following Week 2: "I think this football team is no longer a championship contender.  They're not a .500 type team." 

Following Week 3: Mariotti was so impressed with the Eagles trouncing of the Lions, that he thought they were back in contention, adding: “(Donovan McNabb) has weapons!” 
 
Following Week 7: The Eagles are done. 

Following Week of next Eagles win: Mariotti's head explodes.  

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"Go ahead now, name 5 players on Jacksonville.  Okay, name 2, and no, Maurice Jones-Drew doesn't count as two.  The Jaguars are anonymous." - Tony Kornheiser

Seriously, the Kornheiser act is getting old.  Tony, just because you don’t follow football enough and don’t know any players on the Jaguars doesn’t mean it’s the same for the viewing public.  The same goes for your analysis of the Colorado Rockies on PTI.  And for the love of God, Tony, please quit demanding answers from Jaws about “what quarterback he’d rather have: Brady or Manning”.

Hey readers: what PTI co-host would you rather have, Kornheiser or Wilbon?
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"On his bye Sunday, Favre did not chart any passes. My guess is he spent a long time cutting the grass, edging the front lawn where it meets the state highway in front of his house in Mississippi, then, for fun, watching the History Channel until he fell asleep." - Peter King

At least that’s what it looked like from Peter’s viewpoint from the tree in Favre’s backyard.  Could be wrong though, his binoculars aren’t all that great.

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"I think it's a good omen that in the week before the NFL plays its first regular season game outside of North America, aptly-named Redskins linebacker London Fletcher scored on a 27-yard interception return for a touchdown."- Don Banks

What Banks doesn’t tell you is that Fletcher’s touchdown came courtesy of a Kurt Warner interception which resulted in negative two points for a fantasy team owned by a random guy is Boise, Idaho named Bob England.  Bad omen.  
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Bristol Welcomes Rick Reilly

For those who haven’t yet heard, the biggest name at Sports Illustrated has been snatched up by the Worldwide Leader in Sports.  Back page columnist Rick Reilly is headed to ESPN in June of 2008 to do magazine columns, essays, TV appearances, juggling acts and perform a magic show at the end of E:60 (he also may have an ESPN energy drink available at 7-11s).  

While the swap made some waves in the media world, it means that ESPN will be getting a fresh supply of Reilly’s chief tool…similes.  

No one brings in the rhetorical tropes quite like Reills.  

Take his article on Tim Wakefield in the September 10 edition of SI for example.  The tropes were a flyin’:

“your fastball is slower than gums receding”

“It’s like trying to hit an overcaffeinated moth.”

“Wakefield’s knuckler flits around like a gum wrapper in a hurricane.”

“Doug Mirabelli’s only job is to catch Wakefield, which is like saying his only job is to fill the Grand Canyon with a slotted spoon.”

“(Josh) Bard lets more balls get by him than a blind goalie.”

“His knuckler was hopping around like popcorn in a microwave,”

“ask him about the pitch and it’s like talking to Tolstoy about writer’s block.”

By our count, that’s seven in one 600 (give or take) word column.  Bristol better get ready because the similes will be flying like overcaffienated moths during a hurricane in the Grand Canyon. 

Terry Bradshaw Devaluing Sports Emmys One Column at a Time

It shouldn’t even come to this, but what the hell.  Terry Bradshaw is pumping out a weekly column on Foxsports.com.  Following Week 7, Terry informed us that the sky is blue and that grass grows better during the spring and summer.

“It's just amazing what they are doing. It's something that just builds and in the process the players are feeding off of it. Their confidence feeds off it. Brady and Belichick were already special because of their three Super Bowl rings and this is just adding to it.”

“Brady already has 27 touchdown passes in seven games. I was the first quarterback after the AFL-NFL merger to throw for 28 touchdowns in one season and was league MVP. He's one away from that and he's going into his eighth game. It took me the full 16. He's some special talent.”

”I never expected to see something like the Dolphins fall to this level. Oh, man, alive, those guys look like they turned out the lights and the party is over.”

So Tom Brady is better than you were?  Thanks for the sharp analysis, Terry.  Don’t know what we’d do without you.  

Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.  They swear this stuff is real.  Email them at info@joesportsfan.com